I need advice on how to deal with my mother - LONG SORRY

[aSilverLining]

Urgh I don't know where to start.

Background (feel embarassed putting this but it wil help build a picture):

I was sexually abused as a child by my dad, my sister was physically abused also, at 18 it came out he was abusing my halfsister so I came forward too and also pressed charges. I would not discuss it with mum but she told my sister she had always had her suspicions - wtf!?!

Throughout childhood and in adulthood my mum has been a drain, she is very childlike and has a wierd relationship with her mum who she moans that she sees too much of but also depends on (and vice versa). We were as children weighed down by her, she told us all her adult problems, spoke to us as I would a close adult friend, very emotionally draining, also once told me while I was a child that her own dad had abused her but that she didn't tell anyone (and no, it was not said in a reassuring - you could tell me about things way).
Once I moved out age 17 I had little contact on my own terms which worked ok but still was not ideal - would be stressed, angry, and down before and after visiting.

Everytime I see her she brings up my dad in some way - you can be talking about the most random things and she will find a way to bring him into conversation. She even did this on bloody christmas day at my house.

She will also moan about her weight, her job, a person at work she is fixated on hating, how skint she is, how lonely she is, how she is gutted she does not see youngest of my sisters, how her mum is suffocating her, jobs she needs to do on house, and on and on and on. I got rid of my house phone while I lived with ex purely because she called me too often and for too long. She took up emailing me instead.

In the past she has had a phantom pregnancy and kitted out box room with cot and changing table, etc but refused to do a pg test. My sister at this time seriously considered calling her GP.

She hoards toys given by my cousin for mine and my sisters dcs, keeping them all at her house - at one point she had more toys in the house than I did and I was a childminder at the time!

She has scabs and now scars all up her legs where she has picked away at her skin.

She was on a high dose of ADs but has been cutting them down with help from GP, god knows why as I see no improvement.

She also puts doubts on things - here are some examples:

• told her I was going out with a friend at the weekend "ooh be careful you don't get your drink spiked" (I have had this happen to me in the past and it was terrifying - she knows this)
• told her I wasn't feeling well with a cold and had woken up all shivering "you might have an infection from your op {vaginal repair}, are you sure it's not that" Err no mum don't think that would cause sinus congestion!

She is negative and manipulative at every turn.

I am struggling right now as she has helped me practically since I moved in November (with decorating), and I had an operation two weeks ago, and she came here for a week to help me out with ds while I was in, and also after I got home from hospital. It has now become clear she expects my company more often in return and the idea fills me with dread.

She says she doens't want to see her mum so much but then asks me if I want to go to hers for tea at the weekend as well as her coming here one night mid week for tea. Sigh. She does not seem to see the irony.

I don't know what to do and would appreciate any thoughts or tips on handling the situation PLEASE.

Good grief ? sorry to hear what appalling experiences you?ve had. I can?t offer much in the way of help or advice I?m afraid because I honestly don?t know what you could or should do.

With the greatest of respect, your Mum sounds incredibly unstable and I?d be tempted to give some thought to contacting her GP as your sister previously considered.

If you don?t mind me asking, is your Dad still around?

Thanks for replying spannerweb.

My mum and dad divorced when I was 7 and we went to his on a weekend, he eventually remarried and adopted his step daughter whose bological dad is Kurdish. I cut contact with him in my early teens for a short time. Then when everything came out age 17 I cut all ties - that was 11 years ago.

I wish I hadn't had to rely on her lately but it was her or ex - the lesser of two evils.

Sorry I mean age 18 in last post

I can only presume her negative, immature and blinkered approach to everything stems from her own abuse as a child. That she had suspicions about you and your sisters but didn?t accept or even acknowledge it speaks volumes really. The same goes for her burdening you with her emotional difficulties when you were still a child. It?s to your credit that you still maintain a relationship with her at all to be quite honest.

