In emotional turmoil over rel'ship with DH

[confuseddd]

My DH and DS are currently away staying with my MIL. I should be enjoying myself but instead very tearful sat on sofa with cat. I did go out yesterday and had a gorgeous day - went shopping at to cinema, on my own.

I was telling DH about my day on the phone and he said why didn't you have lunch with a friend, condescendingly. I said it's okay to have lunch on my own isn't it, but felt the wind had gone out of my sails and quickly ended the call.

Call me high maintenance but I just need a bit of encouragement to talk. Also inhibited by fact that MIL was overhearing - she has banned me from her house due to an emotional outburst over xmas hols - I was overwrought, pregnant and DH had again dismissed me with condescending words.

MIL thinks I need professional help. But she has been very judgmental and I feel DH has done nothing to back me when issues have arisen regarding how to raise DH. I make the decisions but DH does not back me in front of his mother - I am a decisive person but I can't handle the flak I get from MIL - she is very popular, makes critical comments of my SIL who is lovely (so am fairly sure she gossips about me in similar ways), and makes spiteful remarks amidst all the charm. I find her very cutting and judgmental. When I tell DH how I feel, he says it's me and that I am oversensitive - makes me feel so alone and desperate.

Thank you if you've read all through this. All I want is a hug or for DH to listen to me without judging. How can I salvage my dignity in this situation, stop being so needy and get on with life?

confuseddd

It is appalling that your DH saw you being shook by this toxic woman of a MIL and he chose to dismiss it.

I would not be sending her a note of apology at all. You have nothing to apologise for, she should be the one to apologise (but like many emotionally stunted people she thinks she has actually done no wrong hence no apology).

Your H needs to indeed grow a pair and stand up to his Mother. However, as said before he is more afraid of her than he is of you and so you get more readily dismissed. Therefore he will not read her the riot act.

The thing is, confused, there is almost no point trying to talk to her and get her to see your side of things, she won't, so it's just a waste of your time.

Just don't take her personally, and see the way she is as a symptom of her problems, unhappiness, bitterness, anger at life or whatever. She's not the way she is as a result of you, she's like that as a result of her and she's like that through her own choice. Shrug it off and don't let it get to you.

For example, yeah she's a gossip who might very well slag you off, but so what? It doesn't hurt you if you don;t let it hurt you, if you see it as A symptom of her problems, rather than yours.

So she called you mad, so what, you know you aren't, she's the one with the issues.

Your Dh is more likely to come round to your side if you rise above it and be the mature one in the situation, maybe making sympathetic noises towards your MIL to him, like "gosh it must have been so hard for her being a single mum" "she has gone through a lot hasn't she, poor lady" etc etc

She probably had a lot of contorl over her sons when they where growing up and make them feel responsible for her emotions and happiness that is still effecting how your DH behaves around her now. She sounds like a very emotionally manipulative woman.

yep I agree don't send her an apology note. No point.

and yes, I also think your ?DH is afraid of her, and emotionally manipulated by her.

That is fair enough omdb. I have to sort this out somehow and should avoid losing my cool. It is a challenge - quite glad in a way to be banned from going there as don't have to put on an act. That is the hard thing - not taking things personally rather than repressing feelings (only for them to explode at inopportune moments). Wish DH would get off the fence though.

Thanks for you support lovely mnetterz

Yes they are two very different things, not taking things personally vs. repressing or bottling up feelings. The first one is very healthy and the second one is very unhealthy and damaging.

If you do want to be able to step away emotionally and not take things so personally or be so emotional I recommend you read a book called 'The Road Less Travelled' by M. Scott Peck.

Omdb, that is a good way forward; to let her be and rise above it - if I can. Funny that you should mention the manipulative aspect - my BIL could not go to see her this weekend (twas arranged but had another commitment) and sent an email to DH to explain. He said he had explained and apologised but asked DH to echo his apology for not going. Why not just say he was busy and couldn't make it - why all the grovelling? They are def under the thumb.

Okay, maybe no apology note - I would rather not tbh.

Your comments have put things in perspective a lot.

Thanks for the book reccomendation. I read this years ago - will look at it again.

I agree not to apologise.

TBH though,if I "lost it" in front of my MIL, I think she would think I was unstable/deranged.

And it would have the unfortunate effect of making her feel even more protective towards her boy

Confused what I meant was if I was allowed then I wouldn't be letting me son go either, you are a family and she needsto accept you as one or sod off! I cannot believe your dh let her treat you like that but the other posters are correct, she has obviously controlled her boys through their upbringing and they are more worried about upsetting her then their partners. The advice others have given here is good solid advice and you should take on board what you can. Good luck and I hope you manage to lift yourself out of this horrible situation.

PS do not apologise!