How to (politely) tell mother-in-law to back off?

[marantha]

How do you deal with a well-meaning but somewhat interfering mother-in-law?

Whenever my husband and myself argue, I am always keen not to tell family members (obviously I understand that abusive relationships do very much require family input but I'm talking here about squabbles which do not involve abuse).
However, about a week ago, we had a humdinger of an argument during which his mother rang- he told her that we were in the middle of an argument.

The argument has since resolved itself. But she rang this morning asking, "If there was anything she could do".

Now while I like the woman and wish her no harm, I do not ever want to discuss my marital issues with her-I just do not think it is a good idea because, nice as she is, it is impossible for her to take an unbiased view.

How can I tell her to stay out of our business in a polite way as not to give offence?

Can't you just say "No, no everything is fine - we just had a little falling out". I don't see why it is a big deal.

OK, Portofino, but there's no doubt about it my husband and me are (like all couples) going to have arguments in the future- both small and big- I want to nip this, "Is there anything I can do" business in the bud now.

I feel like saying, "No there isn't, you will always see your son in a good light (as mothers tend to do). I am not going to share details of our arguments with you because you will throw it back at a later date at us" but for the sake of diplomacy and harmony I cannot do this. I am asking if there is a way I can do this in a nice sort of way as to not give offence to her.

I still think you are over thinking it. Sounds to me like she was just concerned. I don't see why you have to "nip anything in the bud".

Just say, "oh that's all forgotten about, you know how things get some times", or something similar.

I think that she isn't being unreasonable here - she was probably a bit worried about you both and "is there anything I can do?" is a very hands-off way of asking about it because it leaves you free to say "thank you, but we're fine".

I can see that you are protective about your relationship, and that's not at all unreasonable either. And I bet that she would be biased! But she is giving you an easy way out of keeping her out of it.

I don't think it's as big a deal as you are worrying that it is.

Don't think she was interfering to be honest. She was told you were having a row - what would you have expected her to do?
don't tell her you are having a row in future.

I want to nip this, "Is there anything I can do" business in the bud now.

Of course you do - what a terrible thing to do, to offer help to your family if they seem to be having problems.
Chill out FFS! She is being nice.
If you don't want her help, decline nicely and thank her all the same.
You are being ridiculous imo

Yes, perhaps Portofino and MrsTittleMouse the both of you are correct. Thanks for advice.

I think her asking if there was anything she can do was lovely. Not intrusive at all. Making the point she is there to support but not prying.

No problem.

I may be biased as DH is very secretive of anything that he's worrying about. Which makes me catastrophise. We have worked out a system where I ask -

Have I done anything wrong?
Is there anything I can do?
You're not dying or being made redundant are you?

And the answer is always "no" to all three so I make him a cup of tea and leave him alone. We found that "what's wrong?" was too intrusive, and if none of the above questions gets a "yes" then I'm happy to let him get on with it and not worry myself.

It was nice of her to ask but I do feel strongly that no matter how nice the in-laws are, they are incapable of taking an unbiased view and it's best to leave them out of arguments.
I should have mentioned it in the opening post, but she also said I could talk to her about any marital issues if I wished if they should arise in future.
I mumbled something about not wanting to.
I just want some advice of how to say "I don't want to talk to you about it", but in a nice way, that's all.

all you say is 'thank you so much, but we're good now thanks.' and that's all you need to say whenever she offers help that you don't want.

she sounds lovely, and she might not always take your dh's side. although best not to let her interfere.

say 'ah thank you - that's so lovely and i'm lucky to have such a great mil.' and then never ask for advice! you're always brilliantly happy as far as she is concerned.

Has she asked again? Or is she likely to?

There's nothing wrong with a polite refusal. "Sorry, we both think it's unfair to involve others in arguments which then blow over, as this one has done! Surely you understand?"

There is only a problem if she insists more than once (she might consider resisting once for good manners' sake). Carrying on repeating yourself is probably the dignified way to go, but if she persists and you get narked, ask whether she would like to discuss her arguments with you. No? Thought not.

I feel I might be being a bit unfair to the poor woman, to comment on assumption that she will nag you for info! Surely a normal person would just drop it, even if she did need an occasional polite "no", to satisfy her after she asked out of a sense of obligation.

Shouldn´t you also be telling your husband to keep his blöödy mouth shut?

"We´re in the middle of an argument".

FFS!

Your dh shouldn't have told her you were in the middle of an argument! She may well have been picturing world war III

Years ago dh and I went through a rough patch and MIL kept asking me if we were having arguments. I got really wound up by her questions. If she had to interfere I felt that it would have more appropriate for her to grill dh rather than the dil.

I think if I was her I would have felt that I had to say something, since your DH brought it up. She might have imagined things would be awkward the next time you see her if she didn't get it out of the way straight away.

I agree with diddl and thedollshouse that your dh should not have said that - couldn't he just have said it's a bad time to call - jeez!

I am cringing for you marantha - I can't bear these sorts of overtures from my mil. Maybe I am like Mrs Tittlemouse dh - soooo embarrassing the thought of sharing our problems with mil.

Wish I could sort out this issue for myself. My mil thinks I'm excessively secretive and defensive because she always wants to know and dh seems to have no clue that airing dirty laundry in public is not the way to marital harmony. SO it's me that has to be assertive.

Also, I think that for some people, any suggestion that your relationship is not perfect will cause alarm, so would agree with warthog that you should try to appear together and happy at all times - such is the tyranny of families - I do sympathise.

You've heard too many mn mil stories

My Mil can, at times, be great - Dh needs a bit of encouragement at the moment due to job issues - MiL completely open with me, and suggested that she could play 'bad cop' a bit so that I could be 'good cop' - if you can get a working relationship with your MiL like this it can be really helpful.

you need to nip it in the bud with your dh not your mil.
she was just being nice. asking if there was anything she could do hardly constitutes an Intervention. if she asks again, just laugh it off. (oh and you may be surprised about just objectively she is prepared and able to see your dh's faults)

And the fact that husband mentioned it sort of then makes it his Mum´s business iyswim.