can't get over the affair

[daisymoomin]

Hi ,can anyone help me to decide what to do.
have been with DH for 19 years and have 4 children together. We have had a tempestous marriage over the years, mainly to do with his issues rather than mine, although I am not perfect (nearly)
The recent issue is that he had an affair last summer whilst we were living apart. it lasted a couple of months and he was quite besotted with OW, the signs were obvious.
He initially said he didn't want to be with me anymore and then became cold and distant. I acted like a pratt and was literally begging him to come back (didn't know about OW at this stage) I then moved into a permaneny property and asked him to move with me, he refused but still came round regularly and we were regularly having sex. he even moved in for a week, but still saw her, found this out later. He left again as he was obviously not putting in effort so I wanted him out.
When it transpired he was seeing someone else, I was heartbroken and was scared to let go of him completely. so didn't, I then became pregant and had to deal with turmoil of that aswell. anyway things have settled now and we have been in many discussions, we are happy together, she has gone, and we are focusing on repairing our marriage.
my problem is that I can't forget and every day I have images in my mind and don't feel like I have the whole story, only snippets of what happened. My self esteem is at rock bottom and I feel worthless.
I would like to find OW and get her story but have no information to go on, he won't tell me anything about her other than basic info, which could be lies.
I feel like I am going to explode with fury one day and I don't know if it is better just to end our marriage. its really difficult being pregnant aswell as I don't want to be alone with it all. he also says he didn't have sex with her, I find this hard to believe and I feel like I can't move on till I have the whole truth.

You need to move on and forget about it, focus your energy on working at your marriage and don't go over old ground. Its not worth it.

Well I could never get over my first husband's affair, and we split up six months later. I could forgive him (and we're very good friends now), but I just couldn't forget. So I do understand - what you're feeling is very normal. Good on you for perservering.

He owes you the details though. You can't process this without knowing the facts. If he is committed to getting past this then he has to tell you whatever you want to know - that would be a dealbreaker for me. You may not like what you hear, but in my case I couldn't have functioned without knowing.

It's not surprising at all that you're feeling the way you do. You have had no real honesty from him and there are too many unanswered questions. As a general observation, it doesn't sound like you communicate very well anyway and this is something you possibly need to work on so that you get the details you need. Bringing another baby into the mix is a difficult route to follow when there is this much uncertainty. I'd imagine your other children must also be feeling a bit frazzled with all the comings and goings, so you've got a lot on your plate.

There are a couple of positives here to focus on. You are happy together and focusing on your marriage. That's a really good sign. I am in the same position as you although my OH's affair went on for a lot longer. The way I saw it I had two choices - did I want to be with him or not. I do still want to be with him but am also struggling with the images in my mind. It does get better as time goes by but it is a long process. I know a lot about the OW and I'm not too sure if it helps or not. I feel that if you make the choice to stay together you need to move on although I do appreciate this is easier said than done. (It's possible that he doesn't see it as cheating because you were living apart at the time.)

I think it is important to know the truth because you can't rebuild on rocky foundations. However, the problem is that if you decide to carry on the men just want to brush it under the carpet and pretend it never happened - that's not so easy for us women to do. They don't understand the torment it causes.

Please believe me when I say it gets easier with time. You find yourself thinking about it less and less.

thanks for advice.
I think I do need to have a converation about it all. maybe I wasn't ready before and he definately does want to forget it now, but I agree not easy to do. I know he wouldn't be able to if the shoe was on the other foot. I am also worried that he will cheat again in the future and am scared of giving my all to be let down again. my dad was a womaniser and I don't really trust any men anymore.

It's absolutely understandable to be worried about him cheating again. I felt the same but as time is going on I don't think he'd dare! More seriously though, I don't think he'd want to. He saw the fall out from it and was horrified at the damage he caused. Not all men are womanisers, some are just weak fools.

It does sound to me that you have something worth working at - which is why I chose to stay with mine. I used to be very trusting and feel sad that I'm not now but things are pretty good despite that bit. I found the loss of respect for him harder than the loss of trust.

I dont know why people say "move on and forget about it" - I would say that is impossible. If you try to go down this route it will eat at you until you are a bitter and twisted woman (and I should know because I am one).

As difficult as it may be for the pair of you, you must get him to answer your questions. You need to get straight in your head what he did and when he did it.

As I am sure whenwilli will agree, the book Not Just Friends gives lots of tips on rebuilding trust etc.

One of the tips from the book that I remember well that may be good for you is for you to write down the questions you want your h to answer and then, at an agreed time, you sit down together and he answers maybe one or two of the questions. You can keep doing this until you feel he has answered all of your questions.

I think you need to make it clear that if he doesn't come clean your relationship will suffer.

