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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

is someone expressing strong feeling early on always red flag

47 replies

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 05/02/2010 18:14

is it? always?

what about if they are very confident about saying how they feel?

but not in a dramatic , over-the-top way.

Or is it always a big red flag to say they are super keen from first date?

i'm not talking about saying they love you from day one.

that would have me running for the hills.

but making it clear from early on they were very smitten and admitting it.

any examples of full on fellas who turned out to be the real deal is welcome?

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Original poster

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 05/02/2010 21:15

eve - thats nail on head... i'm not really questioning that he is genuine.... more that i dont trust my judgement to realise the difference between someone who is very keen.. and someone who is showing red flags.

i made mistake with dc dad.

i mistook his red flags as just being keen.

i'm trying not to let that cloud my judgement.. and i do feel bad that my faces are because of my past.

i am giving him a bit of a hard time about it. but i suppose if he is genuine... he will put up with my disbelief

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tartyhighheels · 05/02/2010 21:17

My Partner was very clear about his intentions with me on our first date, not a big emotional thing but rather about here is where i am, this is what i would like and i think you are the sort of woman i am looking for to be with - how about it. He also told me he really fancied me but had no interest in a one night stand at all (tragic because i was massively up for a shag)- it was actually really refreshing and chivalrous and he blew my socks off in a really nice way.

We are really happy now and it was a lovely start for someone to be so bold with me.

Remotew · 05/02/2010 21:22

Juice, chill and go with how you feel. i.e don't let him push you into anything. Will add it's nice when it happens and it certainly isn't always a red flag as others have pointed out.

I met someone a few years ago. Well he left a lot behind to be with me very quickly, say one week in the mind, and six practically. He said he fell so hard. If I had loved him as much back we would have been together now but I didn't for all the reasons that, wel, just are. So that could have worked if I had really wanted it to.

Original poster

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 05/02/2010 21:26

tarty - yes. similar thing. no over the top declarations. just straight up and honest. and his version of being honest (if i trust him to be telling truth).. is that he's very smitten

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Original poster

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 05/02/2010 21:30

eve - dont worry. i wont be rushed into anything ;)

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2rebecca · 05/02/2010 22:13

I wouldn't like it. Different if it's a first date with someone you've known for ages and have maybe fancied for ages, but I would find a guy who had only met me a few days ago saying I was wonderful superficial and smarmy.
Mind you I'm now in my 40s so if a new bloke said he'd never felt about anyone else the way he felt about me I'd wonder why he'd had such a boring love life, but would also suspect he was lying.
I'm also very independant and don't like being fussed over.
If he's smitten but still laid back and not pushing you along then I'd just see how it goes and hope things work out.
I think sometimes you do just click with people though, and most of the blokes in my life I've fancied from just about the first time I saw them and talked to them.

mathanxiety · 05/02/2010 22:42

2Rebecca, I think I am in the same boat as you -- and I agree about finding some declarations superficial and smarmy depending on the circumstances.

I think if something sounds too good to be true, it probably is. If something just doesn't ring true or if something makes you doubt, you really have to get to the bottom of it.

NorthernSky · 05/02/2010 22:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

pingviner · 05/02/2010 23:57

Lovely dp moved to my country after we had spent a total of 9 days together over 3 months (in several countries!). It was a really lovely honest meeting of minds type relationship and just seemed right. He didnt tell me he was going to move over - he just arranged it but in a way that left both of us totally free from commitment but allowed us to see each other regularly (different cities, he had found a job and his own accomodation before he told me)

I was a bit worried, especially when he admitted he had made this step so we had a chance to meet up and carry on the relationship: If he had spoken to me about moving I would have very much put him off and been cautious- having been burned before by over controlling dependant relationships. He explained very pragmatically that he loved me and thought we were right together: that we might regret not giving it a chance: but that he didnt want to put any pressure by making us have plans and promises and comittments yet before we both felt ready.
Its hard to explain the difference between that and other relationships I had been in - The fact that he knew his own mind and was willing to make such a change was amazing, especially when he had done it with a lot of consideration and sensitivity and not at all stalkerishly- he wasnt in any way demanding or dependant on me, and if things hadnt worked out or I hadnt wanted to see hom he would have worked out his contract and gone on with other plans.

Luckily it was just the same when he moved over and we have now been together 6 yrs and have lovely DS...

Original poster

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 06/02/2010 07:59

ping - if he had told you what he was up to would you have been scared off?

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JaneS · 06/02/2010 12:23

It can be fine. I know my own mind: I go for 'I love you' quite early on, but then I've had some lovely relationships and there's only one of them I'm not still friends with.

My DP (cheeky bastard that he is), got me to say 'I love you' to him - he was teaching me a language and got me to repeat this phrase (it also means 'I like you'). I knew something was up because he was grinning so much!

We weren't going out at the time but I knew he had a thing for me ... we're getting married in summer and what he did does still make me grin. Oh, and he is the least controlling person in the world ...

KatieScarlett2833 · 06/02/2010 12:26

DH asked me to marry him after 3 weeks.

17 years later and 2 DC's we are still blissfully happy.

MamaG · 06/02/2010 12:28

DH an dI moved in together 6 weeks after meeting.

we've been together 15 years now

my Dad was NOT amused at th etime!

BitOfFun · 06/02/2010 12:34

Not a red flag on its own, no. Any other signs of twattery though? (another love-within-a-fortnight-and-sickeningly-happy-years-later person here)

NorthernSky · 06/02/2010 12:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn

Original poster

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 06/02/2010 15:53

BOF - still early. but no other signs.

passes waitress test

and bof - remember my story of tripping over by bra and hurting my jaw... that was him who searched the hotel for ice !

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Original poster

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 06/02/2010 15:54

mamag - how old were youthat your dad was so

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BitOfFun · 06/02/2010 16:13

Well, he doesn't sound so bad to me- give him a chance, and don't write off the possibility that you might just be irresistible

Original poster

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 06/02/2010 16:17

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pingviner · 06/02/2010 22:56

Late reply to donttouch: I think I would have been totally put off if he had tried to involve me more at that stage - ask my wishes on the matter, move to the same town, make a committment, im doing this for you type thing - it would have been way too much too soon´ I would have been very anxious if he seemed to be making me responsible for his choices and the relationship working out at that stage.
Its hard to explain but what appealed to me was the combination of independance and honesty - he was clear that his intentions were to give us a chance to have a relationship, but that he did not want to stifle or ruin it, or make either of us feel constrained by making any unalterable, permanent decisions until we were ready.

MamaG · 08/02/2010 08:02

I was 20, but a "young" 20 IYKWIM

Original poster

DONTtouchMUMSspecialJUICE · 08/02/2010 10:25

ping - yes... i think if it were implied that things were "done for you" so early on would also be a sign of being controlling or blaming others for you choices.. not good if it were to go tits up. you would get blame as they moved to you"for you".. and not simply because they wanted to.

mamg - . i was expecting a tennager.

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