please help me cope with jealousy

[mummee09v]

...I dont know where to start I have such a problem with jealousy and i could really do with some advice on how to deal with it please?

I have been with my fiancee 2.5 years, and have always been a jealous person in previous relationships but I seem to be getting worse. I am jealous of everything. his exes in particular. I wonder what they looked like, whether he loved them more than me and I am even jealous of experiences he had with them ie holidays etc.

He has a teenage child from a previous relationship and we have an 8 month old DD. and I am even jealous that his ex wife gave birth to their DD naturally and I had a planned c/section with our DD. I think I am worried that his experience seeing her give birth was somehow "better" than seeing my caesarean.

He asked me to marry him last summer but even that is clouded because we had been together longer when he proposed to me than he was with his ex before he proposed to her, crazy I know.

He is so good looking and I don't feel good enough for him, I just fancy him so much but I feel he is "out of my league" ...even though he has given me no reason to feel like this IYSWIM? he was very popular with girls as a young man (he was a semi pro footballer and also a drummer in a band - he still plays drums but doesn't do the football anymore) and I even get jealous of the thought of him being so popular back then - even though he says he was so shy he never took advantage of it!

I can't tell him how I feel as he would (probably rightly lol) think I am mad I have no reason to think he doesn't love me enough, he is very loving to me, kind, generous, always tells me how much he loves me and says he has never been this happy with anyone before me, we are really in love but for some reason I just keep doubting him all the time.

he is 9 years older than me so has had lots more relationships than I have, before him, I had only had one long term serious relationship other than a few flings (i was with my ex from 18 to 26) and I have never had such strong feelings for anyone as I do my DP. so why can't I stop these jealous feelings??? and how do i stop them??

sorry if this is rambling, i just needed to get everything down.

He's with you concentate on your future together not the passed! You'll end up driving yourself mad

Maybe it's more of a self-confidence thing? It sounds like you don't believe in yourself. Maybe address your self confidence issues & it will be easier to see that he loves you, he wants to be with you & that that past doesn't detract from what you have together? A bit of jealousy is normal for a lot of people, but it sounds like this is making you a bit miserable. Not sure how one 'ups' the self-esteem, Counselling? CBT? If you find out, please let me know!

Hey from one to another, I know what you are going through, I was really bad at one time, it has got better as I have got older. Are you quite young? Generally mine only stems to my DH, i am like a dog with a bone.

I also think it is a sever lack of confidence on your part. I don't think there is some magic cure for it but trying to be rational is usually the best method. Don't dwell on the things that set you off.

I got better when we got married too and I felt more secure.

You need to work hard with this one, and only you can help yourself.

I was exactly like this as well.
I went to the doc's and was referred for CBT, which has really really helped. Was low self esteem btw.

Yes, I second the counselling/CBT routes ... they can help tremendously.

You need to focus on the present and the future, not dwell on the past. Feeling jealous of stuff that has happened in your DP's past is pointless really, it will only have a negative effect on you.

It is good that you are aware fo this, that is the first step to worting it out.

CBT is an option if you think you cannot concour this weakness yourself. One thing you can start doing, as of right now, is not think about these things. And certainly don;t ask your DP about his past. It doesn't matter.

Good luck.

Mummee, I suspect it might have something to do with how you two got together. You have posted before that he left his wife for you - and has no contact with his DD as a result. I've also seen threads you've been on when you've said how much he comments on your appearance and how much he loves being with a younger woman this time etc. That you were frightened after giving birth to let him see you naked, in case he went off you.

I know you've also said that if a man is in a happy marriage, he won't have an affair, but perhaps there is a little voice inside you querying this - and wondering whether he would be unfaithful to you too at some point down the line?

One of the things that might help you is to review how you relate to women - do you see them as competitors or potential friends? Are you judgemental about other women, especially in relation to superficial things such as appearance and style? Is your DP judgemental about women and their appearance?

If you've got a good enough relationship, you should be able to talk to him about your fears - and any nagging doubts you might have about why he chose infidelity as a means of exiting his marriage. In your shoes, I think it would allay my fears if he said that he really regretted dealing with his marriage in this way - and felt sorry that he didn't resolve his dissatisfaction in a more adult way. If however, he still thinks the end justified the means then like you, I'd be feeling very insecure.

Awwww

Remember, his past is exactly that: the PAST. He is with you now so try and stop worrying. Everyone has a past but its obviously you he wants now so why does it matter?

You do sound like you don't have much in the way of self esteem and thats really sad. Think more positive - ie HE is lucky to have YOU and not the other way round!!!!!

