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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Talking to my ExH

23 replies

memorylane · 04/02/2010 16:27

We have been talking on the phone for a couple of weeks now, purely random stuff and catching up on our respective lives. (divorced 30yrs ago). We both like the conversations as I guess it is interesting to learn whats been going on and to see how we have 'matured'. We have no plans to meet up at all, we also live opposite ends of the country. He is taking steps to divorce his wife and I am happily married. One problem, I DO feel guilty talking to him because I have not told DH (yes, I guess he would be hurt), so yes I am guilty of betrayal, but how do I stop talking to someone on the phone who I have sort of built up a friendship with.

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 04/02/2010 16:43

Oh Memory Lane, it's not still going on is it? His wife asked you not to contact him, didn't she? And you're not happily married, are you?

You asked advice on this weeks ago - what's changed?

Wish there was a disingenuous emoticon.

HappyWoman · 04/02/2010 16:50

This is on a secret phone too is it not?

Well as a cheated on wife i would not give you any respect at all - she has asked you to stay away and you have not respected her wishes (whether or not it is his fault or not).

Be warned you will be a part of his divorce and possibly yours too if she finds out and tells your h. That is what i would do.

Tell him it is going nowhere - because you are 'happily' married and that you want to stop contact - him getting divorced is not your problem. Then change your number and dont let him contact you again.

Original poster

memorylane · 04/02/2010 16:58

So am I being a complete fool for believing we can just be friends, because believe me there is absolutely nothing more to it. I swear.

OP posts:

notsurewhat · 04/02/2010 17:01

If this is the case why are you hiding it from your H

Original poster

memorylane · 04/02/2010 17:03

Seriously? because we both have such different opinions on so many levels that I just don't think he would understand. That really is the only reason.

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 04/02/2010 17:08

Yes, you're being foolish, but also cruel, to his wife and your husband. And given the content of the conversations reported on your previous thread, you don't really believe there's "nothing more to it" - and neither did we. Secret phones, SIM cards and a hurt wife on the phone do not equate with a safe and innocent friendship that you are keeping from your partners.

kinnies · 04/02/2010 17:11

If my Dh did what you are doing, I would be so hurt.
I trust him and if he made me feel foolish for that I dont know if I could get over it.

Original poster

memorylane · 04/02/2010 17:14

I resent the cruel accusation, he is in the process of leaving his wife, started it before we started communicating. It has nothing to do with me whether I am talking to ExH or not, they will split. Is it foolish to talk to a friend on the phone? He is not asking to meet, he is not complimenting me, we are chatting just like I do my girlfriends. It is and never will go anywhere else. I do feel guilty but part of me also feels why should I not have this friendship.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 04/02/2010 17:15

Why are you in a relationship with someone you can't be honest with?

What's the point?

Original poster

memorylane · 04/02/2010 17:15

Why is talking to ExH making my DH foolish kinnies?

OP posts:

Original poster

memorylane · 04/02/2010 17:16

Do any of us REALLY know what goes on in our DHs lives. I am not justifiying my phone calls but neither is it impacting on my relationship with DH.

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 04/02/2010 17:23

So have you phoned his wife back then Memory Lane and asked her if they are really divorcing? Her version of events was rather different when she asked you to stop contacting her husband, wasn't it? And told her that you have reneged on your agreement to be in contact with her H?

And how would you feel if your H had a secret phone and was conducting a secret friendship with an ex who once hurt him very badly - and who he loved very much?

And is this man still setting you "tests" to see whether you are a "bunny boiler"?

nanafantastic · 04/02/2010 17:23

You'll obviously keep posting until you get a response you like

If you didn't think there was anything wrong with it you wouldn't need affirmation.

How would you feel if your DH was secretly calling his ex-W?

Wordweaver · 04/02/2010 17:31

With the greatest respect, memorylane, what you have said makes it sound as if you are deceiving no one as much as yourself.

Until you step back from this situation and see it clearly, you're only going to receive replies on mumsnet that you don't like.

Never mind your ex and his relationship with his wife - you can't know the facts of that. But you DO know the facts of your life and your relationship with your DH.

The facts seem to be that you are not completely satisfied and happy with your relationship, and you have a secret friendship that you daren't tell your DH about.

You say that you are not justifying your phone calls. You also say that it's not impacting on your relationship with your DH.

Based on the information you have given, I'm afraid it seems to me that both those statements are the absolute opposite of the truth.

