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12 replies

susanb · 15/06/2003 20:16

Does anyone else spend most of their lives feeling guilty?

Over the last few weeks, I have to admit that I've been a bit grumpy towards dp, (had alot of things on my mind) and we have bickered a bit, although no rows or anything like that. Tonight, while ds was in the bath, dp came home from work and everything was fine, as it normally is. When dp went upstairs to change, ds (nearly 4) asked if I was going to be grumpy to daddy again and why was I grumpy to him?? I felt so guilty as I realised that ds has picked up on it even though we haven't had any rows or anything. I told ds that I loved him and daddy very much and I didn't mean to be grumpy and then ds got a bit upset and then he was fine. Its just made me feel like a lousy mum as I always said I would never argue in front of him. Don't get me wrong, on the whole, dp and I have a very good relationship, but as I said just lately, for various reasons,I've been a bit low.

I also work part time; I only returned to work last summer and although ds adjusted to it quite well, every morning he gets up and asks if I have to go to work. Dp looks after him (as I work flexi time around him) and they have a great time but ds is very sensitive and just seems happier when I'm around. I spend most of my time at work feeling guilty at leaving him. I'm sorry to ramble on, I just wondered if anyone else had ever felt like the worse mum in the world and how they managed to feel positive about things again

OP posts:

runragged · 15/06/2003 22:01

Everyone goes through bad patches and we would all love to be perfect parents but we are not. At the end of the day children are going to grow up in the real world and that involves being around human emotions.
I think the thing to do is stand back, say "ugh oh, didn't realize it was getting to ds" and move on, plan a family day or something, take this opportunity to sort out what's on your mind.
When things start to spiral for me I try to dissappear to the bathroom with a beer and my book and then enjoy an early night. Normally things start to look bad for me when I am tired but don't realize it, I also have a part time job and don't get back until 11.30 so early nights are a total luxury! HTH


Tortington · 15/06/2003 23:20

giult - all the time!
today doing the garden teenage son was being his usual lazy self when i declared rather loudly that he was getting on my bloody nerves, my younger son said " mummy don't let him get you down. today is going to be a happy day isnt it?" which basically mmeant i have been shouting a lot latley and spoiling everything! and it breaks my heart that they will have these memories of me, becuase we all tend to remember the bad times dont we!


Tortington · 15/06/2003 23:28

sorry susan i didnt offer a solution did i? i dont have one either ! sorry

there always seems to be a better mum or dad or family or better educated or better dressed, more loving, calm, serene in a crisis. but then things show you to be an ok mum sometimes and you must remember to pat yourself ont he back. last week i saw a mum who was obviously well off in a big fancy jeep thing walking from a shop with her 3 children all immaculate with uniforms for a private school. this is the part where i beat myself up for not being able to provide the best for my children - not the best that i can - but the best. when a car went passed and the littlist girl wasnt being silly or anything ( like my kids may have been) but just wasnt standing close enough to the car as she should have been and her sister had to pull her in. The Mother grabbed the little girl literally by the collar of her school dress and bythe scruff of her neck pushed her against the car and threatened her then walked arounfd the car and opened the (centrallylocked!! sorry) doors.

i really felt for that little girl, and on that day i realised that am not so bad really sometimes.

but how awful is it that a situation like that needs to occur before i thought about it.


motherinferior · 16/06/2003 08:08

Guilt? It comes with motherhood, I reckon - a (happily childless) friend of mine told me I was getting the guilt bug TEN HOURS after dd was born. Actually I think it's better to show your kids you're human and do have moods (and that they can affect them!); I reckon the big thing is not to make them an emotional prop (very hard if what you want is a cuddle, and someone is saying 'oh mummy what's wrong' I find - I do manage to say 'I was sad and I'm not' usually).

You're not the worst mum in the world. I know you're not, because I am!


54321 · 17/06/2003 15:50

I can honestly say... I'm not the person he married since the children came along, and I'm not the mother I pictured being... often I feel lots of things including guilty and really wish I didn't! Sorry can't offer anything positive either.


jmb1964 · 19/06/2003 00:11

Guilt - yes, to agree with everyone else, I think it's pretty much unavoidable, but we all know deep down we're doing the best we can most of the time. I don't think conflict is always bad for children, as long as they see a bit of conflict resolution too.
Emotional prop? Interesting one. I think it's actually quite empowering for children to learn to recognise emotions in those around them, and to know that they can make someone feel better. Our older children are 5 and 6, and can both spot a 'tired mummy' and will sometimes direct me to the sofa and pile on top of me for cuddles. It works wonders, but maybe I should start feeling guilty it (as well as everything else - if men think about sex every 6 seconds, I bet mothers feel guilty even more often!)


motherinferior · 19/06/2003 15:17

I should have been clearer on this one. I love it when dd gives me a cuddle because I'm tired - I just have to resist the temptation to ask her for a cuddle if I'm feeling bad after a row with her father.

Like I say, the world's worst mummy...


Rhubarb · 19/06/2003 15:26

I tend to lose my rag quite easily with dd. She weed all over the bathroom floor the other day, she's not quite 3 yet and so accidents will happen, but I just lost it. I find it hard when she acts so grown up, to remember that she is just a child. She is never deliberately naughty and is just the most loving child you could imagine, so when I do lose my temper I have the most awful guilt feelings afterwards. I remind me of my mother which is no good thing! Does anyone have any hints to stop me from going ott at incidents like this?


breeze · 19/06/2003 16:02

I am the same as Rhubarb, ds aged 3.50, he is so tall for his age that people and myself included think he is older then he is and expect too much from him. prime example was last night we went to watch a olive cricket match worcs v warks and we were there from 4 - 8.30, the majority of the time he sat there and watched quite happlily, but towards the end (when it was getting really good) he ran about a bit and I ended up telling him off. I seemed to forget the fact that for 4 hours he had been reasonably good, he is only 3 and must have got bored and tired. I felt guilty afterwards especially when he fell asleep on the way home. I am learning to get more patient, but it still happens and I lose my rag, but most people with kids I know do to.


calcium · 19/06/2003 21:37

I work four days a week and when Iget home I have very little time with dd and then wish she would go to sleep early so I can have a rest although the rest never happens, I feel awful partly for not being the mother I thought I would be (i find it harder than anything I ever dreamed of) but also am wishing away the precious time I have with her. I spend my waking hours saying how tired I am and feeling lousy I don't remember the last time I felt like me. Guilt has become part of my life I even feel guilty for feeling guilty ! I just wish the old me would come back and then I could enjoy the time with dd and not feel guilty.... so it happens to all of us


susanb · 20/06/2003 21:21

So I'm not the only one!

I've just finished a long week at work and its actually been better than I thought and ds has been quite happy at home with dp.

Over the next few weeks I'm only working a couple of days each week, so I'll have plenty of time to spend with ds.

Its strange because when ds was born, I stopped work completely and it took a few months for me to adjust to being at SAHM, I guess its just taken a lot longer to adjust to being back at work.

OP posts:

Eowyn · 20/06/2003 21:35

This is one of those threads where I think, this is me. Hate that I'm so ratty with dh & dd but can't seem to stop myself sometimes.
Had been moaning at dh a few months ago when dd came up to me & said "mummy, I don't think you like Graeme".
Made me laugh (was 2 & doesn't usually call her daddy by name) but also feel rather bad - bit too astute for comfort.

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