Struggling with DH being at home all the time

[allaboutme]

Not sure if this is the right place to post this - apologies if not!

DH used to commute to the city every day for work. Left before 8am and was home about 8pm. I am SAHM with 4yo and almost 2yo.
In October DH got made redundant from his job and since then has been contracting for an old colleague at another company. He is working from home full time.
Its great that he has found some contract work so soon and we have worked out that at his contracting hourly rate, he can earn the same as his old job if he works 7 hours per day on average.
DH was excited about working from home - no commute, so more time with me and the boys, more flexible so I can go to Drs appts without the kids and he can make up the work another time, he can start and finish at flexible times etc.
Hasnt worked out so well though!
DH is happy with how things are, but I am not!!
He has never been great at self motivation. He finds it hard to get going in the mornings and only really gets into full steam working by late afternoon so often ends up working late.
This last week. He has gone down to his office about 10am on average and has finished and come upstairs about 9pm. He just manages to get 7 hours of work done in that time!
Its doing my head in tbh. He's under my feet in the mornings, making extra breakfast mess and I end up getting out and about later that I want to.
He's not there when the kids are being monsters and I am trying to cook etc as he is 'too busy working' but he pops up to make a cup of tea just as we are in the middle of something and distracts us.
I've tried suggesting set hours and all sorts of different ways to get him to focus but no luck.
He knows I've been getting wound up by it all so he is trying to help. He gets up with the kids in the mornings when I am tired and takes them downstairs to give me an extra hour in bed. I'm not enjoying it though as it always comes with comments later like 'I need to work more, started later today..' or 'havent doen enough work today'. He also will delay starting work to unload the dishwasher (having left a mess of breakfast things everywhere and pants on the bathroom floor, towels on the bed etc!) and he sometimes stops work at 6-7pm to bath the boys and put them to bed while I tidy up.
All sounds great and I sound like an ungrateful bitch! BUT I'd really rather he didnt do these things and started work at a normal time, worked 7 hours then had dinner with us and an evening with me!!
Have tried to say that, tried to not let him get up woth the kids and refuse the extra hour in bed, but he still works until late anyway, so I'm back to thinking 'whats the point, may as well have the lie in then if it doesnt change things'!
Clearly its my problem as he is happy, he sees more of the boys and he does see more of me, although its 5 mins here and there through the day rather than a nice evening together like we used to have!
Things are not going to change - there is no other jobs for him at the moment. He likes this work he is doing and will be doing it for a good year or so. I need to get happy with the way things are as they arent going to change, but I dont know how to!!
I used to have a good hour once the kids were in bed, to unwind and put dinner on before DH got home. Now I dont have that time alone and I cook earlier for the children as no point cooking later if DH is here. Thats more stressful in itself!
Sorry rambling here, just getting it out of my system!!
I am off to take DS1 to pre school now, so hopefully have some replies telling me how to sort my attitude out when I get back!

Right, back now.
Just to explain a little more clearly (hopefully!). DH is not a morning person and needs a bit of time to get going. If he didnt get up with the kids he'd not be working anyway. He would either be in bed or watching TV till he woke up enough to start work.
When he gets up with the boys at about 8am he will sit with them watching TV till I come down. No changing DS2s nappy, no getting them dressed or breakfast. Although I need the extra hours rest, I am annoyed by the not looking after the children properly at the same time.

I do everything in the house, all the cooking and cleaning and obvioulsy looking after the children. He thinks that he is helping sooo much by unloading the dishwasher twice a week, when it is so insignificant in the face of everything else and I wish he wouldnt do it if it is stopping him doing what he is supposed to be doing!!
It is starting to irritate me when so many people keep saying to me 'oh it must be so nice to have DH at home more now' and DH jumps in and says 'oh yes, its great DW gets a lie in most mornings and I bath the boys most nights, so much easier for her' when its not at all.
Theres more mess, more stress and apart from the boys bath time I never see DH as he is always in the office until I go to bed - then he plays online games after that!
In the last month we havent gone to bed together once. He is always working late and then playing games.

