Are there good family men out there....

[whygodwhy]

Firstly, thank you to anyone who has listened to my situation over the last couple of years, I have finally separated from my extremely EA husband and have been apart for 5 weeks.

Life is so much better, both DS and I feel that we can breath again, no one shouting, no one making me feel bad about myself, feels a bit like walking in sunshine after so much darkness.

The one thing that I worry so much about is albeit I am nowhere near ready to have a relationship are there men out there who actually enjoy being with the partner and children. I have so conditioned to my ex-DH finding it all such a chore to do anything as a family and I seem to know alot of really dysfunctional men in bad relationships around me, that I could really do with hearing some good stuff about men and families - particularly anyone that has a DH who is good with his step-children.

Thx

yes, there are

congratulations on seizing back your life x

Thanks AF, its good and scary all at the same time.

Hello WGW

Yes there are plenty of good men out there. A friend of mine finally left her crazy personality-disorder husband when she found out he'd been having an affair for years and denying it to her. She has 2 gorgeous kids by the tosser - and now almost 10 years later is utterly loved up with a wonderful man who also has 2 kids of his own from ex wife..who left him for another bloke! So my friend and her new man have a common past experience iykwim. He is so great with her kids and they're going to get married in a while

There happy stories! Unhappy beginnings don't mean unhappy endings... good for you for sorting your own life out with your own strengths. Your DS will thank you and honouring you for taking your lives into the sunshine.

Take care

aww. lovely post scot

Well done whygod. That must have taken a lot of strength. There are definitely good guys out there. Meanwhile I hope you're getting plenty of help in rl... it's difficult when all the drama is over... That's not sposed to sound patronising by the way...

Oh yes there are. In fact I found the holy grail I think with late 30's emotionally functioning single man with no ex wife or children. I have two dd with psycho ex and we now have a lovely little boy and expecting another baby soon.

On paper I cannot imagine what he is doing taking on a family when we had a lovely single life, good job, great holidays and all that - but he was ready to settle down (he told me that on our first date!). But we are disgustingly happy, he adores my DDs as his own and our boy had been a wonderful addition to our family.

Cannot believe my luck but if it can happen to me it can happen to anyone. Do not ever imagine that having a past is a deal breaker, of course it can be but only with men who are wholly unsuitable anyway. It takes someone special to take on a family but special is what we all deserve.

Good for you with your new life and the absolute best of luck.

Hey there, well done for making those brave steps. You are already someone who a great guy would want to be with.. you have put your DS and yourself first

I was of the same opinion as you after my ex, and only a few months later by chance met the most amazing man.

He was single and a teacher, so solvent woohoo ! and he adores my DS We couldn't be happier a year on, we took it slow (as we could with DS on some of our dates !) but I am amazed every day how lucky I am...I often tell him he was my prize after putting up with so much from XP.

There was a lot of trouble early on in our relationship from my ex but we got through it and the right guy would for you x

My Dad was similar to your ex-H and buggered off when I was 7 and then proceeded to disrupt my life over and over again.

The only men I thought I could trust were men who were related to me by blood (apart from my dad) and thought I would never get married. My incredibly faithful and family-minded uncles and grandad (mum's dad and brothers) were amazing, fantastic male role models but I still decided never to marry.

Then my mum married my step dad when I was 12. I pushed him to the limit - I really, really tested him. I needed to find out if he really would stick around, if he loved me unconditionally. He did. He was amazing, steadfast, kind, loving to us all (me, my brother, and his two children). He made me see that men can be trusted.

Then I met my DH - he is the same. He often feels like other men at his work don't understand why he wants to spend his days off with his family, why he doesn't want to go out for after work drinks. He loves us all and loves being with us, and I trust him completely.

So, while I can understand why you are so wary, I can promise you that there are good men in the world. My two closest friends are also married to men like my husband. My brother is the same. They do exist - just make sure you build up your self esteem enough never to let yourself get into a damaging relationship again - you are better than that.

Thank you all so much for the heartening messages. For the first time in my life, having always gone from relationship to relationship, I have finally realised (thank god) that I DO NOT need a man to validate me and how messed I have been to think that.

I am seeing a counsillor to sort this as I want to just have time for both DS and I and make myself happy, as if I can't love myself then relationships are pretty much doomed.

I am taking great strength from the feeling that I would rather be alone for ever than be with a bad man again. Quite a revelation, just hope I can stay this strong, but feel I have too as my behaviour now and in the future will shape the rest of our lives.

ok if it looks like someones left its cos I joined as my husband by mistake

oh crap wrong thread, so sorry

whygodwhy you're exh sounds v.much like mine he liked the idea of being married and of having dcs but didn't contribute to family life and was an appalling husband and a rubbish dad.
so congratulations in taking those first steps in making a better life for you both as a single mum rather than a married single parent.
and yes to answer your question, there are alot of decent,lovely, family orientated men out there who won't be put off by a woman who already has a child
having dated a few muppets i met my now dp(also a single guy in his late 30s with lots going for him)and we just clicked.he absolutely dotes on my dcs and they adore him.
without wishing to gush,(which i guess i am!)he has enriched our lives like you wouldn't believe and the positive effect that it has had on the dcs esp.my eldest son is constantly remarked upon!
out of curiosity i'm wondering whether your exh's dad was much of a role model to him?i know that my ex's dad should have been enough of a warning to me!

Seriouslyblonde - What a wonderful thing has happened to you, I hope one day I have the good luck to meet someone so fab.

Exh's Dad was a carbon copy, to quote his Mum his Dad went out everynight for 20 years when the kids were little, still goes out Fri, Sat and Sun without her. There was no EA but that was only because she just lay down and accepted it - so so sad.

Really struggling at the mo, DS been at Dad's so so hard to be apart, actually felt like my heart would break, does it get easier?

my first w/e without mine was awful despite the supposed well earned me-time
i remember just rattling round the empty house, and it felt so weird esp.come night time seeing those empty beds and i couldn't wait to have them back with me
you will adjust to this i promise,it almost becomes like a part of your routine, and i do hope that you'll enjoy some time on your own whilst ds is with his dad
but, i've never chosen to stop mine from seeing their dad and hope i'll never have to(tho tbh ds1 has had enough)
like your exmil i have to say that mine is/ was a huge doormat and i do know and always felt that i didn't live up to their expectations wasn't the perfect wife
and thank you for your nice words re:my dp btw
glad to hear that my story has given you some hope!