No sex- would you stay??

[riojaguzzler]

Ok, maybe I'm exagerating- we have sex probably 6 times a year (mainly on hol). Recently we start, but then he can't keep it up . I try to initiate sex, but he says he's tired, busy with work, not in the mood, etc, etc. I'm not at the point where not only do I feel a tad frustrated, but also rejected and am missing that close bond that we used to have . In every other way he is a loving partner...

I've posted on here before about how stressed he is with work- L-O-N-G hours and high pressure, which has also had an impact on our relationship and family life. Just before Christmas he realised the effect his lack of work/life balance was having and has made an effort to correct this- coming home earlier, not working at weekends and trying to do a couple of bath and bed times each week. So far he's been successful! He says he'll sort the sex issue out, but refuses to talk about it... but we need to!! I don't want to ask as it just ends up with me getting upset and him closing up.

I think it's all down to work stress- but what if it doesn't get better?? I want a DC2, but that's out of the question at the moment!! Should I stay and hope things improve? I feel like I'm the only person in the universe to be living like this- what should I do???

Yes.

It's not the be all and end all and certainly not the only reason to bin a relationship.

You are both just having a dry spell for obvious reasons.

Leave it alone, don't push it, maybe he wants TLC and support from you not just sex iyswim.

And you are not the only person, we are having a very dry spell at the moment for many reasons, but I still love him and want him which is more important to me to have that feeling still than the actual physicla act.

I don't mean to sound horrible here but maybe he can't keep it up because he's feeling under pressure That's what Deirdre always says anyway.
I think you two should work at it and talk about how you both feel, suggest a night in for both of you with DC and have dinner a bath to relax or something like that.

Thanks... I've just reread it what I wrote and am not pushing him for it! I'm really not sex mad!! It's for several reasons, the mood swings, work issue, being left to cope with 3 yr old on my own that has lead me to reconsider my our relationship...

I do still love him and I know the feeling is mutual, he's also a loving (if somewhat absent!) father...

I totally agree with you Steph- we need sometime like that and I've tried pretty much everything I can think of, but he just refuses blankly to talk about it...

Write him a letter: tell him how you feel (gently!). Maybe point out that the biggest problem is that he won't talk to about the no sex, rather than the no sex itself. He's probably too embarrassed to have the conversation so a letter might be a starting point for both of you.

You could maybe get someone to take DC and check into a hotel for a night and just get to know each other again and make a regular date night.
Worked wonders for my DP and I.
Men sometimes don't know how to talk, must be something they are not taught by parents.

I think the "not talking about it" is more of a problem than the lack of sex, though. It is really difficult to retain intimacy in a marriage if big issues, that are causing one partner pain, are barred from discussion - and there is infrequent sex too.

I think the "too tired and too stressed" excuses are just that - excuses. If downshifting a bit at work still didn't solve the problem, it sounds as though there might be different reasons at play here.

Don't let it become a habit, Rioja. I think it needs addressing, because once sex and intimacy have gone from a marriage, one or both of you are very vulnerable to an affair.

I totally agree with you When. Although I can see the impact that his job is having on him- mood change, health, etc I also feel that it is just an excuse! I just don't understand where it all stems from. He says that he is happy with me and is still in love... I believe him and the feeling is mutual. I also know that he's not having an affair- he's too lazy in that department!! Although he travels to the US now and again with work, but nothing regular.

I think we need some sort of counselling, but getting him to agree will be an issue as he is a very private person...