Can anyone tell me what's going on here?

[livingthehighlife]

Hi all (please bear with me, this may be a long one).

I have been on and off for a while with my son's father. all in all we've been together 6 years. typically we argue and fal out a lot, mostly over me feeling he doesn't contribute enough to the household, or emotionally to the relationship. childcare is primarily my responsibility and i have to take on role of cleaner, cook, bill payer, shopper etc etc.

So last month i asked him to move out because i believed i'd had enuf and didn't want to continue. As much as i feel for him, i'd tried my best with communication, relate, family holiday etc.

There was no communication, no cohesion, no sex and no friendship, so i thought it was better for all concerned if we go our separate ways. He accepted it pretty well and we agreed to stay friends as much as possible.

Then last weekend our son (18mo) fell down the stairs at my dads and broke his collar bone. It was awful, the poor wee mite was in so much pain and it took 2 trips to the hospital before they would xray him. In the end, my ex spent the weekend sleepin on my sofa so he could be here to help me, as i'm suffereing from a really bad chest infection myself.

With him being here, it was like old times, happy times. It made me realise that i still love him, still want him. There were even a few sexually charged moments in which i thought we were going to fall into bed together, but i didn't want him to think i would his shag buddy (maybe just paranoia on my part?)

So now everything is all up in the air. I don't know whether i'm coming or going and my head is fried thinking about it all. I wish i could put some perspective on whats going on. He keeps calling me, asking me if i'm ok. He hugs me when he's here, makes tea, brings in choc bikkies, even brought me out for a fry up on sat morning. I know the best option is to talk to HIM about it, but i'm scared....

well, it just sounds like another spin on the merry-go-round to me...

is he only present for the good times...or the dramatic times ?

what has changed if you get back together ?

your son's collar bone will heal, mundane life will kick back in and he will still be a loser

could you date for a while?
just do weekends?
perhaps try and implement new 'rules' when hes spending time at yours?
eg, you cook, he clean
you do bath, he does bed/story
take it in turns to lie in

What AF says is true, nothing has changed, so if you do jump back in, things will be the same.

FWIW, im in a very similar situation, and have made up my mind to live alone.

I'm pretty sure i don't want us to live together right now. But i can't deny my feelings for him.

MLB, what you're suggesting sounds pretty reasonable and a possibility.
AF thank you for your grounding advice, i hope i dont get carried away in thinking much has changed.

it could be that you get on better apart than you do together.

XH & I can be very similar to you guys are. and in the early days of our split had the same thoughts you are having now. now, XH walks into my house the back door while i'm in the bath etc etc or getting dressed, it doesn't worry me, I don't walk about semi clad and he doens't come in - btu the comfortable thing is there.

a hard thing for you to ask yourself, is a) is it because it's habit and familiar. a) lot of it in the early days with XH was that, now it's just because we're good friends and there's nothing in it at all - mostly like a gay friend coming over lol) and b) do you want to go back to how things were potentially. if he doens't change - (althou our circs re the split were different) I knew and still do know when people say about reconciliation that XH will NEVER change, we are better as friends than as a couple. and tbh it's been a long road to acceptance but to understand the concept that you can Love someone really deep down as your childs father, as your right arm and best friend but not be IN love with them as a man is two very different things iycwim.

that clarity won't come over night and only you know what is right for you.

if YOU chose to try again with things, do as others have said - date again, be romanced, etc etc live apart for 6 months or so and see how things progress. then again you may find in 6 months time you're a different person to the one you are now.

(rambling a bit here - don't dismiss it out of hand, but like wise thing what's best for you deep down iycwim) - maybe some individual counselling?

Personally, I wouldn't trust my feelings at such an emotionally charged time, which it must have been with your poor boy hurt.

After 6 years of being with this man you must have had a good measure of him, and you wouldn't have asked him to leave without good reason.

I do worry that its because its familiar. i also worry that i'm considering this because i'm struggling financially and didn't whenever he lived here. all not reasons to take him back (unfair to us both).

I am attending counselling, but everything so far has been geared around me moving on...my counseller will think i'm nuts when i go back next week and tell her what's happened.

Oh my head is pickled. i think i need to go to bed and forget about it for the evening.

Agree with southbelle - I think what puts the kyebosh on most relationships is because we live together, and it all gets mundane and patterns get set that make us disatisfied.

Remember the days before you lived together - how you looked forward to seeing each other and enjoyed each other's company - that all stops after a while of living together.

My partner couldn't find a job in our home area and went to work in London and we lived apart for 17 years, coming together at wekends and holidays (he only worked in term time) and it was the best 17 years of my life. I felt I had the best of both worlds.

It doesn't have to be all or nothing - give it a go - continue to live apart and stay friends and continue having contact, which will be great for your child and you two might find you like it too. Thing is though it will probably be so good that you will decide to live together again and the old disatisfactions will probably start up again.

Just read your last post. Your counsellor won't "think you're nuts" when you tell her what's happening - if she does, she's a lousy counselor and you need to get a new one!

You don't owe anything to your counsellor - she is merely managing the therapeutic process and you take to therapy whatever is relvant for you -there are no rights and wrongs about feelings. The important thing is for you to feel what you feel and you could use therapy to explore those feelings at a bit deeper level, but it is your feelings that are important not what the counsellor might think about you.

Take your time and use the counselling to explore your feelings about your partner.