How can I improve myself and stop being passive agressive?

[1757]

I would appreciate some advice

Basically I had a dysfunctional and emotionally abusive childhood for which I have received counselling. I have a wonderful DH and two beautiful children. I feel I have developed hugely as a person and a mother and am well on the road to recovery from my childhood.

However I am beginning to realise that I have learnt passive agressive behaviours which are difficult to 'undo'. As a child I could not express anger or disappointment and often felt powerless, supressing emotions.

My marriage to my DH is solid and I feel because I trust him I can communicate openly with him. However with others I can sulk and bottle up anger.

I do not have much contact with the abusers in my life so they don't matter but I have people who I love and want to build good relationships with. How can you communicate to someone that you don't agree or they have hurt you without hurting them? Is this possible?

I feel this has stopped me getting on in my job also. It stems from being afraid of being disliked or fear of rejection. But all that happens is I bottle it up and it affects my mothering (not often but still) and relationships.

Would appreciate your advice.

1757 - Yes, I think there are things you can do to deal with your passive aggressiveness ... though I also want to pick up on one thing you say:

You ask how to communicate with someone "without hurting them". Sometimes you have no control over whether another person hurts, no matter how gently you communicate with them. So it's also a matter of working out boundaries, so that you're responsible for your own part of the communication ... but not for the way it is interpreted.

In fact, reading your post again, I think the key word is boundaries here. A therapy process that works on strengthening these will almost certainly deal with passive aggressiveness too.

I'm a huge fan of psychodynamic therapy, but you could also investigate Cognitive Behavioural Therapy (CBT), which can be extremely effective.

Good luck!

thanks!

I am discovering who I really am since I faced up to my past. I think because I have insight into some of these learnt behaviours, I can work and improve on them

I sulk when I am angry and at the age of 30 I feel it is time I grew out of this! I know there are a huge range of passive agressive behaviours but I am definately guilty of this one

To be more specific I have lovely ILs who have helped me hugely and see me as a daughter. However like all ILs/parents they can be annoying! I expect too much from them sometimes as I look to them to make up for the parents I never had, especially my MIL. I have a good relationship with her and she understands the difficulties I have with my past but I want to improve our relationship further by being able to tell her when something is bugging me in an honest and direct way. Rather than saying nothing for fear of her disliking or rejecting me and then seething with pent up anger. She is the kind of women who would listen

As a child if I expressed anger at my parents they retaliated with vindictive comments and told me I was worthless