Phone Sex - help

[Divawithattitude]

Ok I will try and keep this short and factual
Picked up DH's phone and was flicking through texts - discovered a whole load of texts from him to a woman - D -.
Confronted him only to discover that the woman is in fact a close friend of mine who moved abroad about 10 years ago - he claims this has never gone anywhere started as a bit of harmless flirtation and has happened intermittantly over the last 10 years. the time I found was back in November when I was away for a week - texts are quite explicit. He says it stopped because he 'oversteppped the mark' and she did not reply.

He is trying to convince me its just a bit of harmeless fun between them that was never going anywhere.

She won't speak to me - have called her to ask what is going on.

What do you think?

The fact that he chose someone who is physically out of reach could be a positive, in that he is feeling the need to play out some fantasies but not close to playing them out in the real world. The fact that it is text sex and not spoken phone sex (some pedantic people would have you call it text sex )could also be a good sign that he was keeping it a couple of steps removed from reality.

Were you looking at his phone because you suspected that he was being unfaithful?

Can you have an open, non-accusatory conversation about how he is feeling? Lots of men look for sexual relief when they feel stressed. Really helps to be open about it if you can.

I would completely ignore any pretend anger he says he feels for you snooping on his phone

What you found out justifies the means, IMO

he is angry because he has been busted

there is more to this, lots of cheated-on women (and men) often think their spouses just don't have the time/opportunity to conduct a fling

but they do, they squeeze it in somewhere

if there has been anything physical between them, it may have not been very often, or not for some time, but I would bet good money there has been at some point

no "good friend" would carry on dirty texts for 10 years without something to fuel that fire...

he will tell you the minimum he thinks he can get away with

if you want to continue this relationship, he has to come 100% clean about everything, because if you find out things later it will be worse for you

and if you want to call time on him, I would understand that

As you can tell I want to believe him, he has always been very moral about others we know who have been unfaithful.

I had no reason to suspect at all, was just looking to see when he last called his daughter on the phone - I am ignoring his anger at me snooping as it turns out I am glad that I did.

I have told him that I want the whole truth and if I later discover that he has lied then its over between us

many cheaters are very moralistic about other's infidelity

classic swerve tactic

What I am really trying to establish I suppose is if its a dealbreaker or should I give him the benefit of the doubt, we are both in our late 40s now, last child at university, a nice life in a lovely home in a lovely part of the UK. We get along better now than we have for a long time in that we actually spend some quality time together and enjoy each others com-pany in so many ways BUT am I better off without a man who would do this to me?

Diva, you really need to find out the true depth of his betrayal before you make any decisions about your joint future.

I would be beyond devastated at what you have discovered, but, it could be redeemable if he tells you the complete truth and explains exactly why he would do this. The fact that you actually know this woman makes it doubly hard I imagine.

For me it would depend what he has done. You sound a bit like you want to bury your head in the sand and pretend this hasn't happened rather than tackle it head on and find out things you'd rather not hear. If this is how you want to play it and you think he has had the kick up the arse he needed and you are happy with that, then go for it. I would be too determined to find out exactly what had gone on, but I suppose how you move on from here is a very personal thing.

ditto mal

OP, you haven't had the full truth yet

until then, any decision is made without full facts

however, you may want to carry on as long as you can be 100% sure it is finished without asking too many questions

that can work for some people too

it sounds like you have a nce life together in many ways...personally I wouldn't be able to rest (and feel secure in our future) without knowing why and how much

he owes you that (if you feel you can face it)