controlling husband

[conway]

My husband wants to be in charge of everything. He was away for a week on a business trip(bliss) but when back complaines that I bought the wrong bacon and saussages. I also had to buy a kettle( with my money) as the other broke when he was away, but he didn't like the kettle.
Everything I do is wrong and it is really wearing me down. He wants everything to be perfect and I can't seem to live up to his high expectations. He is like this even if he hasn't been away. The good news as he is back now I am going to escape to the gym now .

conway

I seem to recall you've written about your H before. He has always been this way and will not change his tune of always being in the right.

He did not like the kettle (you bought this with your own money so he is also controlling the purse strings; in your case this is financial abuse), the sausages or the bacon?. If a friend was telling you this what would you say in reply?.

All he has done is drag you (and by turn your children) down to a point where your confidence level is almost zilch. You're all walking on eggshells around the tyrant in your home which is certainly not a sanctuary.

If you have DC they will also be affected by all this going on around them. It will emotionally harm them, you are both imparting them damaging lessons.

You cannot go on like this and keep running away (today he's there so you are going to the gym) but your children are still at home with him. This situation apart from being abusive is untenable (controlling behaviours are abusive behaviours). You have already threatened him with divorce in the past, what keeps you there now with him?.

It is easy to write "leave" but it is very hard to do and in your case you are really stuck. You need real life support and I would also suggest you talk to someone like Womens Aid who would not judge but help you.

I would suggest you also read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Weirdo and I've also been there and done that. Agree with ATM (as per usual).

Have you read some of the emotional abuse threads on here in the last year? It's you, not him and I'm afraid it won't change until you make it change.

IME problems on the surface are usually down to much deeper emotions. Thus, when a spouse is unhappy in a relationship they often experience feelings of dissatisfaction and coping mechanisms may include criticism of a spouse in hopes of provoking them to change.

Relate may offer you some solutions in the first instance by exploring the feelings of both parties and improving communication. If your husband won't go it could be useful in helping you understand your husband and you may discover some strategies to assert yourself and cope better.

Many people think Relate just work at keeping relationships together but counselling may help you and/or your husband in deciding to separate and provide support to do so in a civilised way that does the least damage to long term family relations and the wallet.

Relate do not get involved in controlling and abusive relationships because it's not two equals trying to reach mutual agreement. Do not agree to couples counselling. Certainly consider counselling or something similar for yourself, but don't necessarily tell him as he may just turn that around on you.

I'm also unclear why STIDW would suggest you learn strategies to cope with his behaviour. He is responsible for his behaviour and it is unreasonable by any measure. Although not unheard of in controlling relationships, I was forever cooking pork wrong and there were many things I couldn't do, like go to bed when I wanted. Don't find ways around it, there will just be other things you do wrong.

Hi, Conway I know how weird it feels when you're being told everything you do is wrong; it makes you wonder whether you're even "wrong" to feel the way your partner treats you is wrong!

The short answer is no. Your instincts are still working very well, thank goodness. He's out of order. He's a bully. You will never be able to meet his absurd requirements, because he will keep on moving the goalposts. You will never be able to get him to see what he's doing to you - because he already knows. Awful, isn't it.

It's very natural that you would want an outside view on this, as your confidence has been shredded and it's very hard to face up to the idea that your marriage is a nightmare - I'm sure there are good times you can point to, making it all seem "not so bad". But - as you may have suspected - even the good times are planned, to keep you off balance and more malleable.

To get your outside viewpoint, I suggest you start with Lundy Bancroft's book ... and make an appointment with Relate for yourself. Best if you go alone. Best if you don't tell him.

I really wish you the best. Life does get better; you do deserve it.

2008 is the first post i can find about him.

it seems that you always bow to what he wants, regardless of what you feel about it.

you can't let him keep grinding you down like this. no wonder you can't sleep

can I also suggest Patricia Evans' book - the Verbally Abusive Relationship and How to Recognise It.

Lundy Bancroft's book is slightly more aimed at victims of physical abuse where as Patricia Evans' book purely concentrates on the verbal stuff. (No she's not a relation, and no I'm not on commission )

But really Conway, please read one or both of these books.

conway, I know nothing of your circumstances but you may want to consider this article which is a summary of the psychology of divorce.

If you are in abusive relationship you might find this also useful, in particular the bit about turning the corner and putting the perpetrator behind you. Not easy I know but posting here, or anywhere else for that matter, won't change anything.

thanks for all your help. I will defintely get one of those books. I don't feel ready to leave yet as have 2 young kids. Don't have a bad life. Good friends and family near by .

It is your decision of course, but if you are not happy and don't try to sort something out it will ultimately effect the children. Children learn by example how to relate to others in adulthood, particularly members of the opposite sex. That's why I suggested Relate and strategies such as assertiveness. Our children are now young adults and they say it was a relief when separated.

Hi conway,

You say you, "don't have a bad life" but I think you are trying to put a gloss on the situation by writing such a statement. I personally think that comment is so fatuous it breaks my heart.

If this is your idea of not having a bad life I wonder what your actual idea of a good life would be.

I think denial is a powerful force within you as well, you probably can't believe that this is happening to you. But it is.

You are married to a man who amongst other things tightly controls your purse strings. That in your situation could be seen as financial abuse. He also criticises your choice of kettle, bacon and sausages. You feel that everything you do is wrong.

You thought it was bliss when he was away.

You went to the gym this morning to get away from him.

This is not a good life at all is it?. It is not a good life for your children to be witness to either, they are learning from both of you about relationships and they are learning damaging lessons; lessons that they could well use in adulthood in their own relationships.

Please do not leave your children that particular legacy, a legacy of a controlling father and a subserviant put down mother who never had enough guts to leave is a hard one to get over if it is ever possible.

You only get one shot at this life and it is far better to be apart and happier rather than to be together and miserable as you are now.

I used to have one of these. The gym was my friend- I had buns of steel...much happier now though, if more wobbly. Your life can be so much better, honestly.