We had a chat a couple of weeks ago when I told him I was finding it hard and he explained how he finds it hard to get going on the work and needs a deadline to make him do it. As the day goes on, the fact that it is evening coming up spurs him on to actually work and get something achieved that day! He said that at 6pm when its tea and bath time he is often just getting into his stride and that maybe it would help him to get things done earlier if he only did the boys bath time a couple of days a week so he could carry on working the other days.
I said fine and now of course, the 'deadline' is just extended and he still works just as late but doesnt see the boys before bed on some days during the week!

Hi allaboutme,

I wrote all this before your second post, please ignore the bits that aren't relevant.

I work from home quite a lot and DP is a SAHD. Won't go through in great detail all the arguments evolution we have gone through but here are how we deal with it:

Fixed hours are the only way to go I'm afraid, however much he might fight it. Perhaps you could plan something to watch on TV or Sky Box Office, so it starts at a fixed time, but make it clear to him that you really really want to have your evenings together. Fitting his work to regular office hours is pretty vital tbh, you don't want him developing a porn/dirty den habit because he's sat on the computer for all hours. Playing computer games instead of coming to bed with you is not going to help him with "being bad in the mornings" and in the long term could become a problem for your sex life

You could also point out to him, if he's not being paid hourly, how low his hourly rate is if he works a 10-hour day rather than a 7-hour day.

If the work starts getting stressful he will find that being in a structured habit really helps because it's much easier to switch it off. When my work gets bad I think of logging on to the laptop as opening the portal to hell?.

Get an office-style flask (different to a travel one, not that it matters!). Get him to make a flask of tea and take it with him, so he isn't disrupting the kids when he pops down for a brew. (Mine holds 4 mugs worth!) My DD used to get upset if I went downstairs because she didn't want me to go back up. When she comes in from school I come down to see her, fill the flask, and go back up after 30 mins, and then she doesn't see me again till I finish at 6pm.

On a Friday, DP gets a lie in and I take DD to school and collect her, and work a bit extra to make up for it. It means he doesn't get stir crazy, and I get the chance to remember where the place actually is.

Losing an hour that you used to have to yourself is huge, and you should look at how to get it back ? perhaps in the evening you could start your evening an hour later than you used to, and take your pottering time while he finishes off? Give him an hour's notice to finish things off before your "couple evening" starts. Divide housework between you ? don't let him half-unload the dishwasher once a week and then get all pleased with himself for "doing his share".

I have no experience of being a SAHM but we have had to recognise that we each have fixed things to do ? his have fixed hours (get DD up, get her to school, collect her etc) and mine have more flexibility, but both are equally important. Your DH is treating the house a bit as though it's all his office and he can dip in and out regardless of what else is going on, which is not really fair on you when you have LOs at home.

Re the not getting the kids dressed in the morning, this needs doing and one of you has to do it. Explain to him that having a lie-in when nothing is done when you get downstairs is not relaxing and misses the point. I would set a routine so you get turns to lie in, and whoever gets up gets everyone dressed and does breakfast.

I know "you are lucky" is not a very helpful comment when you have a problem with something - but imagine if he was completely out of work. Sounds as though things have worked out really well for you both. You just need to make some adjustments to the household routine - and they include him adjusting to you, not just the great hunter-gatherer doing exactly what he wants when he wants it, while you buzz around fitting in with him.

Good luck

Thank you
I wasnt expecting a reply that was so nice to me AND so helpful!
You are spot on with everythinhg. It makes perfect sense. DH has been resistant to fixed hours. He says whats the point in having flexible working from home if he then has to work fixed hours? but I think the point is that flexible hours need to suit everyone, not just him! and so fixed hours are definitely worth a try. I will do my best to persuade him.
Will have another chat this weekend - we will be without children Fri evening, so could be a good time to sort things out!
Ground rules about getting the children sorted in the mornings and having evenings to oursleves at least some days a week need to be set as well.
Thank you very much. Was all a big rant in my head before but seems a bit clearer now!

You're welcome
Good luck with the discussions!

allaboutme, you could be describing my life, apart from your two little ones! Great post from AlarmBells, I can't really improve on the advice you've had but wanted to say You Are Not Alone!

DH and I both work from home. We live with my 81 year old mother. I am up at 7.00am every morning to get DS off to school. I work as a freelance researcher as well as doing ALL the housework and shopping, dealing with our household and company finances, loads of school stuff (DS has SN) and running around after my mum. DS and I go to bed around 10.30-11.00pm.

