What happens if you go the WA route and move out?

[snowkitten]

i am in a dire sutuation - no physical violence but dh is an alcoholic (in denial), depressive, totally unliveable with. dd is traumatised by him though wants to love him. ds is only little so a lot of stuff evades him. I have to act but I want to know what happens. Injunction over safe house? I cannot take any more. he is a controlling, self pitying bully who cares for no one though he offers lip service to this iyswim. He rants, throws stuff, makes the children cry. he is, in short, a total nightmare and my lo's and i are stuck in too. he will not accept help, not accept he has a problem. It is horrendous and I have had enough. Your advice, experience welcome please

bump

Have no experience or advice to help you but hoping someone else will see this and be able to offer practical help.

Do you own/rent? What do you think his reaction would be if you asked him to leave? Are you frightened of him?

WA themselves would be the best people to ask, they will be able to advise you of options specific to your circumstance.

In my experience, if the option of refuge is taken or deemed necessary, OH's are not allowed to know the whereabouts of the refuge or make contact with you and your children for your safety. The offered refuge placement will generally be somewhere outside of your locality. This truly can be a much needed bolt hole and fresh start for some women and their DC's.

They also offer the option of links to support within the community. This is an initiative whereby it is acknowledged that women and their DC's should not have to lose their local support network and should not have to be uprooted in order to evade abusive ex's.
Via this route you would be offered a support worker who can guide you through how to seek various orders of protection, how to make your home secure/enable (relatively) swift movement to new accomodation, etc.

Please, ring them for a chat. Their intention is to support and empower women, not to judge or remove autonomy.

Your OH sounds like he's terrorising your children and is being unquestionably abusive

As someone who's stayed in a WA safe-house I can tell you that NO men are allowed to visit or contact the house. Not even your dad or your brother or your best friend from school. You will be asked to have them drop you off around the corner at the very least.

You will also be housed outside of your local area, this is because houses become "known" and whilst your partner might not know where it is - maybe his friend down the pub does... This is why your innocent dad/friend/brother can't be allowed to know where it is - it's just a security measure.

For a woman recovering from domestic abuse it can be very upsetting to have men around - we actually had one girl moved out of one of the safe-houses in my district because she'd got a new boyfriend who was staying over and it was not only against the rules but really upsetting one of the other girls.

I remember from your other thread that you have been considering phoning WA since December - have you spoken to them yet? I am sure they will tell you how it works in your area.

The first week you are out will be really hard work, if you want an injunction it will be a whirl of solicitors and court.
You will need to sort out benefits and it is a good idea to make an appointment with the housing options department at your local council because they will be able to either get you in a refuge or b&b and they will explain your long term housing needs with you.
Once that week is over with things begin to slot into place and it will get a bit easier.
If you get an injunction you will need to go back to court a week later.
If I was you I'd go and see a solicitor now for the free half hour you can have and they can advise you what is best for you in your situation.
I found WA rubbish (just my opinion though),
I couldn't get through for love nor money, even on constant redial, other than once at 2am in the morning.
I found ringing my local Refuge much better in giving me advice.

WA did all the benefit forms with me,they are good but i eventually left through army welfare,who have the money and resources to offer women a lovely hostel and lots and lots of help with every last detail

refuge and womens aid dont have as many resources,the hostel accomadation was shabby and basic,but it gets you out and gives you 'homeless' status,which is the ONLY way to get re-housed in the quickest way

so sorry about teh latest turns on the MH topic... you do need to up and run, and now before any more damage is done to your dcs...

is there anyone else you can go to eg your mother - with the children? if you can go stay there then will be no doubt more pleasant - and support for you. making it clear that he isnt to come there and you call police if he does. then you can start on court, injunctions etc....

i forgot - do you work?

in my case i was working so i rented another flat and moved out there.

if you have no one you can up and move to with the kids then yes you have little option but to go to WA and ask for help...

there may be other local DV support as well as WA - ask.

have you spoken to police domestic violence support unit too?

thinking of you good luck

ps might be worth going to GP with your daughter to tell what has been going on for additional support.

while no "violence" as such - what is happening is deeply damaging to your dd and ds (and you).

first step is to move out - settle in to new routine then address getting your home back thru legal route.

might be worth taking your daughter to GP and having her talk about what has happened so it is recorded.

it is going to be a long road, especially if he decides to fight on contact /house issues.but you have to make the first steps and get some space where you dont live in this hell any more. he wont - so you have to.

I haven't read all the posts but I think you should go and stay with a friend temporarily, start claiming for income support as a lone parent and get on the list for a council
house asap.

