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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

He's moved away without me!

23 replies

FoxiRoxi · 05/02/2010 00:51

I've been with DP for just under a year. He's the first man I trusted since my H died 2.5 years ago. He's lovely, he adores my baby DD, we talked about a future together. DH was mentally unstable but I loved him, I thought I'd never be able to trust again until DP came along.

Just yesterday, DP told me he's given up his job and is moving to the coast to live the surf life. He expected me to drop everything and go with him. I'm gutted, I can't just leave my family and business on a whim! He's gone now and I don't know whether I should have followed my heart?

I feel like everyone I love will leave me, is there something wrong with me? Should I let DSis run the business and take DD to the seaside? How would I know DP loves us, if he can leave us so easily? I'm scared I'll be alone forever, DD needs a nice Dad. What should I do?

OP posts:
Rubarb · 05/02/2010 01:08

Does he really love you enough if he can leave like that to satisfy a personal whim?

I hate my job passionately and have been offered better opportunities abroad. My DD is now in a lovely school and my DW has a good local support network of friends; she didn't want to move. It would be just for me so we haven't gone.

I have been accused of being a doormat however.

Original poster
FoxiRoxi · 05/02/2010 01:12

I dunno, Rubarb, I wish my boyfriend was more of a doormat like you! It's fantastic to hear about a man who puts his family above his personal wishes. I never knew anybody like that.

OP posts:
SolidGoldBrass · 05/02/2010 01:45

There isn't anything wrong with you and this isn't your fault. While he has acted selfishly to an extent, if what he has done is what he really, really wanted to do it's understandable. Also, when you say you were 'with' him was this a case of living together, having DC together, or were you dating? Because if it's the latter, he may not have thought of the relationship as being as serious as maybe you did. Is he very young?

BitOfFun · 05/02/2010 01:45

Rubarb- I notice you have only just joined. Friendly advice- you REALLY need to change your user name, as it's far to close to Rhubarb, who is a very regular poster.

Foxi- it strikes me that your dd needs a mum who is solid and on top of her life more than she needs a new daddy. Leaving to be a beach bum sounds a bit ropey to me, and not an avenue to pursue. Did this all come out if the blue? He is not really worthy of your trust if that's the case.

EcoMouse · 05/02/2010 03:20

He told you yesterday and disappeared today? I think that's spectacularly callous. Does your DD have a relationship with him?

This must be very hard for you but I don't think running after him bodes for a healthy relationship in the future. (I envisage one where he continues to call the shots and you continue to tag along or lose him).

If your DD is going to have a 'dad', yes, he needs to be a nice dad but many, many children grow up with one good parent and do just fine.

The same goes for you in a sense! If you're going to have a partner, he needs to be a good one, someone who you can rely on and who you can trust but many women and mothers attain happines in singledom.

Singledom might not be for you, you say you are scared of being alone forever but there really are worse things! Don't let that fear drive you to lower your standards, for you and your DD's sake.

Did you engage in any bereavement counselling following your DH's death?

thumbwitch · 05/02/2010 06:44

Blimey, he didn't waste any time did he! I get the general impression he didn't really want you to go with him, or he would have given you a bit more warning to get your head around the idea.

There is nothing wrong with you at all. Some men are just like this. Some men pretend they are not but still are. And some men are like Rubarb (Please take note of what BoF said, it confused me no end when you posted on another thread until you mentioned you had a DW) and put their family first.

All you need to do is focus primarily on your own and your DD's needs as a family. (and don't let that focus be "we need a man" because it just ain't so) Nice men who don't run off at the drop of a hat are out there - you need to believe that you ARE worthy of meeting one.

robino · 05/02/2010 06:50

Err, did he leave in a yellow car?

Littlefish · 05/02/2010 06:59

With a surf board on the roof?

bananacheesecake86 · 05/02/2010 07:57

you cant beat a good old eastenders thread! definatly made me chuckle!!

EcoMouse · 05/02/2010 08:12

Far too busy wasting time on here to have time to watch soaps

thumbwitch · 05/02/2010 08:16

been out the loop too long - who in EE did this happen to? Having trouble thinking of anyone whose H died 2.5 years ago who now has a baby DD..

robino · 05/02/2010 08:18

The clue is in the name

LoveBeingAMummy · 05/02/2010 08:27

So glad someone else said it i was starting to think i had been here too long and was getting a bit mean

FabIsGoingToBeFabIn2010 · 05/02/2010 11:22

Did Sean die?

Original poster
FoxiRoxi · 05/02/2010 11:57

Thanks all for your very kind replies

I've decided he's too bloody immature to be trusted with Amy, I need her to be surrounded by people who love her, look after their roots, and make a habit of stitching each other up.

Don't know what I would have done without you all! Pop into the Vic any time, yours is on the house

OP posts:
robino · 05/02/2010 14:14

Lovebeingamummy - I did have a feeling of trepidation as I pressed the post button just in case FoxiRoxi wasn't a made-up character there was an amazing coincidence .

Foxi - mine'll be a bottle of your finest bubbly seen as you raked it in when your dad snuffed it unfortunately died.

thumbwitch · 05/02/2010 16:31

I didn't think Sean died either - hence the confusion.

Ah well, sucked in, never mind!

Rindercella · 05/02/2010 16:38

Come on face it - it's all about the family.

Stay at the pub with them.

FimBOW · 05/02/2010 16:44

Have you not seen any of the soap mags in the shops Roxy?? Latest is that your dh may have killed your pops.

Can you tell your sister to stop pouting and just get it on with Jack - it is driving me mad.

P.s. I don't think your new brother is to be trusted.

mamas12 · 05/02/2010 18:11

da da da da da dumd dum

ItsGraceAgain · 05/02/2010 18:19

Oo-er, FimBow, all this time I've thought I was a widow. But now you remind me, he ran off into the woods didn't he, after DSis pulled him out of the ice. I've never had a good memory, I sometimes feel like I've missed a few instalments of my own life IYKWIM

You reckon DH is plotting a comeback to get his hands on MY money, then? Ronnie won't like that. Agree with you about my brother, but what can you do? He's family! God knows why we've not checked his birth record online. You know what we're like, we prefer the drama!

If he's not related to us, at least me & Ronnie'll be able to shag him.

Original poster
FoxiRoxi · 05/02/2010 18:20

Oh, bugger

OP posts:
ASecretLemonadeDrinker · 05/02/2010 18:23

Roffle! There was me, feeling all sorry for the OP

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