how to help miserable DH?

[boundaryRider]

DH is going through the wrenching process of realising his chosen career in academia is not for him. He is swamped by too much work, feel it's all pointless, that he no longer wants to be ther but can't leave because he's committed to various projects... many of us know the scenario.

What can i do to make this transition easier for him? He is currently sat upstairs in the study crying silently as he works on yet another paper deadline where he's being made to do stuff that he thinks is pointless...

I'm giving his as many hugs as possible, making nice food etc, but i know that it isn't really touching the great grey vacuum that he feels.

He desperately needs a holiday - but neither of us has time or money. Or inclination - it would just feel like displacement activity.

Ideas?

Chat with his line manger for a start.
Is he a coper?
If so, then remember copers get more and more piled onto them until they crack.

yep. he's a coper. His bosses are very human and run a good lab, but they are to some degree doing their best by him by trying to get him involved in lots of projects.

They already think I'm a bit nuts... so I suppose I've not much to lose by talking to them...

the diffiulty is that he doesn't want to talk to them because you can really only leave this career path, you can never come back, specially not to somewhere like where he currently is.

He thinks that if he talks about jobs in industry too soon then he will burn his bridges.

I think his sanity and happiness are worth more than his prestigious job where he gets paid half your average uni graduate salary and exists in a panic of "have I published enough to get another grant" from one 2 year contract to the next...

But I understand his point of view. We have both worked towards these kinds of job all our lives and I crashed and burned last year - so I can see how much of a wrench it is for him.

A blow job normally cheers people up.

Very true!
Joking aside, I don't think you shoudl talk to them.
He needs to.
You could maybe help him draft a letter explaining his feelings and situation before a meeting. Useful particulalry if under a lot of strain and not likely to stay 100% composed in a meeting.

Poor sod. Sounds rough.

Is he tenured? likely to be tenured soon? [not that the pressure really gets better, but he...].
It's a hard thing to let go of this kind of career path - I did give myself time deadline, by which, if X, Y or Z was not achieved, I would start looking at non-academic jobs. Just to avoid the post-doc lull which is a killer. It worked out. Meanwhile, my DH switched to industry, where he is happy and still collaborating with academia/doing research. The grass is not necessary greener there but many more options and job security!
If one thing - do not approach is line managers yourself - unless he asks you / agrees - won t do his confidence any good!
Can you help him out on his papers / grant applications by doing some editing / proofing etc?
Otherwise, is he taking part to things like GRADschool as a tutor? very rewarding and gives you a different perspective on things (and good for CV when you want to change!)
best of luck - academia is rotten for the family life!

Mimile - i dont quite understand the GRADschool tutoring thing?

He is second supervisor to a couple of PhD students, and does lots of supervising (tutoring) of undergrads.

To be honest I can't help him much with the work... I don't know enough maths and computer languages to be able to proofread anything...

You're right - the postdoc lull is a total killer. Tenure for him is unlikely as he is not quite up there in getting jobs at the big famous unis, and his subject is too obscure for most provincial unis. Also he desperately wants to teach rather than doing research - but the stuff he teaches is (catch-22) only taught in the big famous research universities, where the people who get tenure are the highly focussed researchers (who are usually crap teachers).

i've written an email to his bosses, but not sent it.

Don't send it or interfere.

definitely won't send it. But might refine it over time and eventually give it to DH to send to them himself...

in the meantime ... ideas for making a fairly restrained physicist happy? he doesn't really do sex drugs or rock n roll.

If anything, don't send the email! but maybe have a discussion with him about his career objectives and what he can do to realise them?
The GRADschool thingy (as a tutor) is just yet another thing post-docs do to accumulate "skills" on their CV; good to show leadership skills.
I work at one of the Russell uni and while some of the teaching is done by lecturers / researchers / professors, a large portion of the teaching is actually covered by university teachers. Could he apply for one of these positions?
Has he got his PDR coming up soon? - it is always worth mentioning that he feels more inclined toward teaching - his boss may pick up on it and push him in this direction rather than the hard research?

do you have kids?
if not, make a baby - this will definitely shatter the post-doc lull

Otherwise, a little mini-break in a spa hotel? Sounds very un-manly, my DH didn't like the idea... until we got there. Good food, nice hotel room, nice massage, nice jacuzzi.