Your comment about her having scabs and scars from picking at her skin ? as well as the other comments regarding her phantom pregnancy and over exaggerated fears about your health, certainly give the impression she is not a well woman at all.

Does she have any insight into how she presents in terms of behaviour?

Sounds like my mother - emotionally draining. My mother tends to make other peoples problems hers, so when my brother had a huge nervous breakdown and contemplated suicide, she managed to somehow convince people that this was a tragedy for her.

She's always been depressed throughout my childhood, although she's never really had anything to be depressed about. Very negative too, just like yours. Unable to see irony, hints like that are no good, you have to tell her what's on your mind. People like that are simply unable to see the fault in themselves.

I also fear my sister is turning out the same way. She emotionally put on her children from day 1, confided in them all her problems - some of them really quite adult problems. Her kids are now out of control, very rebellious and expect to be treated like adults at all times.

Things with my mum came to a head when I realised that she would manipulate any situation to her own advantage. I'd seen her do it with the others but I'd always excused her, I guess I just think of her as a bit mentally ill. But my stepfather was touching my niece and her friend whilst on holiday in a very inappropriate way. I said something and all of a sudden my mum became the victim and I was ostracised by most of my family, had abusive phone calls from her and others who had listened to what she had been saying.

I then realised there was no hope for her and I didn't want her in my life. She would make the brightest of days dull - why would you want that? I still speak to her, civilly. It's taken me a long time but I am able now to speak my mind to her and stay calm and reasonable. She used to cry on the phone and pretend to have a heart attack if ever I brought up some home truths. Now I ignore that so she no longer tries it on. In fact she now avoids me and when she does talk to me she's all nicey nicey because she's become a little scared of me and what I might say. I make her feel uncomfortable. I'm happy with that. It's taken a long time and I know she's still hurting other people, I can't help with that but I can protect my family from her destructive influence.

I would advise you to do the same. She would only do favours for you if she gained from it too, which she clearly does here. You have children of your own now, she was never there for you, she failed to protect you and you should ensure that you protect your kids from her. Negative people like that have a habit of dragging everyone else down with them. They are constantly the victim and will make you feel bad for even saying no once in a while. Don't let her have so much control over you.

Say how nice it was that she helped you out, get her a box of chocs and a bottle of wine and then tell her how busy you are. Set a date if you must when you can come round, but make sure that it's on your terms and NOT hers.

YOu will need strength to change the relationship you currently have with your mother, but hopefully being a mother yourself will give you that strength. Confide in your partner too so he can support you.

I don't think she does no. She will go on and on moaning about something her mum or this woman at work does, and she will display the exact same behaviour!

Her childhood abuse was a one off incident but yes generally I don't think she had a good childhood.

But neither did I - and I'll be damned if I let it stop me being a good mum.

She also asks me to sleep over too - and has asked her friend to also and doesn't seem to see that this is A not necessary, and B not something I (and I am guessing friend) would want to do. So I also know that going for the afternoon won't satisfy her, she will then up her game and be wanting me to stay!

I have to cut you loose for the time being (have just been called into work) but wanted to leave you some links to websites that may be helpful.

www.mind.org.uk
www.mentalhealth.org.uk
www.rethink.org

You can speak with any of the advisors in total confidence and hopefully, they?ll help and point you in the right direction.

Catch up with you later ? take care for now.

Thank you rhubarb I x posted with you there, they do sound very similar yes.

Funny you should mention everything being her personal tragedy, recently I left my ex (didn't tell my mum til I had moved and asked her for no emotional or financial support), and my sister has had a premie baby in NICU - this has been such an ordeal for my mum apparently she has been so stressed and upset, losing sleep, crying at work, etc. Making out she is running around after us to great personal cost.

I like the idea of kind of drawing a line under her 'help' by thanking her and then being busy for a while. I feel like an animal caught in a trap.

