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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Pretending Everything's Fine

12 replies

MrsForgetful · 04/02/2010 09:53

How do you get up each day- when all you want to do is hibernate and wake up and find everthing is fine?

I got up at 7- the boys went to school at 8.30...I have not been out the house for 2 weeks- i just want to go back to bed.

I will be fine from 3.30 till 6 - i will 'be a good mum'.... and then DH will come home and i will be so full of hate for him that it affects how i treat my boys.

It will then lead to arguements- which i then feel guilty about

And DH will be sat there watching the football.

ASSUMING we do have a marriage that is JUST stuck in a rut....(rather than advice of how to leave him) PLEASE help me focus on being a GOOD MUM.... its not their fault...they have autism- which makes things a bit tricky- but its is still NOT their fault.

For MY self esteem...i would love to improve the atmosphere for THEM and ME... and when i feel i have the energy...face up to what future i have with my husband.

At the moment i have no energy.

(i have posted another thread with a bit more detail of what our problems are...but i wanted this to be just about the boys)

I read all the time of people sharing the marital home...but living separate lives...but i feel ok till i see him- and because all i want is for us to be ok again...as soon as he 'withdraws'...i get so hateful and angry.

OP posts:
HappyWoman · 04/02/2010 10:28

it sounds as if you have a lot on your plate - do you have any idea where your 'resentment' for you h comes from?

It does sound as if you have some depression - i know when i am near the edge as i find it all a bit of a chore.

ADs can help - but there are many things you can do if you are willing to accept it.

Good luck

MrsForgetful · 04/02/2010 12:10

he is a gambler.
i feel 'jealous' of the time he can spend in a bookies- rather than with us.
Then when the arguements happen he blames me as 'can i blame him not wanting to come home' etc...

I've had CBT and KNOW what i ought to think etc to dig myself out of the hole...but i just feel too overwhelmed.

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countingto10 · 04/02/2010 12:32

Mrsforgetful, get the Book "Co-Dependent No More" by Melodie Beattie. My DH was/is a gambler and we have 4DSs (2 of whom have ASD) and life was a pile of S**t for all concerned culminating in DH having an affair last year. That was the catalyst for us to confront everything. The one thing I did take from all the counselling etc was the only person I could control was me.

My resentment was unbelievable and justifible but you need to protect your finances as much as possible. My DH nearly took us to the brink and all power to him, he has turned things around now and recognises how his behaviour led up to everything. He had childhood issues and so did I but until your H recognises the problems himself the only thing you can do is change yourself.

Go to counselling together if he will go and get everything on the table and take it from there. He needs to address his need to gamble (my DH gambled as a form of self-destruction, escapism etc).

Good luck.

MrsForgetful · 04/02/2010 12:53

thanks for that...i looked on internet and found

this audio cd version

as i love listening to the radio...and find sitting down to read hard

I have ordered it ...and paid £10 for NEXT DAY DELIVERY!!!!

I read a preview of the book- and there's something called 'Jessicas Story'...which could easily be ME.

I plan to put it in my cd player by my side of the bed....and when he comes home...and the kids start on...and he doesn't help me...and i get resentful...I AM GOING TO WALK CALMLY UPSTAIRS...SHUT THE BEDROOM DOOR...LIE ON THE BED...AND LISTEN TO THE CD.

Another (could have been you????) mumsnetter suggested co-dependancy to me...I am very controlling...i do feel responsible for everything/everyone..and it is exhausting .

so thanks again.

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countingto10 · 04/02/2010 13:07

Mrsforgetful, I was so co-dependent it was scary, father was an agressive drunk who my mother should have left but didn't (I confronted her on that one - no way to model relationships to me and my siblings), I married a full blown, hiding bottles, alcoholic and then went and married a gambler for a second DH. To be fair to him the gambling only got out of control when everything else got very stressful with the DC and the business.

