at the end of this miserable tunnel im in
Story is my XH left last year, it will soon be a year now and nothing is getting any better/easier for me. Our marriage was not good for about two years. The last few months were agony for me coming to the dreaded decision, it was heartbreaking and soul destroying but it was the right decision. We had been unhappy for about 2-3 years (he says longer, pretty much the whole length of our 5 year marriage, together for 4y prior). But I still have this incredible overwhelming sadness about it all, mainly to do with our two DC (under 5's).
It scares me and makes me sad wondering what the hell this is all doing to them, but I made the decision before they got any older, I suppose to try and limit any damage. The relationship broke down due to his constant lying about financial things, causing debt, hiding it, deceit to gain financially, etc (in brief!). It seemed to escalate over the two years that I was aware of it, so poss it had been going on longer, I just didnt realise it cos he had covered it up so much (ie lied so much!).
It created tension and resentment, we lived together but I would call it "existing", there was a friction you could almost feel and I felt it wasnt good for any of us, esp the DC.
He moved out, the first few months were just crushing, he went out of his way to be horrible to me, hardly saw his DC and when he did it was at his beck and call, I kept my mouth shut for the DC benefit as its massively important that they still have a relationship with their daddy. He did a lot of really nasty, mean, spiteful things, he still had access to the FMH and took things in a sly way, without discussion, id come home and he'd taken something else, lets just say the police were involved about 4 times due to threats he made. I really didnt know him anymore and it just confirmed I had made the right decision.
So now, almost a year later and ive been running the FMH, paying mortgage and bills, childcare fees, looking after the DC (and 2 dogs!). I work PT but its no lie to say ive struggling thru my backside on a daily/weekly/monthly basis, sometimes by the skin of my teeth. I am now at the point where im tired and worn out of the constant worry, stress and struggle of it all TBH. He has them overnight once a week but is now saying he wants to change this to every other week.
My ex gives me £200 a month but childcare for one DC alone is more than this. The amount was just agreed between ourselves but was like pulling teeth. I have lots of concerns about things, my solicitor arent exactly hurting themselves to get matters resolved. We did have mediation arranged sometime last year but he cancelled it two days before our appt, my sol is now saying this should be arranged and we should try again.
I need to start making some headway, I have no life, no social life, I sit home night after night, put the kids to bed and thats it, just me and the tv, my "free" time is spent cleaning, food shopping and clothes washing to keep the house running in some kind of organised chaos!!! The one night the DC arent home I spend trying to relax, watching a film, just eating in peace is luxury lol!! I dont really have anyone locally to go out with, to be honest I feel let down by my friends (who ive known years), I dont get phone calls, texts, emails off them, nothing. I have friends who dont live local who contact me daily and have been a huge support and massively helpful, they have got me thru some VERY dark days.
I just cant see any way forward, im stuck with bills, debt, no social life, no money to have a social life, blah blah - I dont mean this to be "woe is me" by any means, people do say "it gets better" but WHEN???
I feel like i have so many loose ends to tie up but dont know where to start and how to go about things. I look on websites, ask solicitor, check with mortgage company, etc, but NOTHING constructive, just seem to keep hitting brick walls and im drained with it all now, sorry for the major ramble but any help gratefully received, thanks!! x