contacting OW or her husband

[roobee]

just wanted a bit of perspective really.
my ex and I split up a couple of months ago. we have a child together.
it was a very tempestous up and down relationship and for the most part I am glad to be out of it. My ex engineered a huge row and we split and within a couple of days i found out he had been having an affair. i uncovered emails between him and OW. He was very economical with the truth with her and now i think she is on the verge of leaving her husband for my ex.

Part of me wants to give her the full script as i actually feel a degree of sympathy for her but then i think I should stay out of it.

My strongest urge is to contact her H tho and tell him what has been going on. I hate tto think that she too will engineer a situation so that this guy thinks he is to blame for their relationship breaking down.

The fact that my child could at some point be exposed to her, which i guess will inevitably happen, makes me want everything out in the open now from the start. I dont want my son forging a relationhsip with her that is based on lies.

anyone any experience or thoughts?

I wouldn't contact OW. I know how tempting it is, I feel the same about my situation, but it wouldn't change anything, you owe her nothing, and it would probably be seen as spiteful whatever the intentions.

Now the H is a different matter. OW's H contacted me (although said he was very nervous about doing so as he didn't know if I'd even believe him, and was very concerned about the damage it would do) From my point of view, I'm so glad he did, as it exposed exactly what H was up to (pretty similar to your ex) and has spared my sanity.

Really tricky one. Don't do anything in haste is the best advice I can give.

thanks for reply.

My ex was really happy for me to walk away from the relationship not knowing just exactly what had been going on. As hurtful as it has been, i am so so glad i did find out. I think that is what is at the forefront of my desire to contact her H.

At first i wondered if it was revenge against my ex and OW and not letting them sail off into the sunset as it were. But the more i think about it, I just dont think that is the case.

The fact she has 2 children of her own, my ex has 2 to first wife and one with me complicates things so much. I ultimately just want to protect my child so it has crossed my mind would causing further trauma to all other kids involved be worth it.

I just dont know. Its the whole injustice i think that is getting to me at the moment.

not an easy one

i think maybe wait until she has left and then maybe offer him some help by saying you know what an awful thing he is going through.

Just like you he will probably be grateful after the event.
Of course she may not even want to leave her h and then your ex will have it all his way - and it will be best to keep out of it then too.

I too have had the same thoughts. I have no intention of contacting OW for the reasons you mention, don't want her thinking I'm being spiteful or care about her feelings, I wish no contact with her at all. But her ex is another matter. I'm not sure he is in the picture fully as my husband left me and moved in with OW a full 4 months before OW ended her relationship.
I have written a letter to her ex offering support but it has sat unposted for 6 weeks now, I'm not sure if I should send it. My H knows I have her ex's address and says he will be really angry if I contact him, but what more damage could I do to an already broken marriage.
No help but know how you feel.

devastated, be careful with the letter that it can't be intercepted.. Do you have his tel no at all?

Leave it well alone. If your x marries this woman etc, she will be your child's stepmother and you will need to work out how to have the best relationship you can with her. Whether you contact her or her husband, there will be a fallout - it could impact your relationship with your child's potential stepmother so I wouldn't do it. You should try to just concentrate on yourself and your child and just let the rest of them get on with whatever they are doing - you can't fix this problem, it's gone too far for that and I would just stay right out of it.

thanks for all replies.
she is planning on leaving her husband. On the basis of a load of lies my ex has told her. but that is for her to find out i guess. I dont feel obliged to tell her she is making a huge mistake as it will most definitely be viewed as sour grapes.

I have no desire to maintain any form of relationship with her or to keep her on side so to speak. My son and I have moved hundreds of miles away so he will see his dad very infrequently and I will see even less of ex or OW.

and I dont want to tell her husband so he can cause trouble for my ex or for them as a couple. Its definitely more that for his sanity i think it only fair he knows.

i may write a letter, to get my feelings out, but not post it. see if that makes me feel any better.

Sorry but I think you should just let this go. If you're not going to have much contact with him and you've moved many miles away then I think you should stay out of this. I think you will be feeding your ex's ego enromously as he will think you're doing it because of him.

I think - if you feel real sympathy for her then maybe warn her but don't get invoved with her husband in any way. Getting involved won't help him in any way.

Just another thought - if OW ends up staying with her H (because you tell her what your H is really like), is there a risk that your H will come crawling back to you?

i dont think there is much chance of my ex coming crawling back to me!! He'd have to admit he'd been wrong then, and that wouldnt be in his make up!!

I am trying so hard to maintain my dignity and not give him anything to have a go at me about. I am trying to focus on the karma opinion and what goes around comes around!!

maybe in 5 yrs time i will be glad i contacted neither. Its the here and now i am struggling with.