HELP!! Am I fooling myself??

[Simonella]

HI everyone, This is a really long message, but i really need advice/help/criticism/suggestions/ anything. PLEASE HELP ME

I found out I was pregnant 7months ago ()summer 09) and decided to keep it despite my manic relationship. We were always at each others throat. When I told him I was pregnant he was working in a pub. He came home drunk every night and emotionally abused me. Said he would not support me and that i would loose the baby anyway. I moved out for the sake of my sanity and the baby as I was determined to keep it.

I told him nothing he just came home the next day and saw I had packed most of my things and left. i moved into a hostel. Not long after i got a summer job. Also i had only moved away up the road from him so I still saw him everyday but we didnt speak. Whn we finally did he was acting childish and acted as if he didnt know me. i decided to be the bigger person and spoke to him. I let him know that if he wanted to be apart of the babys life and with me during the pregnancy he had to act like an adult and stop being selfish. He said he acted tht way as i had moved out and not let him know where 'we' stood- I said to him i was no mind reader and I moved out as he was stressing me out and I was not putting myself at risk of another miscarriage.I was firm with him and said I wanted him to play a part in the babys life, but if he has selfish habits and continously emotionally abuses me, then he'll play no part.I also let him know tht I kept the baby for me, not for him. I wanted the baby. Despite making up and him apologising I still did not move bk in with him. he promised to cut down his drinkin- this I think he said in the hope of me moving back in.

I stayed in the hostel while wrkin part time in a supermarket. I left at the end of summer to continue my uni degree. as I knew if I had not gone back to uni on the coast staying with him, I would have probably been at a high risk of miscarrying.

Suprisingly he became very supportive and helped me move into my student place, and came to visit me every other weekend. My only problem was tht at times he would come down and be drunk or for the whole time he'd be with me he would want to go to the pub or off licence to have '1' drink. there was never 1 drink with him.he said it loosened him up, made him happy.

When we first strted dating he drunk regularly and did drugs. He kicked the drug habit as he knw I would leave him if he continued, and I made him realise he had no one, his family disowned him, his 'frenz' all had mental prob or were junkies

Now we argue from time to time but as soon as we argue we make up straight away. When id visit him whr he lives we'd usually get on for 2days and by day 3 we'd be at each others throat. We would usually argue about him spending time with me, or him drinking to get drunk, or lighten his mood ; to chill him out. He would ring me up sometimes and say I havnt had n e thing to drink all week , and I havnt had one cigarette. When he'd come visit me he would then constantly nag me for '1' drink. and then we would argue n he would go out n get drunk. id say stuff like I will never live with you cause we cant get along. and you will never get drunk around the kid. I love him to bits but I just want to get on with him. Would you say I come across as controllin?

he said to me a few weeks bac that his mom said to him that it seems Im trying to change him, and that he doesnt like it.- I should mention that i dont smoke and I only strted drinkin whn we started goin out.- socially i mean. and obviously as soon as I got pregnant I havnt ad a drink. i have never 1ce askd him to quit smokin, obviously id like him to for his health but ive never suggested or pressured him to. its just his drinking as he winds me up, starts meing rude ' which he calls 'having a laugh. I dont know what to do,what am i doing wrong? am i expecting too much of him? ---

I know this is a long message but I really need help and advice. I want us to work and for us more importantly to get on. Please help. All advice and criticism is accepted. also please ask me if smthg doesnt seem clear.

Please help

hes got the problem. you are in the right.

make sure you create your life where YOU get the optimum chances. make sure any accomodation is in YOUR name if you decide to live together in the future. always keep at the forefront of your mind your wellbeing.

he isn't acting like an adult.

he phones you up saying he hasn't had a drink all week - what does he want a fucking medal - welcome to life sunshine - where most people dont get wankered all week becuase they have to function at work the next day.

he sounds like a total tosser - its unfortunate that you may have him in your life forever - but always think about your needs first. dont let love, youth, or any frivolity, kind words or promises - ever let you forget that

oh and always have a secret stash of money.

hi, my sympathy goes out to you. this can't be good this late on in your pgncy.
Can you try to sort things out with a third party involved? Perhaps student services at your uni can suggest some sort of counselling. And soon i would suggest because once baby comes along there may be too much going on to be able to 'sort' these issues out and they will bubble away which can not be healthy.
best of luck with the rest of you bump days.

Forget him and his precious mother. They belong together. Obviously she has always let him get away with behaving like a drunken child and he thinks this is your role too. You don't need to be cast in the role of an alternative mother to an immature alcoholic, and your baby doesn't need him as a "father" either. He will do that baby a LOT more harm than good.

He may act like he doesn't want to lose you ('all supportive') but he'll really surprise you by the speed with which he finds someone else when you really put your foot down. Hopefully for your sake this will be sooner instead of later and before he really messes up your life.

You belong at uni and whatever good places life brings you and the baby to after that.

This sentence is the most telling to me:

"he said to me a few weeks bac that his mom said to him that it seems Im trying to change him, and that he doesnt like it."

Any change, in him, has to come from himself. Whether you are trying to change him or whether he just feels that the pressure to change is coming from you, it's not going to work because he will always feel that resentment that you were the one who made him "give up" his old life of drink, drugs etc. YOU don't sound controlling, HE sounds immature and whiny.

I think that you, and your child, can do much better than him. Uni sounds like a fantastic opportunity - go! I wish I hadn't let my ex talk me out of going to uni. And what mathanxiety says is so true - my ex was "devestated" when I walked out on him. He was also a drinker and I thought that he would get drunk and smash things up, but he didn't - he spent about three days not drinking, not sleeping, not eating, crying, sending me emails (which my mum screened and deleted most of) threatening suicide, saying I had ruined his life. FOUR DAYS after we split up he had a new girlfriend and now his life is perfect again. I get the odd text saying "I am really missing our son" midweek (he sees him at weekends) but apart from that, nothing.