Empty nest

[frosti1981]

Empty nest syndrome kicking in with a vengeance. Thought it was OK as we had survived university but once they start working it feels more real. DH taken early retirement/redundancy and I am left wondering if this is it. Is this how it is going to be from now on. And what is this. We are having to rewrite our relationship and goals. And DH isn't all that keen. It has hit him hard. Trying to be patient, after 29 years of marriage I'm not going to throw the towel in but it does seem a little bleak. I feel like a walking cliche. And I hate feeling sorry for myself. You bring up your children to be independent and take whatever opportunities come their way..and then they do.

Was actually loooking forward for a new phase even tho sad when youngest left for uni.DH kept hugging me and saying how great it was to be just us two and all seemed well.Got the shock of my life several months later when I discovered he'd developed an inappropriate friendship with OW who was a business contact who'd developed a major crush on him and sent multiple texts a day and went out of her way to see him 3-4 times a week.Seems he had a late mid life crisis and loved the attention despite many happy years together.The DC's leaving and financial worries hit harder than we both thought.First time he's done anything remotely like this -and worked hard to win me and my trust back.
Nearly a year on and after counselling and much soul searching back on track thankfully-but not been easy.But what it has done has made me make more effort for 'me' time as well as 'us' time.Re- connected with a couple of great old mates, started doing lovely long walks.Reading tons more and determined to have a little treat each day-even if just a nice chat or soak in the bath with lovely smellies.Not in the enviable position of Malifience to holiday and go away so much.Money is tight with two still at uni and recession hitting our business.But finding joy in the little things-especially with this lovely weather.All the best Frosti- it does get easier.Just talk about how you feel to your DH.He may be feeling as lost as you.

This is a difficult time of life. Our DS2 has just gone to Uni and I miss him as if something has been torn out of my body! However, our DS1 will probably never be able to leave home due to disability and that makes me sad in another way. I hope OP that you both have your health and that you can make an enjoyable life for yourselves. Unfortunately, both my DH and I are very unwell even though we are only in our 50s, so the idea of wonderful foreign holidays and cruises etc will never happen for us.

But, I have just had several months off work with my chronic illness and the silver lining has been that DH and I have really re-connected whilst I have been off (he retired 10 years ago). I hope you can reach something like that with your DH.

I feel like this - I'm a single mum and my two are now at university. My feelings are mixed when they come home, because obviously they love living with their friends and being "independent" (I say that because how independent are you when your mum still buys your food?) The house seems very, very empty at times, but then I got used to it and when they come home it's not the same as it was.

It must be lovely to have a lovely husband to share this time with, but awful to have an awful husband to share the time with!

Thanks for your reply leftasemptynester , reassuring to know I am not alone, DH and daughter think am being a bit of a drama queen which is not helpful but is really hard to decide if am being reasonable, who knows they may be right.

Anyhow going to try the usual evening classes, read more books possibly consider part time college and see how it goes hoping that the feeling doesnt last long. How about yourself ? It sounds like you considering a Shirley Valentine!

Hi Katysparkle.
I can't think that we're unusual but perhaps other mothers have more in their lives to occupy their time so it doesn't hit them as hard. I know some people look forward to having the children out of the house but I certainly don't. I love being with them. I have a part-time job which helps but the thought of not having both children around is terrifying. Little things like 'who will I have to chat to over breakfast and talk to about the day ahead' make me think how empty things will be. We spend our lives worrying about bringing up the children and then suddenly they're gone and the vacuum is enormous.
I'd love to do a Shirley Valentine but she had a gorgeous Greek guy to go off with didn't she? Can you find me one of those?

Dont know any gorgeous greeks sorry, but would love to have a bit more excitement in my life. I feel exactly the same way, I love having the kids around and when they arent around it feels very lonely, quiet and lifeless. I came from a family of four children and so there were always lots of siblings and friends in the house, it feels wrong for there not to be others around. Am hoping that DH picks up his game and becomes more of a companion, we have been arguing a lot lately, I hope that your DH also makes the effort to hold on to your marriage, if that is what you want that is.

DD was sorting out wardrobe today to get rid of unwanted clothes before goes to US, I did slip off for a minute and shed a couple of tears, as wont be long now, she leaving end of May. Am going to compensate by eating chocolate this weekend!

My children left home a long while ago- my youngest daughter is 30 now! But I feel sad that I don't see them much and they have busy , mostly happy lives. I have a chronic illness so I cannot see them as much as I'd like. I have a lot of good friends, I do textile art, but I still find I find it painful that I miss my children so much. I retired two years ago, so I have never been a stay at home Mum, but my kids were always very important to me.

This is an old thread!

... but I suppose this is a perennial experience for parents.

Doubly hard as a lone parent - then it really is an empty home. But as you adjust you may find you enjoy living alone and can appreciate the many compensations it offers.

Adjusting might take some work and learning to change your life so that, for example you see people every day by going out and doing things purposely to socialise, and make efforts to make new friends.

Change is hard at all times of life. This is another transition and takes effort and time to achieve successfully. But I think you also do need to allow yourself to mourn that part of your life that has ended and treat yourself kindly while you are doing so.

Frosti, wish you all the best.
Also empty nesters now. Look forward to the times the family comes home to visit with the young ones now.
We are still working, (thank goodness), but together,

Hubby wants to travel, caravan around Australia (omg, no way)
I think we would kill each other, I can't see it happening.
Also, reconciling, so its been very trying.
Nearly 40 years married.
No advice really, I know its not easy.

I hope things have changed since 2011 and that the very real pain and grief (for some) of the empty nest is not treated as a joke.

I read this with interest as I've just found out I can never have children, and so my nest will always be empty. I know it's hard, but if you've been lucky enough to have children, please celebrate that. (this is not meant to sound bitter or woe is me, but it's a reminder of what you've had that's good. Add all cliches about doing a good job because they've gone etc!)

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I have to admit that I have fallen victim to the dreaded Empty Nest Syndrome. Some days are worse than others. Daughter is now 26 and lives nearby. Son is 21 and at uni and the old saying seems to be borne out that 'a daughter is a daughter for the rest of her life; a son is a son til he gets him a wife!' Or in this case girlfriend. Having being through a lot with my son during his volatile teenage years, we were very close and I was the one he turned to when things got tough. Now, I'm lucky if I hear from him once a fortnight and I get 'told off' for nagging him if I send what he sees as too many messages. Ah well, upside is that me and husband have the house to ourselves and have got into 'couple' mode again. But sometimes, I swear its as if my heart has been wrenched out of me!