I have been on MN for a fair while but have namechanged for this.
Haven't had a good day today. I found out by checking my DH's emails (he knows I know his password) that he has subscribed to an adult contacts website and has been using it regularly to have virtual sex/dirty chat etc. with other women.
He says:
- He felt neglected
- He was bored and it was just a bit of fun
- He has categorically never met any of the women in RL
- He is sorry and feels terrible about it.
But I feel incredibly hurt and betrayed about this for several reasons.
OK, the history behind it... this is the third time I have caught him looking at adult websites. The first when I was 6 months PG and he told me he had a "past life" I never knew about when he was much younger. Dabbling in making money from sex phone lines etc. He told me he didn't want children and that he felt unfit to be a father with a past like that. When DS was born he did love him instantly - it was me that struggled - I felt like I wasn't coping and cried secretly every day until DS was a few months old with what is now known to be undiagnosed PND. I am convinced that the last 3 months of my pregnancy being so worried and upset about DH contributed to this and my DH "spoiled" what was to be a joyful thing for us.
The second was about 8 months ago when he was again looking at escort websites and he came up with some story about getting money to introduce people to an agency which could help us get out of debt. I nearly cracked up at this point and had to get ADs & counselling. I passed this off as PND but the discoveries about my DH and the things he said played a much larger part in my illness than anyone could know TBH. I couldn't bring myself to talk to my counsellor about this so feel like I haven't worked it through properly!
The ADs made me feel really fuzzy-headed and useless, and I started to play online computer games eg Farmville to distract myself and take my mind off real life etc. But - I felt i was recovering well, coping much better at work, having had some time off sick, and our sex life had got back on track after suffering when I was PG and ill, and also because I have low self-esteem and after DS was born I feel so much more self-conscious about my body. I used to have a good figure and I used to feel it was the only thing going for me but now DS is 2 and I still look about 5 months pregnant! I think this is one of the reasons why I find his betrayal particularly hurtful because it makes me feel so utterly undesirable.
I came off the ADs probably before I should, because I wanted to have another baby, so this is another part of the hurt I feel, as if DH is proving over and over again that he is not a fit man to be having kids with. I just wanted a second chance to do it properly without it being all "spoiled". But now I feel we shouldn't and I am mourning that lost opportunity as well.
My husband is a reluctant but good dad to our lovely DS; I know that he loves him dearly but but I often wish he would be more involved without being TOLD eg tucking him in at night and bathtime. He has a demanding job in the public sector (one which I think needs a certain degree of moral integrity). I work PT and we have a lot of debt abd feel I have less standing in our household because of this. We have spent 2 years+ exhausted because DS is not a good sleeper which I am sure has also played a part in my depression.
I am a modern woman and have always thought if anything I am actually less prudish than DH. If he had been looking at random straight porn then I do not think I would have been half as bothered. This just feels almost as bad as if he had been having a real affair .
I cannot tell if I am over-reacting or not. I want to know if IABU but I don't want to post on AIBU because I hate that thread. I dn't want people to get their judgey pants on about my DH. I know he has been a twat about this and so does he. I just want to know if anyone else out there has experienced anything similar or if I am going over the top in feeling quite as betrayed and hurt about this because I seem to have lost all sense of judgement about it. I see other people going about their daily lives and feel jealous that the majority of then have not had this shit to put up with from their men. Surely if your OH felt neglected they could have either a) just spent more time down the pub or b) actually told their wife how they feel?
And also if there is anyone out there having been through similar, how did they get through it and move on?
Sorry this is a bit long and rambling BTW.