Not sure where to start with this. My current situation sounds like a mix of about 5 different threads on here atm, and my head is so all over the place with it all so I was wondering if anyone had any idea abut what I can do next. In brief DH and I had/have been together for 8 years - married for 4. We have a 2.5 year old DD and he we generally had a good marriage (or so I thought). Just before DD was born he started therapy(with my blessing) as he had had such a messed up childhood and relationship with his parents (dad - affairs - mum walked out on him etc) He went for 18 months and after he stopped he began distancing himself from me.. saying we had been too 'enmeshed' and needed our own lives, that we had both been co-dependant and that he had dealt with that but I hadn't as I also came from a dysfunctional family (alcoholic father) etc - almost sounded like he had been brainwashed. Anyway all was ok until about May of last year when he started showing all the signs of someone who was having an affair - It took me a while to twig as I just thought we were going through a bad patch and am very good at sweeping things under the carpet (he was also very difficult to confront/pin down about almost everything) I found a few texts on his phone (nothing too intimate but enough to make me start checking) in September and confronted him one night in October. He confessed he had got 'too close' to a girl at work (surprise) and that they had been for a few drinks.. and kissed a few times.. he said he had not been happy for a while - felt that we were no longer compatible, he didn't love me any more and thought that 'something had died' -I said to him that if there was no way he could see we had any future together then it was probably best if he left that night - which he did. I then found out I was pregnant 5 days after he left - which changed nothing in his mind,
We started counselling (which started off as break up counselling) in November and it had just started to feel like we were getting somewhere but there was a month long break over Christmas. After a horrible Christmas he came round and said that he had only just started realising what he had done and couldn't live with himself not being a proper father to our DD and (I now know) DS and had decided that he definitely wants to give the counselling a proper go. No mention of 'I've realised I love you after all' ... more 'I can't live with myself because of the kids' so I felt kind of flat after that although it seemed like a step in the right direction.
It came out at the next session that he had started sleeping with OW a few weeks after he left (not sure if I totally believe that he hadn't before he left) and saw her for a few weeks up until Xmas but then finished it as he realised it was really unhealthy, making him feel worse and not good for anyone. He then said that the ball was in my court about whether or not I still wanted to make this work as he realised this could change everything.(all I could think was - 'where is the begging that is surely meant to come now ?'
I had an individual session with the counsellor last week (as did he) where I said that a) getting back purely because of our DD and DS (Due in June) is not what either of us want and b) that I did not feel I could move on til I knew every last detail of the affair. Having read Not Just Friends and speaking to the counsellor I now see the way to go it by giving him space. The counsellor also said the DH seems to be saying that GFW is not a big part of this and it's the problems in our relationship that make him unsure about us. In the mean time I am feeling stronger. I have taken up a new class, bought new clothes/hair, go to therapy once a week and have made quite a few changes around the house that I really like so I am now wondering how much 'time/space' does he need or should I give him ?.
I do not know if I can trust him about the OW (he may have stopped seeing her but I think the feeings might be there), was not convinced his heart and soul was in the counselling until this week when we finally started getting somewhere, am not sure how he feels about me (but if I ask would that be 'pressure' ?). He came round today and talked about worrying about our situation come june and how we would pay the mortgage if things didn't work out... and said 2/3 other things that we would have to consider if it didn't work out. Do you think its possible that he had already made up his mind but will still go along to the counselling to seem like the good guy or is he just massively confused ? I just feel as if us recognising what the problems were in our marriage are a good platform to work from to build a better one. He however looks at the problems and thinks they could be too massive to overcome so I feel one of us is looking for reasons for it too work and one of us is looking for reasons for it not to. I agree with some of the other threads about standing firm and forcing them into a decision but whilst we are supposedly trying to work things out in counselling I am constantly being told I need to give him space as he is confused. What about my f*cking life in the mean time ? I sometimes think a clean break would be easier in the long run (ie me just telling him I can't do this and need to get on with my life) but the other half of me thinks if we could be working towards something then I should not be so rash and chuck it away when I have my family to think of. Although I am in a much better and happier place than I was 3 months ago I am still devastated about the split and do not really think I have come to terms with the prospect of life without him. I do think that actions speak louder than words though and if I'm honest there's not a lot of actions atm. He says that he sees me getting stronger and that scares the life out of him - and what if we are going too far our own way to get back together -again looking for reasons for it not to rather than to work. Anyway sorry this is so long but If anyone has any wise words or advice on what I can do to keep sane I would really really appreciate it .