Sorry another MIL grrrrr thread....

[spiralqueen]

...and it's quite long My MIL is a very dominant personality, very much the centre of her family universe. She works very hard for her family and is generous with material things to a fault. She can be quite sharp and will tend to do and say things without taking anyone else's feelings or situation into account.

When DD was born she was very keen to help out and be involved and given how many people complain about the lack of interest MILs can show, and the combination of DD being my first and her first GC I was quite laid back about it to begin with.

However this has really come back to bite me as now I find that as soon as we see her, she automatically takes over looking after DD and relegates DH and myself to walk on parts. The benevolent part of me credits her with trying to give me a break but the more paranoid part feels that she is constantly implying that I'm a cr*p parent.

As examples: if we go anywhere despite knowing that I will have packed everything required into a change bag, she will rush to pull bib, spoon, wipes etc out of a bag first whilst either insisting DD sits next to her or instructing another member of the family to do so. Recently she was kindly babysitting for the day but took it upon herself to try and potty train DD in a day. We weren't consulted (probably because we had said a while ago that we weren't going to attempt to do it ourselves until after our forthcoming house move)and it did turn out to be something of a failure, but other than detailing all the day's accidents nothing else was said. She also wants to be the first to do things with DD without any thought that actually we might like to be the first to take her to the zoo or Santa or whatever.

DH just accepts that's the way his mother is and doesn't let it get to him as much as it does me, but I think it's something that's more of an issue to women. I can't help but feel it's gone beyond the point of getting her to back off a bit. I think my salvation may come when my SIL starts a family - I have even mulled over trying to hide her contraceptives .

OK rant over. And breathe.

My MIL used to do similar things and I?d very calmly and silently but blatantly ?undo? whatever she?d done.

For example, we got there one afternoon for a quick visit and whilst I?d nipped upstairs to the loo, she?d changed his clothes!! ?I thought he looked a bit cool in that HEAVY DUTY FLEECE JUMPER? so I thought I?d change it?

I didn?t create or argue it, just changed him back into what he was wearing whilst discussing the weather.

Poor you. Having the first GC can be quite intense if your MIL is lacking the sensitivity to know when enough is enough with the helping out.
I think she sounds over enthusiastic rather than deliberately undermining though.
at your DD weeing all over her house.... that'll learn 'er!
With regards to doing things first with DD just tell her "Oh but DH & I had planned to take DD to the zoo but the circus ( or whatever ) is here next month, would you like to take her to see that?" You never know it might mollify her.

Like your style Spannerweb

I would have a word with her quietly after the next time she pulls stuff out of a bag and say that you find her a bit overbearing and you're sure she means well but could she please leave the mothering to you as her taking over is annoying you and there is no point 2 of you packing stuff in a bag and you are the parent.
re potty training just tell her that you will tell her when you and DH have decided to potty train and ask her to leave parenting decisions to you.
I must admit when we were out if anyone else was keen to feed my kids so I caould have my meal in peace i was delighted though. Maybe you are seeing too much of her if it's frequent enough to annoy you.

"MIL is a very dominant personality, very much the centre of her family universe. She works very hard for her family and is generous with material things to a fault. She can be quite sharp and will tend to do and say things without taking anyone else's feelings or situation into account".

Hi spiralqueen,

re your above comment:-

Bloody hell she sounds awful actually, not just to say narcissistic. She is all encompassing. I would argue that she has an innate need to be the centre of her family universe as they are her narcissistic supply. Also her generosity of presents is also perhaps not what it seems; there are unwritten conditions to such gifts.

What's her husband like; has he played the bystander role here for want of a quiet life (which is usually what happens in these situations). Again it is not healthy.

Problem for your DH as well here is that he has been trained to accept her behaviour as normal when it is clearly not. He will find it very difficult to stand up to her after a lifetime of such conditioning but stand up to her he must. For him therefore to state that, "well that is the way that she is" is infact a cop-out.

You and he need to present a united front and have clear boundaries with MIL, you need to both clearly show her what is and is not acceptable to you. What she is doing currently is running the show. You as your DDs parents have the final say; what you say goes. MIL has done her mothering, now it is your turn.

You may want to read "Toxic Inlaws" written by Susan Forward.

Agree with Meerkat.

She is trampling all over you and your feelings because all she cares about is doing what she wants.

However, this will continue until you tell her that she cannot get away with this behaviour.

Unfortunately, as Attila said, you will need your DH to stand with you and that makes it more complicated.

I hope these responses to your thread will give you some courage to tackle this overbearing bully.

The things like taking your dd to see Santa etc, well, if it was my MIL, she would just cry and say "Oh I'm just trying to be a good Granny" etc etc. Don't get me wrong, I still think she should check with you first about that sort of thing. However, things like the potty training - that is very firm ground to tackle and she would hopefully back off when you tell her that those sort of things are up to the parents to sort out.

With any luck she will accept your standing up to her bullying with dignity and will change her behaviour. However, it will be very hard for her to change the behaviour of a lifetime and your approach will, I imagine have to be well thought out.

I think the idea of undoing whatever the MIL has done is great but I think it isn't enough for your MIL. She needs firmer tactics .

I sincerely wish you well - and I thought my MIL was bad .

I agree with all the advice given here. I had a similar Mil, now X Mil who HAD to be the centre of the universe otherwise she would throw a huge drama queen show with everybody pandering to her.

You have to set boundaries TOGETHER with your H. Don't accept his 'Well, that is the way she is'. I am sure she can behave herself in other situations so she can do this. It is your house, your child, your rules.

You have my sympathy, my X never stood up to his mother and it made me lose all respect for him.

Nip it in the bud now but you have to have your H's support in this.

My MIL was overbearing at first, not in the way you say but just that feeling I had to please her and her ways to the detriment of my routine and DDs.

However, now my DD is 4 and one of three, soon to be 4 and the time devoted to her first GD has diminished considerably. And you know what sometimes I would love her to have the time to look after DD so I can have a break and it wouldn't matter if it was a brand new experience just as long as they were able to enjoy themselves.

Don't be too harsh on her. She doesn't sound like a bully at all and like another poster said, she's not undermining you, just not paying much attention to your own efforts.

I think you actually sound very lucky to have someone who cares. I once asked my mother inlaw to babysit last minute as my mother had forgotten and gone out and was told in no uncertain terms that she would have preferred notice. That was the first and only time I ever asked her, I never asked her again and my children dont like her to this day because of her attitude. She is letting you have a break, just enjoy it. Its not as if she is taking her to get her ears pierced or being bad to her.