Please take the advice of all the wise people on here who have advised you to stop all contact with your ex and focus on your relationship with your DH.

LaurieFairyCake · 04/02/2010 17:33

Yes it is impacting on your relationship with you husband as you are keeping a secret from him.

Why are you keeping a 'friendship' secret?

Original poster

memorylane · 04/02/2010 17:47

whenwillifeelnormal - his wife confirmed they were splitting up and him talking to me didn't help the situation, they are also dealing with a very sick relative and have a lot on their plate. To this end it could explain why ExH said him talking to me was a form of escapism (i can relate to that). I questioned him about the bunny boiler statement and 'test' - it was purely as I suspected, he was trying to ascertain where I was in my relationship and that I was not going to cause him any problems by wanting more than friendship from him. He has no desire to get into a new relationship with either me or anyone else whilst he is in the throws of divorcing his wife. He just wants out, he doesn't need any further complications that could hinder his divorce. I agree it is not good keeping this from my DH and the reason I have a secret sim is because I DO NOT WANT ExH to have my regular number, funnily enough for the same reason he 'tested' me.

OP posts:

Original poster

memorylane · 04/02/2010 17:49

Yes I am a little bored and have room in my life for this liason, nothing more. I do however treat it for what it is, a chat with a friend.

OP posts:

LaurieFairyCake · 04/02/2010 17:52

You are awash with contradictions - in the same sentence you call it a 'liaison' and a 'chat with a friend'.

A 'secret sim' - you have relationship problems perhaps even intimacy ones.

Original poster

memorylane · 04/02/2010 17:58

liason is obviously the wrong word then. It is a chat. I enjoy talking to my ExH who has matured immensly. We are catching up. There is no hidden agenda, There is no romance. There is no desire or waiting around with anticipation for calls. There is nothing in it. My sim is so that I do not have to give my regular number. That I think would be allowing him into my life which I am not doing now.

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 04/02/2010 18:22

Really? So you had a follow-up conversation with his wife after your last thread? You see, on that thread when I pointed out that it was more likely that he was actually just a bit bored and siezing a rare opportunity to be unfaithful, you told me that I was "spot on" and "wise" to see through such a hackneyed tale. I also said it was a coincidence of fantastical proportions that just at the point when you contacted him after all these years, he was "in the process of leaving his wife".

This same wife who despite the fact that she was meant to be getting divorced and accepting of the situation, found his secret correspondence to you and insisted that he phone you to end the contact, in her presence?

But now you are claiming that his wife confirmed his story? When was that, then?

Original poster

memorylane · 04/02/2010 21:12

I dont recall some of what you say wwifn but i spoke to his wife only once who confirmed they were splitting up. The timing of my contact with ExH was a matter of a couple of weeks after he told her he wanted out and she thought it was because of me. She thought it was because of me because she saw a couple of emails and so didn't believe his original reason for wanting out. She accepts this is what is happening to her but she is not happy about it. She fell pregnant years ago and trapped him. They have never been happy. She said she had put up with stuff from him for 30yrs and knows what it was like for me in the time I was married to him. There is no hidden agenda. But as time goes by I suppose in my heart I know I have to stop these phone calls sooner rather than later. I really had not considered the consequences of how this would have panned out when I originally made contact. I really just didnt think. I never imagined myself corresponding with him at all.

OP posts:

WhenwillIfeelnormal · 04/02/2010 21:49

This might jog your memory, Memory Lane.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk?topicid=relationships&threadid=894901-Emotional-Rollercoaster&pagingOff=1#18281 117

Please note that at no point did you state that his wife had confirmed that their marriage was over - in the original thread, all this information was coming from him - even the bit about his wife being suspicious that your friendship was the real cause of her marriage breakdown.

Lifegoeson · 04/02/2010 23:06

She trapped him?!? What - in some kind of contraceptiveless web?! Jesus, I NEVER tire of hearing that phrase, it's all the womans fault...

Did she tell you that she actively 'trapped' him? Where you there that night the baby was conceived? If he didn't want a baby he knew what to do!

I'm utterly agog at your lack of responsibility for this situation, you were married 30 odd years ago so I assume you to be in your fifties, I'm half your age and would never be so fricking stupid! You don't like the answers everybody is giving you, so just carry on your merry way, denying you're doing anything wrong, although I doubt your poor husband would see it that way.

GROW UP!!

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