Lonely - Want some male attention

[norksinmywaistband]

So I am am mid way through my divorce, have never been on my own before.
Prior to meeting STBExH I was a serial monogamist, never alone for more than a week.
I miss male contact
I have no friends who are able to go out with me, social time is always at one anothers houses due to childcare.
How do I / should I try and meet someone?
I want the male company, attention, physical stuff, but also know I am not ready to embark on a full on relationship, still too much hurt, distrust and complications atm.

I need advice as it has been getting bad to the stage when I even ( for a split second) considered getting back with STB Ex just for the sex.

Any advice?

Net dating can get you the attention you crave. I wouldn't recommend picking up random strangers off the net for physical attention, especially seeing as you're going through a divorce right now, it could end messy-for you.

But for confidence boosting, male attention getting, girly smile educing flirting then online dating is a very easy, safe way to achieve some not-too-real-yet interaction with the opposite sex.

So is that just catting to men on the net
I have been out of this game for so long I don't even knows what it involves.

Are there any sites you can recommend - I really don't want to end up on a dodgy one

Never alone for more than a week??
Seriously? I have never understood this. You need some time on your own, to get your head properly together without having to think of anyone else. Do you not enjoy your own company?

Chatting I'm all of a dither even talking about it

I am quite happy with my own company, I just really like male company- but always seem to have been with someone, mind you it was all young relationships, met H when I was 19 am now 37.

SOrry, that may have come out a bit wrong. What I mean is, by jumping from one relationship to another, you are doing it purely because, for whatever reason, you don't want to be alone. I am a lone parent, and well understand the loneliness, but I don't think it's a very healthy way to be really. Would you really consider hopping into bed with your ex?? Do yourself a favour and take a trip to Ann Summers

I understand what you mean. I have just separated from my H and we were together since we were 18, I am now 45. Where to start. I have signed up for one online site, the one advertised a lot. Had a few messages, but not the same as meeting someone face to face. We'll just have to wait and see what happens.

norks

You need to look at this differently. Why are you seemingly so afraid of being on your own?. You need to be honest with yourself on that one, you cannot rely on other people to validate you and your self esteem. You need to love your own self first.

The very last thing you need at the moment is another relationship of any sort. You certainly do not need to lower yourself further by going back to the STBEH for the sex. You will only further your own emotional demise if you do that and you know this.

You sound like you are in a real lifestyle rut and you could do with making some new friends too. It sounds trite I grant you but have you considered an evening class, line dancing, salsa classes, going out with the Ramblers Association on the weekend; you need to meet other people, not just men, of all different ages. You need to widen your social horizons generally.

You need time to heal and for that you will need to learn to love your own self and to be comfortable in your own company. You've never been on your own for more than a week, now its time to start and learn more about who you really are and what you want from life.

On a much wider level as well, what did your parents teach you about relationships?. If they imparted damaging lessons to you then you will need to unlearn the damaging patterns and reassess your whole approach to relationships. Otherwise you may go onto repeat the same types of mistakes.

Perhaps also reading "Women who love too much" by Robin Norwood would help you.

Is it really wrong to want real male attention and sex and I'm sorry but I have frequented Ann summers on plenty of occasions and nothing she offers measures up to the real thing for me.

I am happy on my own, hence saying I didn't want a relationship just some attention, and yes briefly I did consider going back to ex for that alone.

Thats part of the fluttery fun though, getting a bit dithery!

Yep pretty much just chatting(unless of course you want to go out on a date then it's more obviously). I found it very fun and there was lots of attention from a whole load of different types of men(some more interesting than others). The nice thing with it is that you can just log off when you've had enough and there's no pressure to get dressed up, wear make up and hold your tummy in like if you were to go out to a bar. Just recreate the bar at home-get some peanuts and bottle of wine and have a go, you might enjoy yourself and if you don't then harm done

It's been a few years since I was dating on the net so not sure what's a good site anymore but here are the ones I know of-

girlsdateforfree

Plenty of fish

match.com

eharmony

Yep, Atilla put it much better than me

I don't think there's anything wrong with wanting someone from the opposite sex telling you that you're beautiful, sexy and that they want to talk to you. It's a very good confidence boost.

I am the sort of person who everyone sees as confident, outgoing, and happy.- I am not.
I hate the position I am in with every bone in my body. I think I am too old and in the wrong position(2 DC) for anyone to want me.
I just want someone to care for me for once in my life.
I have patchy relationship with my Dad and mum died 20 years ago.
As for clubs, I have no money and only have one sunday a fortnight to do anything, and atm that is taken up with my Nan.
Your right I am in a rut and I hate it but cannot see a way out.
I wish tbh the ground would swallow me up

No it is not wrong to seek male attention but you are going about it the wrong way here. You will come across as desparate and needy to men, some men who will have low self esteem and worth will latch on to you and then drag you down further with them.

You need to be on your own, I don't think you know who you are and what you want out of life; you've never had the chance to find out for your own self because you've always been with someone.

