My DH suffers with an anxiety disorder which means that he goes through phases of feeling terribly anxious the whole time, with his mind awhirl about one successive worry after another. He functions very well in public and at work (he's very successful there) but during his anxious times crumbles almost the minute he walks through the door when he comes home. I spend hours, and hours, and hours acting as his counsellor.
He's desperately sad about the effect that this has on our life and his enjoyment of his time with me and our new DS, and is really working hard at sensible home-based remedies (such as diet and exercise), but point blank refuses to see a doctor or professional therapist.
I'm very sad that we spend so much of our time together processing his irrational worries and it is exhausting dealing with this the whole time. We seem rarely to have fun but what upsets me the most is the impact this is having on his and therefore our enjoyment of our new 9-week old DS (very much PFB!).
My DH clearly loves him but finds his existence a source of pressure/responsibility and therefore anxiety. His worries tend to go along the lines that he will make a mistake at work, his partners or clients will realise that he is no good at his job and fire him and we will lose the house. Having to be the breadwinner for DS gives this extra spice and his anxiety became progressively worse during my pregnancy and has really stepped up a notch since DS was born.
In practice this manifests itself as a refusal to engage with DS. He's very happy to help, but won't take responsibility, IYSWIM. So, for example, he'll change nappies until the cows come home but only when I ask him - he won't "notice" to do it himself. Similarly with bath time, despite this being the traditional Dad activity and just generally when he holds DS he is always watching the TV or playing on the computer at the same time and isn't putting that much into communicating with DS. It's almost like he's a robotic babysitter rather than someone with an emotional bond with our child.
Just now I asked him if he wanted a photograph of DS for his desk. We've had a good day, although as usual have tiptoed around him to make sure he doesn't get stressed. He immediately looked hugely stressed in response to that question and said "I'm not sure, I don't want the pressure" and that if he had a picture of DS at work it would give him something to focus his worries on while he is there. I know he doesn't mean it like this but I feel that these are little rejections of DS. I don't get it. DS is such a lovely, happy little chap.
I'm finding it increasingly hard to deal with this. I feel as though I have to absorb all of his problems, regardless of how ridiculous they are (very, normally) and put up with minor acts of selfishness which are necessary because he needs to maintain a low stress level. Whilst knowing that it is not his fault, I absolutely hate that he can't "man up" for the sake of his son - or put on a better act for both of our sakes. Why couldn't he just have said "yes, I'd love a photo?".
Of course, telling him this only gives him something else to feel guilty and worried about so I'm constantly biting my tongue.
I love him very much and it breaks my heart that he has such a hard time and I do my best to support him, however irrational he is. Equally I feel like his anxiety is ruining our lives on a day to day basis and that it is casting a shadow over what should be a lovely time or us all. I don't want to look back and remember that DH was stressed about this or that instead of remembering what a special happy time we had when DS arrived.
Any tips on how to deal with this? Hopefully there are some MNers out there who have dealt with anxiety/depression either themselves or in their partners?