Can't go on like this anymore

[pinksmarties]

Hello,not very good at this and don't know all the abrieviations. (what does bump mean ?)

Anyway, I'm feeling SO utterly desperate i don't know what to do. My H left me exactly 2 years ago. We were together 27 years, since we were 19. We have 2 wonderful boys 18 and 15 and we married in 2005. It was totally out of the blue, he said he wanted to be selfish and "put himself first". Thing is he always had done anyway. Said he wasn't happy, didn't fancy me etc etc etc. He left, i didn't make much fuss as i knew it wouldn't help. I knew it was the end. I was totally and utterly distraught, had councelling, hypnotherepy, courses on self esteem, read self help books, re trained in another carear, (which is going well), had the love and support of my friends. Got through day by day, had my hair done etc to make myself feel better. Was doing ok ish even though he was the absolute love of my life.I always adored him more than anything else in the world. We grew up together, laughed together, i was so happy.

I have had clinical deppression all my life which the AD s keep under control and ive just increased them.

I know that men leave their wives every day and we just have to cope and i have been coping and my kids are fantastic and the house is actually much more relaxed without him in it and its always full of teanagers and noise and music and laughter.

My situation is complicated by the fact that he works for my parent's and runs their business. The long and the short is that i thought they'd get rid of him as he'd shown his true colours and has turned out to be a wolf in sheeps clothing and a total and utter fucking wanker but they said that work an familly are seperate and he's still there which is half a mile a way.

He now lives with his gf and we are in the middle of a horrendous and expensive divorce.

I no longer comunicate with my parents as i find it impossible and feel physically ill just thinking about them and their lack of loyalty to me.

I have no other family, my sister died of cancer 6 years ago and left us her daughter, thats another issue.

Anyway, what brings me here is that instead of time healing and all that, i find its getting worse and worse. I cry all the time, and just dont know what to do. Im just totally heartbroken, despite him being a selfish twunt (i love that word) he was the love of my life and i miss him so much.

I secretly used to feel anxious in case he died in a car crash or something because i loved him so much. Now i wish he had because it would have been so much better than this non stop torture, knowing he's with someone else and doesnt give me a second thought.

I feel like my past, present and future have all gone and the loneliness is setting in. A house full of kids makes me feel even more alone and i just cant cope anymore.

Ive had suicidal thoughts all my life and if it wasnt for the ADs i wouldnt be here anymore.

Im very lucky in so many ways, i still have my home, kids, job but without him its so meaningless. Sometime i hear a car door outside and for a second i think its him and then i remember that it never will be again.

Xmas, boody valentines day etc, all the times that used to be so lovely haved just turned into times to dread.

If you saw me you'd never believe i felt like this as i always put on a happy face and have a laugh while inside i'm dying.

Sorry, i know it all sounds very selfpittying and it is. I just want it to stop.

The sole responsibility for 3 teanagers, house, pets etc is overwhelming too sometimes. But i would give it all up and more (not the kids) just to feel indiferent about him instead of still greiving for a wanker who doesnt give a toss about me and has his wonderful new life.

I'm so glad i found mumsnet, some of the threads are heartbreaking, amazing and wonderful. And some of them are so funny that i sit here almost wetting myself with laughter while my kids give each other "mum's finally lost it" looks.

I So want to get over him, Anyone know how ?

Today was so bad i almost thought i should be in a hospital/ padded cell.

Sorry for all this crap.xx

What an awful, awful time of it you've had Pink S, I can feel your devastation and all I can say is that it will eventually get better.
My sister's exH left 7 years ago, after over 25 years and she often says it would have been so much easier if he had died, her sense of grief was overwhelming, like yours because you are in limbo, there is no end in sight for you just yet.
I really can't understand your parents' stance either, it must feel like total betrayal.
I have no real advice on how to proceed, someone who's actually been through it will be much more helpful and I'm sure someone will offer some positive advice soon.
Chin up.

so sorry - you sound so sad. Perhaps two years is a relatively short time maybe you are still grieving? go easy on yourself, and get as much support as you can.

Hopefully someone will be along who's been through the same.

Please take good care of yourself, you deserve it, ya know - you are doing a fantastic job after such a terrible trauma.

Btw (by the way!) bump means adding a message to bring the thread up to the top - so more people can see it!

that sounds so sad - all i can say it that stay with mumsnet as it really is great - i have made some great friends and even met up with some.

See it as a new life just for you that you dont have to share with him or anyone.

Hope things do improve for you soon.

Thanks all so much, sorry to be thick but what do i do to bump then ? Also i think i should change my heading as its not very interesting and might not get much attention. x

Hi Pink

I don't really have any practical advice for you, but there are many wonderful women on here who will so hang in there

Thinking of you x

I remember someone once saying you start to feel better the same number of months after you split up as the number of years you were together.

Daft I know but your story reminded me of it because you're not at the point just yet - but nearly (ie you need at least 27 months to pass, not a measly 24!)

Hang on in there

Roll on April then !

Thank you x

you bump the thread by adding to it.
this message will bump your thread to the top.

no wonder you feel this way, you have been left with the responsibilities and he has left to start again.
shame on your folks for not supporting you.

do you do stuff just for you?
i think you need to have some fun.
you will get over this, but have to go through the process.
this time 20 months ago i bet you would have posted something completely different.
youll get there.
only smarties have the answer

Another bumpity bump for pink smarties!

Read your post back to yourself and imagine it was somebody else's. What advice would you give them? To sit around pining after selfish twunt-features or get out there and find a bloke who has respect for other people and their feelings.