You married quite young and now at 37 you're a very different person. Reassess your own life now, you are certainly not past it at 37 and I would also say to you love your own self for a change. I don't think you love your own self at all; you've always needed someone else (a male figure) to validate you.

I have been in a similar position, met ex at 19, split up nearly 2 years ago at 35. I spent the 12 months getting over it with no interest at all in relationships at all. And then the next 6 months getting more and more horny! Would have happily shagged ex, although I knew that he wouldn't contemplate it and I didn't suggest it.
I have tried online sites a bit, although not actually met up with anyone.

I occasionally feel like you norks, but saw Pineapplechunks' advice and signed up for girlsdateforfree about an hour ago. It is so awesome! Join now, norks.

Had some lovely messages and am going to bed feeling flattered and content.

I understand how you feel,nswb. I have not even started a divorce with my H. I have never been happy with him in the 11 years of our marriage. It has not been what I would class a 'proper relationship' because of various problems. For years and years, I have not felt that I had a partner/just male company/someone nice to go out with/do things with/talk to. I feel that same as you - I am fed up with being on my own - but then I have been in a very lonely marriage with no real companionship.

I would not wish, either, to jump from the frying pan into the fire. I would not want to take on a full relationship - but miss the male company which I have not had for years (even though I have been married).

I, too, have gone from one long-term relationship to another (well, 3 - 2 marriages with a bad relationship in between). However, I was separated from my H for a year during which time I would never have contemplated jumping into a relationship so I suppose that is the only time I have been sort of on my own.

For me, I think that, just to join things/hobbies/clubs where I could just mix with males as well as females (I am not working and I do not actually even ever mix with men really) would be best for me.

It is hard, though, as I miss/have missed for years closeness etc with a partner as I have not had that in my marriage.

I have read 'Women who love too much' also and realise that from meeting and marrying my first husband at 18, I have always thought I preferred to be in a relationship. However, I have been badly burnt in my present marriage so I would not put myself in the position of getting hurt in a hurry, anyway.

Jesus, put a cork in it.

Sorry that was rude of me.

norks.....i know exactly what you mean here....you need to get out to a few bars and see whats out there!!

easier said than done i know! especially with no friends who can drag you out! i have a 15 year old dd who is happy to babysit,but friends are all stuck for childcare,so i never go out either. but i have a b/f so no need to go out to meet men,but just want to go out!

Norks, your last post shows that you're not just looking for some male attention, it's much more than that - "I just want someone to care for me for once in my life". And there's nothing wrong with that but you just need to be honest with yourself. Considering seeing your ex again also means you're not over him yet.

I was in your situation 3 years ago after exH left. On my own for the first time in years and years and although I gave myself a little while to get back on my feet before I started dabbling online, it wasn't really long enough. I've had two disastrous relationships since we split - all full on from the word go and with the wrong men - because although I'd told myself I was happy alone I don't suppose I really was and I fell for the promises of happy ever after.

The last one ended in a truly bizarre fashion quite recently and it's only now that I realise how much I've got, how contented I am and that I've been going about it all wrong. I feel now that I really am ready for just some nice male attention and I really do miss the sex and that I'm mentally in the right place to make the right decisions. So my advice is to steer clear of online dating for a while, until you're happier in yourself. You can meet some nice people but it's a minefield. And to say you're washed up at 37 is nonsense. I'm a good deal older than you and have never felt sexier or more alive.

Sorry, don't know what I said to offend you Dis, But just looked at your profile and are from what I can see in a totally different place from me. I think If you don't have anything to offer you should stay away from the thread rather than leaving brief snidey comments.

Thankyou all for the advice you have given - I know I am not in the right place for a relationship and I am over ex, BUT I considered it, as I said for a second.

I think you are right in that I need to find me first, but have difficulty with that as have never really seen me as a person in my own right, I have always been someones wife mother carer. Guess I just feel a bit lost

norks

At 37 you've always been responsible for someone else and you have forgotten who you really are along the way.

I was not totally surprised to read that you've had and still have a patchy relationship with your Dad. I would go onto suggest that you've always been with men like your Dad ever since, y'know emotionally unavailable and distant as your own Dad probably was towards you. He taught you some damaging lessons re relationships. If this is the case then you need to unlearn those patterns through counselling.

You are not washed up at all at 37 but you are in a real rut and you need to dig yourself out of the hole you are in. Only you though can do that, you need to be brave and make the first step out.

Bars are not the ideal place at all to meet men if you are ultimately looking for a deep and meaningful relationship. You need to get yourself out there but not visit those places.

What do you do during the daytime?.

Daytime - Clean other peoples houses, look after DS, go to the park, library. Housework, shopping. Visit Nan a couple of times a day to look after her.

Not sure what you mean by I'm in a different place but like I said that was rude of me and I shouldnt have posted it, I just could never do what your OP was suggesting and poted before thinking.