Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

Original poster

mean Ex using finance to control things

15 replies

900cherry · 07/02/2010 22:03

My ex partner split last year. We had been dating for about a year when I got pregnant. It wasn't a very stable relationship and we split up during that first year. The pregnancy was not planned though I really thought (stupidly) we were meant to be together. When I was 6 months pg he asked me to move in with him, which I did.

It wasn't long before he said he felt that I had trapped him. Again, stupidly, I thought it was something we could get over. It never got better. He withdrew, ignored me and basically was waiting for me to leave.

Despite this, through our dd we have made wonderful friends in the area. Our dd, who is now 3 goes to a wonderful nursery where she is very happy and we created a great network,

But by the time our dd was 2.5, I could bear our life any longer and I told him I was leaving.

He earns a lot more money than I do and has a home in a v nice part of London, an area I couldn't afford to buy or really even rent, so I've had to rent outside of London.

I still commute to central london and juggle getting dd to nursery which is practically next door to my ex. The result is that life is very complicated. , but in a way I'm keeping a link to a place where we have so many friends and still do.

While he'd like to have dd near and see him all the time, he is reluctant to support us so that we can afford to live nearby (btw, he earns about 100k a year). When I have suggested he could help me buy a home in the area, he sees it as him funding a lifestyle I would not otherwise be able to afford.

I am devasted I cannot afford to keep our dd in an area which is home to her.

When I've said that the complicated lifestyle is very bad for our dd (contantly moving between our homes), I've raised the option of taking dd out of nursery to one near my new home. He gets v upset that it is like letting her go as he would never see her. As a compromise, I got her a place at my work nursery but he complained that she shouldn't be commuting.

Is he being unreasonable? Am I being unreasonable? He thinks I just want him to set me up in a nice area. But I work, I have my own money, I can support myself, I just don't have LOADS of money and have never had a major handout.

The other argument is that I don't seek a penny and stay living outside of London. But that means my daughter doesn't get to see her father and I spend my life commuting and I would see less of her too.
He says I shouldn't stress and that he will always look after our dd. I'm not sure what he envisages that as. Everytime I raise money (like, paying £100 for swimming lessons, costly extra days at nursery when I need to work) he won't talk about it.

Be brutal as you like with your comments and thoughts. I literally don;t know what to do.
By finacnially standing on my own two feet, I'm making a life for my dd that takes her away from her father, her friends as well as seeing less of me.
How can I get my ex to help without seeing as it as funding a lifestyle? (we are not talking Knightbridge here, just a nice part of West London).

OP posts:

Hassled · 07/02/2010 22:08

Do you mean he's not paying you any maintenance whatsoever? And you're the primary carer - i.e. she spends more nights with you than she does with him? If that's the case, you need to see a solicitor.

Original poster

900cherry · 07/02/2010 22:14

He pays towards her nursery fees (though not all. and gives me £300 a month. This is a private arrangement not a CSA assessed one.

OP posts:

Hassled · 07/02/2010 22:20

I don't know what the calculations are to assess formal maintenance amounts - it's a % of net income, but £300 doesn't sound like much from £100K.

Maybe post in lone parents for more advice?

pithyslicker · 07/02/2010 22:22

Are you married?

Original poster

900cherry · 07/02/2010 22:25

Thanks, wasn't sure who to ask. I wondered if nursery fees were considered 'maintenance'?

OP posts:

Original poster

900cherry · 07/02/2010 22:26

No not married

OP posts:

Tortington · 07/02/2010 22:29

i would get legal documents - when he should have his daughter - ie visitation and how much he should pay.

i wouldn't talk to him about anything else - i would rather eat my own flange than ever ask an ex to buy me a house- thats ridiculous seriously.

but you have choices and decisions to make regarding your lifestyle and that of your daughters. bursery will not be forever - you should be thinking school.

and get this man in a situation that is as black and white as it should be.

pithyslicker · 07/02/2010 22:31

On a £100,000 I reckon he'd have to pay £750 a month CSA which is 15% of his net salary. And this is all he would have to pay.

Have a look on here secureonline.dwp.gov.uk/csa/v2/en/calculate-maintenance.asp

Original poster

900cherry · 07/02/2010 22:33

Custardo, that is straight talking and much appreciated.

OP posts:

Original poster

900cherry · 07/02/2010 22:37

Thanks Pithyslicker, I've had a look at that before. He pays around £550 a month including nursery fees. I wasn't sure if contribution to nursery fees counted as maintenance..

OP posts:

Snorbs · 07/02/2010 23:04

Nursery fees can count as maintenance but as it's currently a private arrangement it's moot anyway. If you went to the CSA then they'd get salary details from him and work out a figure based on that. You then choose how he is to pay that to you - whether directly into your bank account, or partly into your bank account and partly to the nursery, or into your bank account via the CSA.

If he's a standard PAYE employee of a company then that should be fairly straightforward. If he's self-employed, or a director who gets dividends rather than salary, or anything complicated, then the CSA is of less use. If he regularly changes employer then, again, the CSA is not ideal as they can't keep up. My ex drifts from job to benefits several times a year and the CSA is about six months behind

pithyslicker · 07/02/2010 23:05

As you are not married I would have said that is all that he is legally entitled to pay, morally of course is another issue.

What about taking legal advice?
Solicitors normally give a free 1/2 hour consultation.

GypsyMoth · 07/02/2010 23:11

He could file a prohibited steps order to keep dd at that nursery. Please bear that in mind.

gaelicsheep · 07/02/2010 23:19

My DH had to pay £300 a month at one time and he was earning less than a fifth the amount your ex earns. It sounds to me like he wants to have his cake and eat it. If he won't pay you more, that's fine (well it isn't really) but he has to accept the resultant limitations to his contact with his dd. Although tbh I don't see his problem - it's not like you're living hundreds of miles away is it?

Original poster

900cherry · 07/02/2010 23:25

Thanks all for your advice. While I think he should be paying more, for now I've not pressed anything as I wasn't sure of legal position plus didn't want to go down a solicitor route if I could help it. Its important to know rights though - will look into prohibited steps order.
Thanksfully he's not an utter b***, he's just rather tight and unrealistic about maintenance,

OP posts:

Flip