Good Luck

Have you thought about counselling together - as a time when you can both air your views in a safe and non-judgmental environment? I t may help you both see properly how the other feels adn why they have acted in this way.
Good luck with whatever you decide to do

YesI agree stirling. Ive tried forgetting but all it makes me do is make snidy comments now and again which isn't good. He knows there is something up because he asked me last night if I was ok and I said we will go out next week and talk. the thing I need to mention is that this is not the first time he has cheated, he cheated with someone I knew 9 years ago and what really hurts is that I believed he wouldn't be capable again. the last year was tough as we couldn't live together. I was trying to get rehoused by council whilst living in hostel and told him he couldn't be there every night. so he obviously felt rejected but I thought our bond was strong enough to handle situation. I do take some responsibility for that, but the way he treate me when he was with her was vile and I struggle to respect him now. I didn't think he was capable of putting a stranger above his family but he did and now I know he could do it again. in the present he is doing all he can to prove his love and he is very attentive and helpful to me, even though he works long hours, if he was faking then surely he would not be able to keep it up for this long.
He tells me he loves me every day and calls me most days.
I am also suspicious about her ended affair, i'm not convinced he did and if she did then I wonder did he come back to me because of no other choice. sorry for waffling, this realy has damaged me I think and I just want to be the strong confident person I once was . can marriage really work after an affair or do we constantly have our husbands under suspicion?

That is what I mean

You have lots of unanswered questions and they wont just go away. And the issue of who finished the affair is important. I have an issue just like that.

It does sound like he is working at it but he will need to deal with the questions that you have.

In answer to your last question I think some people do make their marriages work after something like this but they both need to put alot of work in and there must be total transparency so that you know he has no secrets.

I dont think you can ever just forget you have to learn to live with the pain that was and probably still is real.

But you can do this together if that is what you both want. But i do think it means being totally honest with each other and if that means you need to know all the answers then he should be able to do that for you.

He will i am sure say he 'forgets' the details - well he would wouldnt he!! You must be strong though and insist he gives you what you need.

Hopefully then you can find a way to not be bitter but to understand this and have a 'code' for when you need to discuss it.

Couldn't agree more HappyWoman. You don't forget, not sure you can forgive but I maintain with a lot of lifes trials the best you can do is learn to live with it.

Today is the first day am feeling better about myself and am determinedhe won't make me think badly of myself. I have arranged a date with him next week and I will demand answers, probably all i'll get are vague lies but i will tell him that I am prepared to be a single parent if I find out the truth.
STIRLING you say you had similar, do you think it makes a big difference who finished it and would that make you rethink your decisions. I really would rather get it from her. some days are so good I think just forget it, the here and now is important and other days I think no I need to confront it again.
We both wanted counselling but cannot afford relate, so don't know where else to go. NHS waiting list is too long.
Does any one worry that their man may be thinking of her whilst your having sex with him. I hate that, I know you would never know but just hate the thought of it. should really dump the cheating bastard but for some reason love him too much

Daisymoomin, try this site www.beyondaffairs.com - I found it a life saver for me in the early days of discovery. FWIW, my DH wasn't completely truthful over his affair for a least six months after discovery and didn't want to talk about it at all. I did issue him a sort of ultimatum saying I didn't think I could continue in the marriage if he continued to refuse to discuss it.

We did about four months worth of Relate, thoroughly recommend it. Try and find the money or talk to them, they reduced our fees to £20 per session when we were having cashflow problems with the business. What price your marriage ?

Not Just Friends is good reading too. It is helping my DH understand why he did what he did. BTW, my DH told me whilst he was still with OW that he had to think of me when having sex with her

Daisy, I think how the affair ends is important. You dont want to think that they are still pining for each other.

The book "Not just friends" says that you need the closure of knowing that your h finished the affair for no other reason than to be with you. Not to be with the dc. To be with you.

Otherwise it is all a bit vague

Yes I definately do need to open this up again, I am finding myself becoming resentful and spiteful agsin which is no good for anyone.
What reasons did your Dh's gice for affairs. I don't want to get into the trap of thinking its my fault, when I know I contributed to it but not all men cheat do they, or do they?
Anyway thanks for advice. will keep you posted on outcome

Daisy - there is so much you don't know, by the sounds of it. If he's still claiming he didn't have sex with her, you haven't even got to the bottom of a tip in the iceberg. So you don't even know the bare facts, let along the reasons why it happened.

This is not about you or even your relationship. This is about him, especially as he has done this before, with a friend of yours on that occasion.

It's impossible to prevent infidelity again, repair a relationship or restore proper intimacy if one of you is still lying and withholding secrets. In particular, it is impossible to prevent infidelity on your H's part until he works on his character. Twice, he has chosen infidelity instead of dealing with any perceived problems in the marriage.

We could tell you the reasons our H's gave as reasons for their affairs, but it wouldn't tell you much about what were your husband's justifications. What ever he tells you might be a lie - to you, himself, or even a bit of both. However, if he tells you that it was for sexual excitement and an ego boost - it further questions his mantra that there was no sex.

We have talked in bits and pieces about it but it has usually been heated so not good for communication and honesty. he says that they went to hotal one night which I knew about at the time as had guessed. he says that nothing happened and has sworn on peoples lives. I hate that btw. he says they were going to and he changed his mind as didn't want to embark on a full on affair. I believe the affair wasn't about sex as the first one wasn't more about him feeding of others to feel better about himself. I believe he couldn't get it up as nerves kicked in, he did this with me years ago when we met and with first affair. so the fact that he couldn't didn't mean he wouldn't so no better in my eyes, but to get him to admitto that won't be easy. he insists she was up for it and got quite upset that he didn't/couldn't.
He is waiting for referal to psychiatrist as has many issues he needs to deal with and if he see's it through then I am happy to do all I can to make us work. I am also concerned that I may have revenge affair when unpregnant, not meaning I would set out to do it but that if I don't deal with resentments, could happen. I feel I have built a wall to prevent me giving him 100% because of fear he will hurt me again.