Restarting the Marriage

[JabbaTheHutt]

Hi. I am an errant H (and new to mumsnet), trying to make good and 'start again'. We started to drift apart a number of years ago, then I took a foreign assignment on single status (with DW's reluctant approval), initially only for 3 months, but it inevitably it lasted for 1 year (with much disapproval). I had an affair while away, was found out about 8 months ago, returned from assignment about 3 months ago.

I truely regret my actions and have been trying to behave more like a decent H (have also been doing the combined and separate counselling thing). I was wondering whether DW & I should have something symbolic to restart the marriage. DW has never really liked her wedding and engagement rings, so an idea is to have these re-made.

I was wondering whether any one had any ideas on how a good weekend away (w/o children!) or other idea on how to get 're-engaged' and 're-married'. I am not exactly the most inspired and romantic of men...

any ideas or comments would be appreciated.

Assuming that DW feels as romantically about this as you do, I think it would be nice to bring up the subject over a glass of wine and plan it together.

agree with fluffy.

Your intentions sound good but am wondering how does your dw feel about your new start?

Or are you just asking how to win her round again?

My DH has suggested renewing our vows after his affair 10 months ago but as I said to him, I haven't broken mine - maybe it's just too soon after the event for me.

We have done a number of weekends away w/o DC and we would love to go on a longer holiday. I know he would love to buy me a frivolous car just for me (rather than a people carrier) and I go from being really keen to knowing I would feel great for a day and then the novelty would wear off. I think he justs wants to make it up to me in any way he can but in reality, all I want to do is talk about it and wait for time to heal me.

For me the best thing is us having time together, doing fun things together and making time for each other and really communicating.

Jabba are you still there?

Any thoughts on our thoughts iyswim?

Jabba - it's really heartening to read that you want to make a fresh start. I'm glad you're going to counselling - that must really be helping, especially your own. I hope you have got to the bottom of why you were unfaithful and have analysed your character so that this never happens again.

I understand you want to give your DW a gift that symbolises this fresh start, but that might be too soon for her. If you were still away from home for 5 months after your W's discovery, that must have been hell for her, when she was reeling with shock and full of unanswered questions.

The greatest gifts a betraying spouse can give during this period are love, nurturing and honesty. I hope you are telling your wife all she needs to know. Until the story of the affair and all that led up to it are known, true recovery is very difficult indeed.

A break away without children is also a lovely idea, but as long as you accept that some of that time is going to be filled with conversations about the affair - that first break away is not always a happy time, as although necessary, those conversations can be so painful for both of you.

Good luck and keep posting. It would be so useful for us to have your insights on this board; so often we only hear from women who have been unfaithful and it would be refreshing to read a man's perspective.

Sorry for the long break. Suspect DW has read this, but didn't particularly want to be 'caught' asking this on mumsnet even though she suggested mumsnet a while ago(i know, that's silly).

Although DW would probably have left without a second thought if we did not have children, she has stayed (initially only for their sakes). I think that she would be Ok with the idea of restarting. She says that she thinks about it all the time - almost everything reminds her of my infidelity - but she seems to be 'getting over it' (and I don't mean that as simplistically as it sounds. She feels she can't trust me yet - understandably.

We have talked about it from time to time. as much the affair as the issues that caused it (as far as I am concerned, an affair is a symptom, not a cause). I always dread it ( as she does, I suspect), but it seems to help. The last conversation about it was almost pleasant.

I think a get away some time around our next anniversary may be appropriate. I hear what you say about too soon, but i think (hope?) that is not the case here.

What do you think about resetting the wedding rings. Will she be able to look at them without thinking back to these dark days?

will be back later - but not for a day or two...

Correction: "she thinks about it all the time" - the affair, that is, not the restarting of the marriage...

Can you go on a nice holiday just the two of you first? Then she can have the chance to ask you any questions about what happened, and may feel closer to you. Getting new rings sounds like a nice idea, esp if she doesn't like the ones she has. You could do it together.