Abusive texts from brother, toxic old father in hospital

[elsiefergie]

Hi, just got another abusive text from my brother. I stopped contact with him, after the birth of my DD 4 years ago. At that time he sent me a string of abusive texts along the lines that I was "an evil bitch" and he hoped that my DD "would grow up to hate me"
He sent them because I as soon as I gave birth to my DD I realised that I would never let my father be any where near her.
My father was physically, emotionally and sexually abusive to me. Up until I had DD I kept contact to a mimimum. Moved 400 miles away, never went home for xmas etc. But kept up a veil of happy families for my mums sake.
Told my mum she could see my DD but not my father.
In the last 4 years, I've had severe PND, been on AD and thankfully got help and brillient counselling for 2 years. I'm now so much more open, chilled and confident than I've ever been. But I always seem to get dragged back to this "family" that I would have nothing to do with if it wasn't for my mum.
My mum has come to visit and we talk on the phone sometimes. I know she gets shit for coming to see us.
I spoke to her last week. My father was in hospital after breaking his hip. ( F is 85, M is 80 )She asked me to send him a card as it would make her life easier....at least she was honest......And now another abusive threatening text from my brother. This time as he's threatened before, "that if I show my face in their town and he gets me on my own..."

I don't know what to do, if anything. And feel guilty for not being there to help my mum. I feel like a shit DD. I knew this stuff would happen sooner or later due to parents age.
Is it possible to support my mum, without getting near my father and brother physically or emotionally. Has anyone else delt with this?

In terms of helping your Mum from a distance, what about contacting Social Services in their area and requesting an assessment to see what they could help with?

Do your brother and mother know the whole ins and outs of what happened with your father?

I'm so sorry. I haven't dealt with this situation before but my gut says send a brutally honest, short, to the point text back to your brother as to why you feel the way you do.

I might be inclined to send a card for your mum's sake and know in your heart you are doing it for her and not for him.

And of course, you are not a shit DD. As I'm sure your counsellor has told you, your mum and/or brother should have stepped in to see what was wrong ages ago as there must have been some signs that you were under stress. So enjoy your DD and your life and try to maintain the distance you have from them as it is obviously the best thing for you.

I would be showing the text ( and any others you have kept) to the police. They are threatening and I always thought that it was an offence to threaten someone, whatever the blood relationship.

What your brother has done is committed a criminal offence by sending you abusive text messages. I would report this to the police.

Why is your brother showing such animosity towards you?. Does he and your Mum know what happened within the family unit when you were growing up?. Or is it all hushed up and denied like in many such cases?.

Your Mum has also for her own reasons chosen to stay with her husband despite the abuse towards you (not just to say her) at his hands. He is not too old to be prosecuted for his crimes.

Personally speaking only I would walk away from them all. Easy to write and hard to do though and you still want a relationship with your Mum.

Do not feel any guilt whatsover. These people are toxic and you owe them nothing. Show the texts to the police but do not send any response at all. This type of behaviour only escalates when it receives a reaction - if you starve something of fuel then it can't survive, if you feed it it grows. You don't need to give any explanations, simply ignore whatever he says.

Was you mother complicit in your abuse, did she know that it was going on? If so, you owe her nothing either. She failed you as a mother and is presumably still living with your abuser. Do not do anything to 'make things easier for her' otherwise she will soon be passive-aggressively putting pressure on you to have other forms of contact with you father. Even if she knew nothing about the abuse she is trying to make you do something that you don't want to do and have every right not to do. Incidentally, how did your brother get your mobile number - was it from your mother? If so, why would she do that? Please don't let these abusive people back into your life, you have built yourself some happiness and life is short, make the most of it.

I agree with the above. I really do think you should contact the police or at least say you are going to do so.

I would also change your mobile phone number. It's inconvenient but it will stop the abusive texts. I wouldn't give that number to your mum unless you are completely confident that your brother won't bully her into giving it to him. Landlines are easier to ignore and not many people know that you can text many domestic phones.

Thanks for all your replies. Am too tired to write tonight. Will try tomorrow.

Elsiefergie, how are you today?