How old are you? As he is quite a bit older than you, he probably sees you as really young and gorgeous - think of how you see people that much younger! (I know I do when I am ogling younger men ;) ! lol)

Hope you get through this though.

I'm sure he didn't love watching his ex squeeze a baby out of her fanjo and most probably shit herself - most men don't. I should imagine he doesn't give a bugger about how the baby comes out. He wouldn't be with you if he didn't want to be.

I would recommend that you try really hard to stay in the present and that when those jealous thoughts pop into your head that you shut them down really fast and have a positive affirmation to say to yourself till you feel better. Something like: I am loved, I am a good mother etc.

I loved the book Buddhism for mothers - though I am of no particular religion at all. I read it when my dc3 was very young and it helped me stay calm and happy through the tough times. Good Luck, Sim

Hi all

thanks for the messages

I am 30, for those that have asked about my age. and he is 39. I worry it will get worse as I get older as well because as I get less attractive I will probably get even more insecure.

I have thought about counselling, but I know the waiting lists through the NHS are really long, I actually requested counselling for PND back in about November but as yet still have not got an appointment. I would consider going private, I would try anything, because I know how I feel is not normal, I just want to be happy. I have two lovely kids, a good relationship (apart from this jealousy issue), hoping to get married this year, and I have recently started working again and am really enjoying my job. so I want to start enjoying these things not have them clouded by these overpowering feelings all the time.

Its really fucked up I know but if there was any way I could see pictures of his exes and they were not as attractive as me I think I would feel better! but he has no pictures of any of them apart a fairly recent one of his most recent ex and when I saw it, I thought she looked pretty rough, which momentarily made me feel better (which made me feel bad) but then I started thinking, well she is 10 years older than me, perhaps she USED to be better looking than me. and their daughter is BEAUTIFUL which makes me think that she must have been too. CRAZY I know

I am even jealous just for the fact he has a child with someone else, and, this is the thing I am most ashamed of ...I have even compared pics of our DD and their DD to see if ours is prettier

please try not to judge me for what I have said, its hard for me to admitball this and I am ashamed of it all. Please believe I am not a horrible person.

Chase up the counselling with your GP.

I went to see a councillor (sp) privately, but basically she said she couldn't help me and that I needed CBT, honestly I can't recommend it highly enough, it took a while and at first I thought it was a load of bollocks, but I stuck with it and hey presto I actually feel 'normal' now.

I understand exactly all the crazy things you are doing, I done similarly crazy things, it drives you up the wall if you let it. Please chase up the gp. I waited months as well, but tis worth it.

mummee - agree that you need to find a good therapist to help you to uncover your feelings and their origins. All of our worries/anxieties etc in adult like are some sort of re-enactment of our childhood and a good therapist can help you to unravel this and understand it and eventually learn to deal with the feelings that overwhelm us.

I know many people speak well of CBT and it does seem to be very helpful for some people.However as far as I understand it, it is rather superficial and just deals with what is going on in the "here and now" though I wouldn't knock it because anything that works is worth it. I really think you should be prepared to pay for therapy because if you find a good one it will be worth it. What you are feeling is quite normal but like any feeling that becomes overwhelming and affects your life and stability, it needs to be attended to. It will be money well spent with the right therapist. Google and you will find therapsist in your area and a note of their specialisms.

It is important that you feel comfortable and safe with whoever you see and if this isn't the case, then you must say so and find another one. A good therapist will expect this anyway and will want to use the first session to explore whether you can work together. Therapy isn't a quick fix and it can be painful and tiring but if it helps you to get these jealous feelings into persective it will be worth it.

Good luck

I think it could well stem from my childhood, I never felt "good enough", I was average looking pretty geeky and was bullied throughout school, and was never fancied by boys. However, when I left school I suddenly started getting male attention, I kind of grew in to my looks I guess. but now have spent the last 10 - 12 years enjoying finally being seen as attractive but now I have hit 30 I know that that too will soon fade. I feel I have been trading on my looks a bit if I am honest but not sure if I have anything else to offer.

I am thinking of looking for a private therapist - I don't mind spending the money if it helps stop me feeling like I do.

I seriously cannot cope with it any more sorry for rambling.

ps-I am watching that birth programme on C4 at the moment and am nearly in tears seeing all the ladies giving birth I definitely have a bit of an "issue" surrounding that as well.

I third what some of the other posters have said re CBT. I don't know much about how you would go about finding a therapist, you could start with good old google. x