My dps behaviour scares me!

[kaylasmum]

I have been with my dp for over 8 years now and we have a very rocky relationship. We have 2 children together aged 6 and 3, i have 3 other grown up children from a previous relationship. Over the years my dp has displayed lots of erratic behaviour and at one time was receiving anger management.

Last night he was dropping me off at work, we had our 2 los, my grandson and my 25 yo dd in the car. We have taken over the care of our dgs as my dd is ill, she has borderline personality disorder and due to her treatment of her ds he is on the child protection register. Anyway, as i was getting out of the car i heard my 6 yo dd say to her dad that she wanted her doughtnut for supper, which i had told her previously she could have, so i said to my dp that she could have it. He instantly got angry with me and said "ok, i'll give her it and give cake to the other two and let them run around daft until you get home and you can put them to bed" than he banged his hands on the steering wheel. I asked him why he was beeing like that and he drove off at speed with the car door open and me hanging on to it. He nearly dragged me off my feet and almost hit another car with the open door.
My 25 yo dd gor out of the car with her ds and refused to get back in. I knew then that i would'nt be able to go into work. I was worried about him driving home with the kids in the car so i went and got them out, they were terrified by his behaviour.

There has been a lot of this kind of behaviour, he's punched holes in doors, drives erratically if we have a disagreement in the car, threatens to throw things through windows, shouts, swears and is generally very unpleasant. I don't know what to do. The house we live in is his. His behaviour is so unpredictable.

i think you know the answer. you cannot change his behaviour - but you can change your reaction to it.

so far you stay and he gets away with it..now it is getting dangerous.

make an exit plan. speak to womeans aid or domestic violence unit and ask for advice on local support, housing etc.

speak to the social workers invovled in your grand child's care and ask them for advice and help. so long as you are trying to protect your children (and grandchild) they will support you . you ahve to be honest about how this man;s behaviour is impacting on you and the children

Omg, you and the children must have been terrified.

Agree with cestlavie, you cannot change his behaviour. He has already been for anger management and it hasnt helped.

His behaviour is escalating and I think you know you need to leave before he gets any worse. If not for you, then for your dcs and dgc.

Regarding an exit plan, you should pack a bag with change of clothes for you all together with any important documents (passport, birth certificate, bank details, etc) and ideally leave it with a friend or hidden so that he cant find it, so that if he does become violent, you can leave in a hurry.

Womens Aid can offer invaluable support and there is information on the Shelter website regarding housing.

thank you both for your replies, my dp has never physically hurt me but there is a lot of emotional abuse and also the violent outburst. After he had anger management he really did seem to improve but things have definately been deteriorating. After all the carry on last night i told him he'd have to see his gp as i think he needs help. I think there must be some reason for his behaviour. On the whole he is a kind and caring person who's willing to go out of his way to help people but this other side of him is horrible. He is slowly destroying any feelings i have for him.

I understand what your both saying about me moving out but i have nowhere to stay and i don't know if i could manage financially. Also he watches the kids while i'm at work. I mentioned that my dd has bpd and i find that my dp is very much like her in a lot of ways, its crossed my mind that maybe he has this too.

Well, you won't find out unless he begins the diagnostic process. What are the chances of that?

he has agreed to seeing his gp. he is going to call for an appointment tomorrow, if he does'nt do it i will have to make preparations to leave. I've done everything i can and i have to think of the kids.

Yep. Looks like a long & bumpy ride whatever happens - but you know about that, from your daughter's experience. Can you trust him to present a clear picture to the doc?

I'm glad he's willing to do something about it - but please still pack that bag just in case.

I really hope everything works out for you.

Well, his behaviour is pretty inexcusable. But, he has a point about giving the kids donuts for supper. Has he been complaining about this before?

Maybe you should discuss with social services, as your grandsons foster carer, it might after all be worth looking into a different placement for him.

quintessentiallywondering - he has mentioned a couple of times about them aving sweet things at suppertime but i was'nt really thinking when i said that my dd could have it. He could have simply said to me that he'd prefer her not to have it and i would have said ok, no problem. its his reaction thats worrying me.

It is good he is willing to seek help.

So anger management hasn't worked?

It's not really about anger management anyway, is it? Anger management is learning how to express rational feelings, rationally. That level of rage, on such a tiny trigger, is a symptom of something deeper.
OP, it might not be a mind disorder - it could be a symptom of a physical problem, like diabetes for example. I'm just worried that he might not give the doctor the whole picture ... he might not even know the whole picture, does he forget his rages when they're over?

I do wish you luck. I wouldn't want to deal with this myself

ILoveTIFFANY - the anger management did seem to work to begin with but its like he's forgotten all that he learned from it.

ItsGraceAgain - My dp phoned from work today to tell me that he's got an appointment with his gp this afternoon. I did offer to go with him but he's not keen on that. I told him that he really needs to tell the dr everything and not play it down. Whatever the problem is it needs to be addressed. I'm going to try to get some couple counseling sorted out for us. This is definately his last chance, i can't take anymore and neither can the kids.

well done K, I hope you hold him to his promise.

Just one tiny thing, consider possibly counselling only for yourself at this stage.

In situations where one partner is volatile, angry and abusive (yes, his reaction in the car was abuse), couples counselling is not appropriate because it has a tendency to make the victim partly responsible for the behaviour.

Be sure of one thing, even if he was irritated that you had allowed the children to have sweet things for dinner, it is not acceptable for him to do what he did, or indeed to punch the wall, or any of the other things he tends to do when angry.

Counselling just for you would help you to understand that you are not responsible for HIS behaviour and would support you through HIS attempt to solve HIS problems, and through the end of the relationship should it come to that.

Good luck. Your los must be terrified of him.

Have a chat to WOmen's Aid. Whether he's mentally ill or just an arsehole (oh, and here's an instant diagnostic tool - does he behave like this to other people, or just his family? If he does it anywhere and everywhere, it's some sort of psychological problem, if it's only you and the DC copping it, it;s because he's an arsehole.) you don not have to put up with it. HE can be made to leave the house and not return unless his behaviour gets under control, as it is the children's home and they have a right to live in it, with their main carer (you) free of the threat of violence.

How did you fit three adults and three children in a car?

A people carrier maybe

I hope so. There is method to my question. If it weren't a people carrier, then the OP is displaying a lack of self-regard and regard for her DD and LOs and DGS. Which would is explain why she puts up with this nonsense.

I get u sorry, that was a pmt post

no probs!

madameDefarge I don't quite get your text. And yes, we have a people carrier. What gives you the idea that i'm ignorant enough to try to get all of us in to a five seater.

And as far as showing little self-regard and no regard for my family, what utter rubbish! I have low self esteem but that has nothing to do with my intelligence!