There more out of control he got, the more controlling I got (I am Monica from Friends !!! Even he laughed when I wouldn't let him help me wrap the christmas presents as he wouldn't do it properly - we compromised and he wrote the tags (can you see what I am like). Anyway I have begun to let go and he has taken control of the things he should take control of. I still have problems having fun though and allowing myself to just "be".

Good luck.

MrsForgetful · 04/02/2010 13:31

i am the same about wrapping christmas pressies.

and thanks for 2 other things - 1- that you have stated you are still together (i keep being told to leave him)

and 2- that you know about ASD...i don't need to explain then do i?!

I also found this on internet...its light- even funny...but will keep me going till my cd comes!

"Codependence is like a leech. It starts slowly, stealing every other one of your weekends, and continues to suck you dry until every single day is consumed by your codependent relationship. Perhaps you always end up in codependent relationships. Maybe it snuck up on you and it's your first time experiencing this crazed phenomenon. But living life in this way is draining. It's draining on your resources, your soul and well-being. Worst of all, you may end up losing many other aspects of your life, including those closest to you. It doesn't have to be this way... You can overcome your codependent relationships & gain normalcy back into your life. Here are some tips:

Start small: Stretch your wings little by little, get out there & see other people. This may shock you at first, as you've forgotten there are other people in this big wide universe. Start slow, maybe once a week, and work up to more time apart from your relationship. Spend an afternoon with your mum or sister instead of your significant other. Talk over lunch about parts of your life that have nothing to do with Codependent life. Work on those relationships with friends that you've been neglecting. If your partner has a problem with even your slightest movement away from him, your relationship has probably turned into an abusive situation. In that case, you'd better end the relationship ASAP.

Develop and work on your dreams: You've started to lose yourself in your relationship, so it's time to remember who you are again. Start by making a list of the things you want to accomplish in life, to remind yourself of where you want to go. You'll be reminded of how complex a person you are, much too geometrically abstract to only have one focus in your life. After so much codependence, it's important to get the balance back. Pick one area to focus on--work, hobbies, school, whatever you're itching to move further in. Once you start working on your dreams, you may realize how much you've lost by being in a codependent relationship.

Think long & hard about whether you're gaining anything in your relationship:After gaining some balance back in your life, it's time to evaluate your relationship. It's possible that your significant other is okay with you getting parts of your old life back again. However, it's more likely that Mrs. Codependence feels like you've abandoned her every time you go out to play a game of football with your previously neglected buddies. She senses you pulling away (or in normal people speak, having a LIFE) and she's flipping out like she's in a desert with no water. This should be your first clue that maybe this situation isn't so great for you. However, all things are possible. And perhaps you've sat down with Mrs. Codependence and had a serious talk about how you'd like to expand your weekly activities to include some that don't involve her. Maybe you've ended up in codependence by accident and you've both realized that seeing each other 24/7 and nobody else was a little crazy. Maybe there are also Moon People on Mars. Honestly, this scenario is not very likely, but it could happen. And if you're able to move forward in your current relationship while leaving your prior codependent ways behind, that's great for you! You may stop reading and have fun living a more normal, balanced life.
Seriously consider ending the relationship: Really, there is a chance that your relationship paddled straight into Codependent Island by accident because you got caught up in how great the relationship was. It's possible. But in most situations, codependence just gets worse the longer you let it go on. If you've chosen a codependent partner, that person is probably notorious for treating all their partners that way. And the best thing you can do for your partner is end the relationship and send him straight to therapy. If it's you who's codependent, send yourself straight to therapy instead. In healthy relationships, both parties have their own lives to tend to. They manage to balance each other, friends, work, family, and hobbies without many problems. You can find a relationship that's healthy, so in most cases, it's best to end your codependent relationship as soon as you realize how unhealthy it is. Which you're hopefully starting to realize right about...now."

i know its written as a man moaning about his wife's co-dependance...but reading it made me see that it is not just him...i feel even that way towards my boys...and can deffinitely see that my parents are the same...so like you said...what role models i grew up with...