DH gets up around noon, then works through until 9.00-10.00pm. He is always too busy to help with preparing meals or supervising homework. He plays computer games or watches TV "to unwind" until 3.00-4.00am and more often than not crashes out in the spare room to avoid disturbing me - he snores very badly. If he unloads the dishwasher twice a week he wants a sodding medal.

The irony is - he is only contracted to work 20 hours per week at present. He has a couple of other ongoing projects but they are speculative or else in development and don't bring in any money yet.

We are very lucky that he gets paid a great hourly rate in theory, but when I calculate how many hours he says he's "working", he actually earns less than me.

I know what you mean. It IS great to have no commuting, choose your own hours etc. but I am SO PISSED OFF at being left with all the frigging doemstic responsibilites. I've applied to go to Uni full time next September and the shit will really hit the fan if I get in!

I know on the rare days that DH works from home my blood pressure rises on an hourly basis! Sorry, no help but I feel your pain.

Another fan of fixed hours. DP used to work into the evenings but it wound me up no end as i was juggling cooking tea and bath/bed. He has agreed to not work past 5pm, if he really has to then he has to wait till DS is in bed.

My dh is self employed and around a lot during the day and it can be helpful (ie. when you want to pop out somewhere without a child in tow) but on balance I prefer it when he is out at work!

I totally understand where you are coming from OP. My DH has been made redundant. He is currently on garden leave to find a new job. I am really shocked by how stressful I have found it to have him around all the time and how miserable it has made me. I feel like such a cow.

People also keep saying to me how lucky I am to have an extra pair of hands here. But (quite apart from feeling stressed about him getting another job) I have found it really hard and actually not that helpful. I also feel under scrutiny from him bizarrely!

Today has been a much better day, mostly because I chucked him out to the library to do his job hunting at 9.0am until 5.0pm and I just cracked on at home with the dds as normal. I got so much done and felt like my cheery self again! And the dds were happier,

Sorry not much constructive there except I understand where you are coming from and also I think having clear boundaries ie set hours of work and a set place of work (and not interputing you) will be helpful.

whelk, i know what you mean about feeling under scrutiny! When DH was at home after redundancy last year, he started getting a lot more "involved" in DS's care, which often consisted of stern and impractical interventions about how "we" ought to do this or that (but I was meant to): generally go to the GP for every sniffle and rash. It nearly drove me mad. I suppose we have reverse gender roles, in that DH is more "protective" and I am more laissez-faire - not only because I understand the dangers to me of perfectionism, but also because he needs to learn and it is more interesting to have a parent who is constantly offering him new things to try, read, taste and so on. I let him climb a ladder yesterday: he was very keen, and although he initially didn't realise he had to transfer his hand-holds higher, once I intervened a few times and repositioned his hands, he really got it for his next attempt. My hands were right underneath his bottom throughout, but I was very proud at how well he climbed.

This may sound irrelevant, but is essentially about being left to do your work in bringing up a child/children and managing a house. As for managing a house, I want to point out that the more people are at home, the messier it gets, so it is a very serious matter if DH/DP is suddenly at home, adding to housework and not helping!

OP, you describe my life - only my DH 'works from home' while I do domestic duties/children/wish I could go for coffee without his beady eye on me. Gah.

DP made redundant in dec and he is just getting some freelance now. Spends hours on the computer and has jiggled his cv about for weeks. Each meeting requires more hours on the computer. I feel really bad asking him to do some house work and also guilty if I get in from the school run and just want to have a cup of tea and a sit down.
Perversly I have also stopped doing stuff around the house and when he is off for the day in London I get my mojo back and speed through loads of stuff.
It's difficuly isn't it.

One of the worst things about redundancy this scrutiny thing eh?!

I really do try not to do the whole 'we've got to do it my way' because it is his home and kids too and I understand his confidence is low - but BOY is it hard. What does he think things have happened for the last 4 years while he has been out of the house from 7.0am until 6.30pm?

We have had a better few days since I have practically chucked him out of the house to the library to do his job hunting stuff!!

But its not a great reflection on us is it that its much easier and cheerier when he's not here! .

OP hope I haven't hijacked too much. Was thinking I should start a support thread re redundancy......