Look, who are your responsibilities to right now? Your mother brought you up, not very well but she brought you up. Now you have your own partner and a child - they MUST come first. Your mother has done her job and now she must leave you in peace to raise your family. You don't owe her anything.

In fact she's very very lucky that she has you at all because I bet if you asked around on Mumsnet, 99% of them would not speak a word to their mothers if they had been treated like you have. So the very fact that you are still there for her is more than she deserves.

But you HAVE to remember your responsibilities to your family. You are not there at her every whim and call, your family need you more than she does. The only way you can put your childhood behind you and get on with your life is by putting her in a place you are comfortable with.

Get in there first - call her and let her know when you can call over and how long you can stay for. Don't be blackmailed into doing anything you don't want to do. If you broach the subject first then you'll catch her offguard and you are more likely to get your way, don't wait for her to ask as she'll have it all planned out.

I'm sorry but in life we make choices. You had a worse childhood than she did and yet you've chosen to be a good mum and wife and to get on with your life. She has chosen to play the victim card for as long as she can. This self-harm (the picking of her legs) is a cry for help, but she'll carry on crying for help because she's chosen that pattern of behaviour. Nothing you do for her will ever be enough and she'll simply wear you out.

She has chosen her life and you have chosen yours. Stick with your choice or believe me, you will regret it.

What would make you feel worse - letting down your mum or letting down your own family?

She sounds hugely needy and clearly has big issues of her own. You must be a pretty strong person (I admire you for pressing charges), so maybe she doesn't realize what a strain she is on you. I think you can't be expected to deal with all of this, she really needs medical help or counseling.

It's all credit to you for even staying in touch with her, but you have to think about yourself and your own family now (like Rhubarb says).

She sounds like she suffers from mental health problems. So not really a choice for her to be 'badly behaved' but that she actually has some health issues.

That said, you are her daughter - you are not a doctor. If your mother had a brain tumour you would not think for a second about operating on her yourself? Making her better. No! You would refer her to specialists. It must be so hard to disengage emotionally as she is your mother - but listening or understanding will not relieve her symptoms - she will just drag you into her own mental confusion.

Now the question is -what to you do? Do not go there emotionally with her. Change the subject - change the terms of your contact - learn to say 'I do not want to talk about this.' "I am not discussing this with you' walk out of the room and ignore her.

She probably needs to revisit her GP and be reassessed. If she does not agree - then you may need to step back.

My brother suffers from mental health issues - the dynamic is different because my mum helps him. However, there are many times when I have simply not been able to speak to him as my own emotional upset created by what he said and did was just too high. I have found a place where his illness does not affect me.

You are entitled to have a life, you should not carry the guilt for the way your mother behaves reacts - there is nothing you or your sisters can do to make her happy. The unhappiness is a system of her own health issues.

You sound like an insightful and strong woman who has obviously managed a great deal in your life.

You must fight for your own happiness and give yourself a chance to be happy. If that means cutting down contact so be it.

Thank you all for replying and being so supportive, it really helps to feel I am not being totally unreasonable and selfish to put some space between us.

I am a single parent to DS (left ex in November) and this too seems to have encouraged her to want more from me, thinly disguised as concern (she is very obviously way too self involved to be deeply concerned about anyone else).

My mum has been on and off ADs as long as I can remember, but has always refused counselling.

Since leaving home I have done fairly well to do things on my terms, not ideal but better than on hers, however recently I can feel her pushing again to get back in, take over, want too much from me, etc.

Not sure I can really do much in terms of her health, I am recoverng from an OP and DS is autistic and I am currently pushing to get him statemented - I have enough on my plate without micromanaging a grown woman who as Rhubarb correctly points out, enjoys playing the victim card. She does not want to make any changes, she enjoys moaning and drama and wants attention and sympathy not suggesions on changing things. I am very practical and pro-active (shocking huh! have kind of had to be) and find this maddening.

Will check out the links now thanks spanner, and again thanks to everyone who has replied.