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MrsForgetful · 04/02/2010 14:01

i looked on the CoDependants Annonymous website too...this is from that:

Patterns and Characteristics of Co-Dependence

We suggest that it might be helpful to think of the notations: always, usually, sometimes or never, as one evaluates each item on the checklist.

Denial Patterns:

  • I have difficulty identifying what I am feeling.
  • I minimize, alter or deny how I truly feel.
  • I perceive myself as completely unselfish and dedicated to the well being of others.

Low Self-Esteem Patterns:

  • I have difficulty making decisions.
  • I judge everything I think, say or do harshly, as never 'good enough'.
  • I am embarrassed to receive recognition and praise or gifts.
  • I do not ask others to meet my needs or desires.
  • I value others' approval of my thinking, feelings and behaviour over my own.
  • I do not perceive myself as a lovable or worthwhile person.

Compliance Patterns:

  • I compromise my own values and integrity to avoid rejection or others' anger.
  • I am very sensitive to how others are feeling and feel the same.
  • I am extremely loyal, remaining in harmful situations too long.
  • I value others' opinions and feelings more than my own and am afraid to express differing opinions and feelings of my own.
  • I put aside my own interests and hobbies in order to do what others want.
  • I accept sex when I want love.

Control Patterns:

  • I believe most other people are incapable of taking care of themselves.
  • I attempt to convince others of what they 'should' think and how they 'truly' feel.
  • I become resentful when others will not let me help them.
  • I freely offer others advice and directions without being asked.
  • I lavish gifts and favours on those I care about.
  • I use sex to gain approval and acceptance.
  • I have to be 'needed' in order to have a relationship with others.

Copyright © 1998 Co-Dependents Anonymous, Incorporated and its licensors ? All Rights Reserved

OP posts:
countingto10 · 04/02/2010 14:11

Mrsforgetful, we've had weeks of therapy following his affair. I learnt that everything has stemmed from our childhoods - we tend to meet and develop relationships with people of similar emotional backgrounds, tend to home in on eachother. My DH started gambling at the age of 7 when his father got him to look at the horses with him etc. His childhood was a lot more dysfunctional than that, that was just the tip of the iceberg ! His lying patterns started at the age of 5 etc.

We have both turned ourselves around now. He still struggles with the DC but they are hard work. I know if everything went wrong now I would survive without him, I would cope etc.

It's interesting this co-dependency thing.

ItsGraceAgain · 04/02/2010 14:33

I love what you're doing with your audio book

I do believe that doing something for you is just what the doctor ordered right now! Wrt the co-dependency thing: You seem to be stuck with 'managing' your entire household for the present, what with an addicted/withdrawn husband & 2 autistic kids. Assuming you want your DCs to get fed, dressed & educated, you have little choice but to create an orderly environment ...

However, I'd hazard a guess you're suffering from sensory deprivation. You sound quite lonely, bored and frustrated. All of which are to be expected under the circumstances! Would it be helpful to use your thread as a way to figure out some more socially/emotionally & creatively stimulating activities?

I don't know you so I don't know what would float your boat. But if you start, I'm more than happy to chip in

MrsForgetful · 06/02/2010 17:56

thankyou!!!!

You really inspired me!

You said "sensory deprivation. You sound quite lonely, bored and frustrated. All of which are to be expected under the circumstances! Would it be helpful to use your thread as a way to figure out some more socially/emotionally & creatively stimulating activities?"

it really got me thinking.

My CD came....I have played it in the car (taking my son to table tennis club today) and on my walkman (sat on the sofa last night- headphones in- whilst husband watched TV)

so here's some things that i have 'pondered' or DONE since my last post. (ALL 4 ME!)

