how to get over the fear

[scared2try]

ok, a regular but a namechanger. Here's hoping I can actually manage to use the correct name on this thread and not out myself

Ok. I am in my late 30s, with two gorgeous daughters, one a toddler and the other early teens. I am single, but I don't want to be.

The trouble is, and forgive me for being so blunt, it's the only way I know how to actually put it down, after being sexually abused as a child, and then raped by DD1's father five years after we split (resulting in DD2) I have so many fears of any kind of relationship.

I am very isolated, so wouldn't actually meet anyone on the offchance IYSWIM, so I think it would mean joining a dating club or something But, that is scaring me so much as I can't bear any kind of physical touch (male or female - I am not gay, just meaning female friends etc to get my point across) and yet I long for someone to just give me a cuddle and tell me things are going to be ok. In the past though I have completely freaked out, had flashbacks etc and simply walked away. Trust is a huge issue.

I have had CBT and many years of counselling, yet nothing really seems to help. I really don't want to be single for the rest of my life, yet I have no idea on how to not simply lose it when trying to be close to someone, both physically and emotionally.

I am so sorry for the long post, my girls are in bed and I guess I am wallowing a little

I shouldn't have thought CBT would help a whole lot with that, sweetheart - you've had horrid experiences and of course you're very scared, very deep down. Living an isolated life could be making things worse; even the most ordinary person tends to overreact to everyday contact after being on their own for a long time!

I think you're kind of rushing it with the dating ideas. It would be more helpful, right now, to join in with things - anything that looks a bit like a social life. If you're in the country, is there a gardening club? Bell-ringing at the village church?? Hang out in the library; join stuff from there? In cities, there are lots of low-stress groups to join in with. I did riverbank clean-ups in Wandsworth

You say you've had lots of counselling but still seem very sure of where you're at. From your post, it looks as though you could do with some fairly in-depth psychotherapy. If you need funding, try SHOVING your GP to refer you to the local CMHU (community mental health unit) - and don't tell them you're OK!!

You shouldn't have to continually live with the fear of what bad people did to you, you do deserve car, companionship and assistance. Hope some of this helps.

you deserve car = care!

very sure = un*sure. Doh!

thanks grace. I do go to my church when I can, but most of us there are female

I guess you are probably right, I should be looking at coping with having friends first without feeling like I am being a nuicance with them. I live in quite a small town though, so not too sure of what opportunties there may be to meet people (I know there will be some, I just mean how to approach them IYSWIM)

I am actually under the care of my local CMT team, but I have never actually managed to talk about what has happened in my life. I just wouldn't know where to start, and fear that if I try, I will simply break down and be unable to care for my daughters.

thanks for replying, I actually don't think I am making much sense at the moment

not sure I can add to grace's wisdom but am bumping this.

scared, don't let the fear take over...I mean the fear of talking about what happened to you.

The truth will set you free.

Lots of love and a few hugs too.

thanks mumonthenet, its just when i try to talk about it, i completely break down, which takes a long time to recover from. I don't feel able to take the risk I think, as I need to be able to care for my children.

I have been thinking about this a lot lately, and I don't know if I will ever get to a point where I can let someone even hold my hand, let along anything else What kind of man is going to put up with me like that?

(and thanks for the bump)

I understand what you're saying though I have no experience.

Grace is right -

Do not worry about a relationship at the mo.

No relationship can be a substitute for your own self-esteem anyway.

Think of this thread you started as the first step in your recovery.

Talk about what happened to you on here, if you want to.

Did you ever have any counselling for the sexual abuse as a child?

Just wanted to see how you are?

May I make a suggestion, re the CMT? You didn't say which services you're getting from them - but, whomever you see regularly, could you just tell them there's stuff you're scared of talking about? Alternatively, tell your GP if you feel safer there. Therapists are very used to clients holding in their fears - it takes a massive toll on a person's psyche, and that's why we have therapists. They'd never push you to say more than you're able; sometimes "I'm afraid to tell" is the most one can say.

Some people find writing it all down, or painting it, easier and more helpful. I couldn't have done those things before I started therapy, as I'd 'hidden' my thoughts from myself, but others work better the other way around. Then, taking the work to the therapist can start the conversation that was needed.

I'm only mentioning my ideas to you in case you find them helpful. There's no way I would say you "should" do one thing or another - or anything! Do take good care of yourself.

thanks grace, I am doing ok I guess. My care manager knows my history, and that I really struggle to talk about it - I cant even say certain words, or write them down - simple words but they have so many negative connotations for me.

I think over the years I have just built up so many walls around all this that I cant seem to get past them. For example, when I was pregnant with my second child, I was so scared that it was going to be a boy - I could barely put nappy cream etc on a girl, let alone a boy. Everything seems so sexual, breast feeding was completely out

I really have no idea on what to do, its like I know I need to get it all out of my head before I can move on, but the thought of getting it out there is too scary to contemplate.

Sorry for offloading, and thanks for your kind words

Oh, poor you

If everything seems sexualised - and you're terrified of sexuality - life must be so hard for you in so many ways! The trouble with this sort of thing is that it spirals - as you must know only too well. The fear makes the thing seem 'bigger', so then it seems to be everywhere you look, so the fear gets worse ... How unpleasant for you.

What you need to do is to stop allowing those memories to frighten you; I wonder if you've been trying to do too much of that at once? When Franklin D Roosevelt (?) said "we have nothing to fear but fear itself", he was talking about the way we become frightened of feeling afraid. Fear is a natural and useful response to danger, but sometimes we become anxious to avoid feeling it. When that happens, it's as if we've trained ourselves to see fear as a danger. Result: double-layered fear; one more reason to feel frightened! Catch 22.

Perhaps, instead of stressing over your responses to the experiences at the root of your 'fear cycle', you might do better to start by gently challenging your fear of feeling frightened ... take a small chance each day, just to test out what happens when you make a slightly scary choice?

I don't know you well enough to suggest how it might work for you - does anything come to mind? Not a great big scary thing, just a small opportunity to show yourself you can get past one level of fear, and come out smiling?