Maybe you moving out will help him come to his senses and get professional counseling and perhaps go on some form of anti depressant
to help him. Or maybe not, but I think your children need a stable, loving home, even if they're young they can pick up on things.

have r read your other thread www.mumsnet.com/Talk/feeling_depressed/877890-i-think-dh-is-having-a-nervous-breakdown-and-I? pg=12

you need to have a good "escape plan because you said he HAS a) been physically agressive and b) has threatened to make your life hell if you leave him...

two years ago i was stuck in this nightmare - he was doing the "i love you, you cant leave me/you are full of sh&T" routine telling me if i left i wouldnt be happy, that we could never be separated etc, etc... erratic behaviours (no alcohol just - well - whatever)

getting mentally ready to up and go was the crucial thing - and i think you are there now. you just need the practicalities -where ? friend or WA? family?
and what to take with you... pack some basics clothes documents etc.

then - from a safe place - speak to solicitor and start the ball roling to get your house back with him elsewhere, and have him seeking help as a requirement before he can see the kids.

just tell dcs he is sick - because he is.

if he wants to see them or them him - then only in a public place with a third party present, for the time being.

i hope you can find somehwere local to move so dcs can keep same school etc?

also you will need to tell school in case he turns up there

cestlavielife - hello again. he went to docs and is now on ad's. Dunno if the y will make a difference. he certainly won't stop drinking. He is now downing a glass of wine before his morning coffee . He doesn't know i know as I was so shocked that I couldn't believe it myself so kept a check over three days and am now 100% positive. It is shocking. Teh first tiem i noticed was the same day he was driving dd to school . He does hte "as long as you are with me I can cope with anything" type shit, but then he is a total wanker the next minute. It is sucb a mind fuck that I cannot cope - i swing from hatred to hope. How did you get out in the end?

earthstar -i have contacted WA. My brother is contacting a solicitor for me. I have support but this is HARD. Reall really hard. I don't know my ar** from my elbow right now. It is mind boggling

alcohol and anfii d's??

call WA and just go,worry about the ins and outs once you are there....itas the way i did it,with help,just got up and went

Oh well done for taking some steps with WA and a solicitor.

Your dh is probably over the limit in the mornings from the night before - please think twice about allowing him to drive the children, if anything happened you wouldn't forgive yourself.

I think you would feel better if you could clear your head with some time out - can you stay with anyone or go away for a few days?

so he is pulling some kind of emotional blackmail?

"He does hte "as long as you are with me I can cope with anything" type shit," - you KNOW it is is shit,

i think the man thing is lettng go of any responsibility you feel towards him.

you owe him nothnig.

he has scared you and your kids enough times, you dont have to justify leaving him any more. your mother, your brother support you. go to them. it is half term soon, your daughter can take some time off. get far far away for a couple of weeks...

you HAVE to take the kids away from him and today, dont wait any more. tell his GP if you like - that you are going - but that is the limit of your responsibility towards him.

citalopram isnt going to kick in overnight - if he is actually taking the tablets -

and when my ex started taking citalopram he got even more weird and agressive

and if he is still drinking (and getting mad because he doesnt want you to leave him) then this truly is a dangerous time...

knowing/realising that you are not repsonsible for him - only for you and the dcs - that is the mental leap you need to take, that is what helped me see what to do

dittany - of course i didn't let dd get in the car KNOWING he had had a drink. i saw the bottle adn cold glass after they had left! then i spent the rest of her journey ta,lking to her on the phone. I was sick to death with worry. I won't let her in the car with hin again

SK - there were times i let my ex take the kids in the car, he insisted on doing so, i know it is easier to say you wont let him than to do actually manage to do it when you still living together or when he still has unfettered access to the children......after one such my friend reported him driving and braking erratically, then when i saw the car the indicator switch had been taped up with sticky tape -dds said he had "broken it".

yes truly scary.

the only way you going to feel safe and your daughter safe is to get away, live apart and really set the boundaries for his contact with them ie no going in car with him until you can be sure he has been treated properly. he sounds v unstable.

i know you dont feel like you should run to a refuge - and why should you - he has money so get some of his money, utilise your family, friends - and take you and your kids off. then speak to solicitor about getting him out of the family home so you can move back in. (if that is what you want)

because, as you said - he wont move out. just as my ex would not - tho the day iw ent with my friends in two to say "i am taking my stuff and kids stuff and moving out" he did then offer to "this is crazy, i will move out" -- too late, mate.

you dont want your daughter to go thru this any more. it isnt about fatehr daughter lvoe any more it is is literally about safety.

there will be time later to rebuild father-children relationships (if he takes the right steps) - now is not the time to worry about that. or about how much she loves him or not.

dittany - i do not know. I suppose I could not believe it. I was shocked. I didn;t really think at all. Just panicked and prayed for her to get to sch ok. I didn;t give a shit if he crasehd after dropping her off. will hte alcohol negate the effects of the AD's? he is slpeeing hours on end. Not hta tI care, just want to know since you seem to hve smoe knowledge of it's effects
cestlavie - thank you for your words, hyou are right and I amnearly there