THURSDAY p.m CALMED DOWN

THURSDAY evening: HAD A BATH AT 7pm - BEFORE EVERYONE ELSE- INSTEAD OF LAST- PUT ON CLEAN CLOTHES AND MAKEUP- AND WENT SHOPPING TO TESCO FEELING NICE INSTEAD OF SMELLING OF THE MEAL WE'D JUST ATE.(had a bonus effect...husband made a few remarks about who i was meeting/time i'd be back etc....not nastily....just not used to seeing me with makeup- and changing clothes 'just' to go shopping)

in tesco used CLUBCARD VOUCHERS that i had been saving for spending on 'the family' to BUY FOR ME :

-BUNCH OF HYACINTHS (HIGHLY SCENTED)

-(tongue in cheek- bought a book called "the secret life of husbands" for £1.50...appears to be about an obsessive housewife!!!)

-(to stop being the martyr/victim/neglected)- a new pair of shoes for everyday wear (i usually buy from charity
shops)

  • a pretty shirt & jeans (both on offer for £15 as a set)

Friday :DYED HAIR BACK TO MOUSEY BROWN (HAD BEEN BLONDE FOR 6 MONTHS TO MAKE HUSBAND HAPPY)
I FEEL 100% BETTER. ME AGAIN

PUT MAKEUP ON

THEN in bed that night... as always got in bed...carefully positioning myself hoping that
a)i wouldn't disturb H by stealing all the quilt
b)i wouldn't disturb H by snoring
c)i wouldn't TOUCH H by accident during the night
d)my pillow was not in the way of H's pillow
e)that i was not on 'his' half of the bed.....

BUT THEN..... I DELIBERATELY MOVED MY PILLOW WHERE I WANTED IT I MADE SURE I HAD ENOUGH QUILT I MADE SURE I HAD ONE LEG ON HIS SIDE

ok....some may wonder if i'm trying to provoke an arguement...but those who have read about co-dependancy will understand my reasons for all this!!!!

and finally....and this is the most WONDERFUL thing of all.... I have NOT felt resentful...or irratable...with either my H or my DC's....and i have had 2 great nights sleep...instead of only half sleeping for fear of disturbing him.

so...as a positive step...will start a Co-Dependancy No More thread...and look forward to hearing your ideas etc.

Thanks

(p.s husband and i went to B&Q today choosing wallpaper... not exciting...hardly romantic...but the key pont is we went TOGETHER)

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countingto10 · 06/02/2010 18:06

That is fantastic - it's hard at first but it gets easier. I went shopping with DH in the week, I still find it very hard to spend money on myself - it doesn't sit easy with me. But DH was insistent and I spent over £300 all on myself, shoes, clothes, make up etc. I still had a twinge of guilt but hey, we deserve it.

My therapist likened us to two ends of the control spectrum - DH totally out of control and me so controlled and controlling. The idea is that we meet in the middle somewhere. Anyway the more DH has taken control of his life and the things he should take control of, the more I have relinquished if that makes sense. I'm still trying to find something to do just for me and DH has suggested that I do something at the weekends because then he can deal with any problems with the DC (I seem to be forever looking after sick kids atm).

Hopefully your H will see you taking your own life back and will start taking control of his !!!!

MrsForgetful · 06/02/2010 18:21

the control thing is funny...as up to 5 years ago- H was always the one in control...he was a real rock.

then he was burnt in an accident at work- and was advised to clain for compensation. This process was more painful than the accident- and ended with him having a braekdown- admitting his depression and being diagnosed with PTSD.

then he ruptured his achilles tendon and was 'dependant' on me for 6 months. I LOVED LOOKING AFTER HIM... and i think thats where all this really kicked in

he then returned to work- and suddenly he didn't need me.

then his compenstation came through- and he had money to gamble.

then his dad died

1 month later his mum got cancer

6 months later she died.

SO...he became needy again...and was off work with depression for a few weeks...and agin...I LOVED IT.

I loved what you said about being at oppistite ends of the spectrum- and meeting somewhere in the middle...that sounds a great goal for us.

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