My dad treated my mum like s**t and she never ever got over it. Instead of fighting back and moving on with her life, she self-destructed. Unfortunately there was no happy ending to that story. But you can make your own happy ending. Ask yourself why do you want to be with a selfish knobhead? (another good word). You have your whole life ahead of you.

People will treat you badly if you let them. Get those feelings out in the open with the people who need to hear them - why have you let your selfish ex interfere in your family?? Have you asked them why they are putting k-head's feelings above their own daughter's? Have you told them that you are finding it hard to move on while he is still so present in your life because he works for them? Do they really not care, or are they used to you bottling it all up and pretending everything is OK when it's not?

Letting your entire life be defined by one relationship is blinding you to the billions of possibilities that are just waiting for you out there.

You have friends. Use them (in a nice way obviously). Go to the pub. Have house parties. Make plans to go on holiday. Get off MN and go make that list now!!

i agree with endangered, except the get off mumsnet part, its great to have a sounding board, and the wisdom of so many others at your fingertips.
what are your parents saying at present?

Yes, don't leave mumsnet! You may get short shrift if you stay in self pity mode (I did!!!!!) but the support and the fact people care enough to give you 'get up and do something' advice is invaluable.

I find it pretty hard to understand your parents, but can understand how shut out that make you feel. I also am filled with awe that somewhere in all this you are carving out a new career! That is amazing. What are you doing? What do your children think of you working? I bet you have a lot to be proud of...having a home that is filled with laughter when you feel crap inside, that is another fantastic achievement.

I am so sorry this has happened to you.

But please look at a HUGE positive. You no longer have this emotional vampire in your life. You are now free to be the person YOU want to be.

I think the best thing would be to get yourself back into some counselling, perhaps? Take up a new hobby, spring clean the house, chuck away any old memories by getting a skip and redecorating! Anything which makes you feel that this is a fresh start.

You parents betryal is hurtful, perhaps things will become easier over time, buit you must heal yourself first.

Unfortunately anyone can say they love you, but it doesn't also mean that they respect you.

Be grateful that your exh is now someone else's problem!

whoops, betrayal

Thank you so much everyone, its so amazing that you take the time to reply.

Yes ive told my parents countless times how i feel but they dont get it and dont want to get it because its inconvienient. They've always thought he was wonderful and even on my wedding day my mother was saying to people that "he's the best thing that's ever happened to this family".

They need him more than they need me even though they hardly see him anymore.

FFS, doorbell just went, gas man came in, ive got a gas leak and theyve turned it off so i have to phone an emergancy engenear (wish i could spell). I'll come back later. Thought it was getting cold in here. x

Don't worry about your spelling. Anyone who cares about that can sod off to pedants corner .

What a lot you have been through. Some of it I can relate to, but the bit that makes me really upset is what your parents have done to you, the people you trust the most in the world to look out for you and they do that??? I hope you have now cut off all contact with them - it's not good for you.

I don't really have any words of advice. I was OK after a short while, went out with lots of other blokes and had a lot of fun , I subscribed to the theory that the best way to get over one man was to get under another - and it worked - but only temporarily.

It is shit.

(Hope your gas leak is fixed quickly!!)

You said: If you saw me you'd never believe i felt like this as i always put on a happy face and have a laugh while inside i'm dying.

For other reasons this is me down to the ground. I just wanted to tell you that lots of other people who are smiling and laughing on the outside are suffering inside and thinking it would be easier just to curl up and die. I am in a relationship with someone who doesn't love me any more but we enjoy being with each other and I love him completely. I gave up everything for him and can't pull myself away from him. Others keep telling me that I look happier than I have done for a long time, that I'm always smiling etc. If only they knew! I cope by being proud of what I achieve. I have a good job, I support my children, I am kind and charitable and help others out. I cope with the rest of it, partly by not thinking about everthing at once. In time I might be able to move on from him. I have thought about internet dating. who knows? I have the advantage of being a natural optimist and am not prone to depression. What I am feeling now is desperate but I will come out of it.

PinkSmarties... I am so sorry too.

However you've made first step by putting this all down on paper ( as it were) and being honest.

I know exactly how you feel waiting for the car in the drive, I did that for FAR too long too after my DD's dad left.

please please don't make the same mistake as me and dwell and long and yearn. Just do anything at all to move forward.

Think of all the things you'd love to do and do them. Go on dates again, get a hair cut and congratulate yourself for being a great mum ( you sound like one just from your message)

You will find love again.

Wow! You're bringing up three teenagers, one of whom is not yours!
You've had a hell of a time with your Ex, who sounds like he was a twat when he was around anyway.
Your parents are completely unsupportive, and you have suffered depression.

I think, with all that, you're doing well to even be able to pretend to smile!!!

"my kids are fantastic and the house is actually much more relaxed without him in it and its always full of teanagers and noise and music and laughter."

Please, read this back to yourself. Remind yourself every day what makes you happy, what is important.

I would recommend you get professional counselling, as you do seem to be struggling with the grieving process.

And I second all the advice on here...get support from friends, mumsnet...and get angry with your twat of an ex husband.

You're doing really well, don't doubt that for a second.

Thank you all SO SO SO much.All your kind words have made me feel so warm (like the ready breck kid)which is good because I'm freezing my bollocks off waiting for the gas man. Hope he's nice looking, need a bit of eye candy today. Going to sainsburys quickly for biscuits for the eye candy gas man. I know he'll be a total minger but long as he gets this heating back on.................