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should I see a therapist?

7 replies

crybaby · 17/06/2003 10:49

I've changed my name for the obvious reason...

dh and I seem to be going through a rather long rough patch. When we married, we lived in the town where he lived and worked and I commuted a long way to my job. I then got another job, and we moved leaving his 10 year old ds with dh's ex-dw (ds was already living with her at that point, so not too huge a wrench, or so I thought).Up till then everything seemed fine. We had a new start, new (nice) house, more money (even though dh didn't have a job for the first year)I thought we were very happy.

Very gradually I've noticed dh changing. He's getting more and more bad-tempered, usually about the tiniest things, like dropping a glass, forgetting to buy bread when out shopping,missing a turn when driving, you name it, he gets angry and starts ranting, swearing and stomping about. This invariably ends in something else happening because he's in a state.I can't cope with this behaviour and, I'm ashamed to say it usually results in me shouting at him to stop, then bursting into tears. I don't know why I react like this, but I do. He tells me to ignore him and let him work it out of his system, but I can't.

I think that there could be any number of reasons why he gets so angry/ frustrated, but it seems to me that this started when we moved away from his job, his son and his friends. To top it all we now have a dd (18 mos) and so we are both fairly tired at the end of the day.I work longer hours, so he does the bulk of the housework/childcare (we do have a cleaner though). So, basically, it's all my fault. He doesn't say that, but I feel it.

I don't want dd to grow up with a cross Dad and miserable Mum, and so far we've managed to keep all this out of her earshot, but I'd be mortified if she turns up at Nursery one day and yells "F* it" or "Jesus H. Christ" at the top of her voice.

Do you think I should encourage him to go back to his old job and friends, maybe come back at weekends? I think I could manage dd on my own, and things would be so much nicer for her at weekends if we're both cheerful.

Sorry this is a bit rambling. Does anyone have any suggestions- counselling is the obvious one, but anything more practical?

OP posts:

crybaby · 17/06/2003 10:50

actually that was a draft title, and doesn't really fit...I thought maybe I should see a therapist to address how I respond to his tantrums.

OP posts:

motherinferior · 17/06/2003 10:59

The only thing I'd say is it seems to be a joint problem (or his) so I don't think you should necessarily see someone on your own, unless there are fundamental things about your happiness within the relationship you want to discuss.

Oh, and I'm quite sure I'd react like that too to someone stomping and shouting.


SoupDragon · 17/06/2003 11:06

Can you get a baby sitter and go out for a drink together to talk about what's making him so angry and how you can solve it together?
Would a compromise be to move back halfway between your new job and his old one? (obviously I have no idea of the distances involved here!)


Eeek · 17/06/2003 12:41

If you can't solve it together you could consider Relate - they're great for helping sort out exactly this kind of problem. You could go on your own but I agree with motherinferior - its both of your problem and it would be better if you saw someone together.

It's easy to say 'don't let it upset you' but once it does you're stuck. And the longer it goes on the more it upsets you. I walk away to another room & do something fun involving loud music while he stomps. When he stops I ask him what it was all about and we sort it out. IME it's never the big things that set it off but stuff like having to empty the bin, seeing one too many magazines etc etc.


mmm · 17/06/2003 19:47

I think the idea of going out by yourselves and talking about it is a good idea or a list of questions like you've posed here to ask him. I made a quiz once for my p like in a women's magazine and got him to do it with me. It was sort of jokey with serious undercurrents.No wonder you're tired if you're both working hard and looking after little dd. It feels horrible when the couple is miserable and bad tempered . Do you think he's feeling overwhelmed by the move that the novelty has worn off and he misses his son and pals more than he thought?


marypoppins · 17/06/2003 20:12

I'm sorry to hear your dh is moody and 'growly'. I agree you should find a quiet moment to speak to him, alone first and then perhaps discuss seeing a therapist. He'll probably be glad you're taking notice of how he feels and are prepared to make sacrifices in your own situation to cheer him up. Modern life can be so stressful can't it? Best of luck.


emwi · 17/06/2003 21:18

Could he be depressed? I looks like a big change in his life and inablility to concentrate and feeling angry could be two of the symptoms. It might help you to discuss it with a doctor or counsellor to try to find ways to approach him about this.

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