deeply upsetting mother behaviour WWYD?

[littlestmummystop]

My mum has never been what you'd call a maternal mother.
She basically never rings to see if anyone is okay, never offers to help, and immerses herself in her job.

To outsiders she is friendly, outgoing, fun, and caring ( taking loads of time choosing presents etc.) but to her family, grumpy, short tempered, nagging, and disinterested.

We are used to this and try and not expect anything of her.

But this.... has just upset me so much.

My dad died 18 months ago. I was very close to him and miss him terribly. My mum spent the last five years of his life making it a misery, telling him she was going to divorce him, shouting at him, locking him out of house. It almost drove him to a breakdown and I am sure the stress contributed to his cancer.

My dad left behind his cat, a tomcat he doted on and who is v timid but clingy too. He was v upset by his sudden death as well.

Now my mum, who doesn't have anyone else to shout at, is being v cruel to the cat. She puts him out all the time, never strokes him, and I caught her speaking to him in a really appalling nasty way yesterday. Very much like she talked to my dad. I said something and then she turned on me.

I've offered to take the cat, but she has declined. I just can't believe now she has nobody else to take out her temper on she is doing it on the poor cat

I left shortly afterwards. Sometimes I really hate her and her foul, bitchiness. No-one it seems is immune. WWYD?

well, i'd get the cat out of there behind her back, fuck that.

The rest, i really don't know where you could even start. You can't change her.

I'd take the cat and distance myself from mother.

Sorry you're going through this

I too would pinch the 'timid,clingy cat'. Poor wee thing.

She sounds awful to you too, I wouldn't visit if I were you. Pop over to 'toxic parents' for support.

Another vote for taking the cat! and good if you upset her in the process.

Agree with others.

Take the cat.

Join the stately homes thread.

It is horrible not having the nice kind supportive motherly mum that you want but you can learn to deal with it and you can get alot of support and advice on here (there are quite a few of us on here).

thanks for all your replies.

It would be hard to get the cat as she is almost always in.

I'd literally have to cat (?) nap him in front of her. I will think about this one.

She really is an absolute cow.

there is no way she can keep that cat, however you do it.

Take the cat! Take the cat! Take the cat!

You know that is the right thing to do.

And be nice to yourself. You poor thing.

Definitely with the take it crowd. But (this is a very tentative but as I'm prob wrong) did she and your dad just have a tempestuous, but very loving relationship? Is it perhaps that she is intensely angry that he has died, and being the person you describe is her way of hiding that? Shouting at the cat is like her shouting at him, and she's angry he's left her? Long shot I know.

Perhaps tackle it as if this is the case first and try talking to her, then firmly say that you can see that she doesn't like having the cat around, you're very attached to him as he is a reminder of your dad and your DCs (?) would love him. Then just take him!

Volunteer to take him to the vets for a check up/jabs/worming?

There is something very wrong wih people who take out their anger on animals, she sounds like a completely nasty piece of work.
Please save the cat.

I would be firm with her.

Say 'I am taking this cat'. pick the thing up and walk out.

It sounds like your mother is the worst sort of typical bully. I imagine you have spent your life walking on eggshells around her and trying not to wind her up, anything for an easy life.

If you were to stand up to her it may well be that you will take the wind out of her sails (momentarily).

If she does try and physically prevent you taking tha cat say you will report her to RSPCA (I know they will not do anything, however the threat may give her pause).

I think it is important that you get the cat - not just for teh cat itself, but almost as a tribute to your dad.

Tell me about it

My dad also had some tortoises and one of them got ill and died, despite my brother asking her to take it to vet ( he was away at the time and I didn't know about this). She didn't take it to the vet because she was 'busy' and 'thought he'd get over it.'

My dad looked after that pet for about 25 years.

It is totally heartbreaking. The tone of voice she uses on the cat is utterly contemptuous and reminds me of one she used with father and also when we were kids.

MrsC2010- my parents relationship wasn't loving in the least.

Is shouting at the cat the worse thing she does? It doesn't sound that terrible. Some cats don't like being stroked and is putting a cat out so terrible?
The cat may well be attached to her and the house and I'm not convinced by the stuff you've said so far that she's being that awful to it.
If she's physically abusing it and starving it fair enough.
If you can't just remove the cat because "she is almost always in" then that conflicts with your statement of the cat always being put out as surely you don't need to go in her house to get the cat as it will be outside?

2Rebecca- she is always in when I go around.

This cat loves being stroked ( when he trusts people), but as soon as he comes in, she puts him out again.

She snaps at him, saying things like: 'What the hell are you doing in again?' 'Get out of my way' 'Move!'

Nice.

So she is now treating the cat in the same manner as she treated her late husband (it probably reminds her of him in her warped mind).

With regards to your own self I would continue to emotionally distant myself away from this toxic mother of yours. You may want to read "Toxic Parents" written by Susan Forward, it may be a good starting point for you.

Do remove the cat from her household as a matter of course.

My guess too is that your siblings do not get along with her either. I would go as far to say that she failed you abjectly as a mother when you were children and she is still failing you now.

Lurk outside. When she puts him out, steal him. Where are you? Someone will have him!
Then don't subject yourself to her nastiness any more.

Yes, another vote for taking the cat. You don't have to even visit her. Just go around & sitin the car or something until you see the cat, then take it - poor thing.

Re your Mum; she sounds an awful lot like mine. I've drawn some comfort from the thread on 'narcissistic parents' in the relationships topics it might be worth a look? Mine isn't as bad as some of the ones on there, but she's really not that fussed about us (though her friends would be surprised to hear it). Protect yourself & your DC's from hurt - distance yourself as much as possible. And, as you've already said, expect nothing - then you won't be disappointed.

another vote for taking the cat!

Ah, in that case I will go with my gut and say take the poor thing! Cruelty to animals (well, to anything really) breaks my heart, I just don't get it.