Best Friend's DH has been Hospitalised due to excessive Alchol

[TellMeHowThisShouldGo]

I'm hoping that some from the 'addictive partners' thread come here to give some advice.

The story is this:

My best friend, in her second marriage, the first one ended because of his addiciton to alc0hol, now finds herself visiting her second dh of 10 years in hospital as he was jaundiced. Then he got out, she needed to go away for a few days, apparently he was drinking while she was away, and when she got back, got the gp to him and gp called an ambulance and he was back in hospital. she found a gp's letter saying that he should never drink again, he had hidden it from her. She always knew he 'liked his drink too much' but coped with that. She is so angry that he has made himself ill. BF is a lovely lovely woman. Over the years of her 10 year marriage she has put up with behaviour from him that she admits she shouldn't have. I've listened to her for all these years, and I'm really fond of her dh, but, I always considered him to be quite controlling and possibly narcissistic, although I'm not entirely sure whether that is justified.

To the quick, he has studied for yeeeeaars, got a great job, quickly gave it up because of the early mornings, blah blah, got offered a job in USA, didn't take it because of the violence there and so on and so on.

BF is a very together self-employed woman but 'she loves him'. Now she doesn't know what to do as she feels that he is ill and shouldn't turn her back on him 'in sickness and in health' and all that. She has visited him in hospital and is appalled at the ward he's in, how he looks, and he is being a real pig towards her. He's out of hospital now and he's been in bed for 4 days, and shouts at her if she asks him if he's going to come downstairs for a while etc so she has resorted to taking trays of food to his room (which he is eating).

He really hs pulled the wool over her eyes through the years, she's a bit naive. I've had experience of family members going through alcohol counselling etc so not quite so naive.

I'm finding it really hard to talk to her and support her and remain unbiased because I feel like telling her to pack her bags and leave him, which is strange because I'm very fond of him, please give me/her some advice??

I apologise if this is unclear, it's late but I need to ask for some advice, need to sleep now so I'm not ignoring anyone who answers this, will be back later. (today).

work on talking, supporting and remaining unbiased.
NOT EASY.
You sound like a great friend

Jasper, thank you for your reply, I love that woman to bits, we have been best friends for 30 years. We live miles apart now unfortunately.

I'm hurting for her. But I'd hate to say anything wrong as she loves him, and I realy like him a lot. But I don't want her to have to do this.

Got to go to bed now.

Hard to know what to add other than what Jasper has said already. She's right.

Ultimately your friend needs to make her own choices, which she will do sooner or later.

Would your friend also benefit from counselling to help her think through what best to do?

Could you find the phone number for your local Al-Anon meeting and pass it to your friend? Al-Anon is an offshoot of Alcoholics Anonymous (AA). Where AA is for the alcoholic, Al-Anon is for the friends and family of the alcoholic. I think your friend could really benefit from going to a few meetings.

Thanks for replying Snorbs. Yes, I've suggested that, someone has given her Al Anon's little book and it's helping her, although she's reluctant to contact them as she did all that with her first dh. I've spoken to bf this morning and her and her dh have had a talk and things are looking more positive, he's saying he's not going to drink again, but I can still feel a saga coming on. I've said that he would need support of AA and prob won't be able to stop drinking without some help.

BF must be going through hell, I really feel for her. Her first marriage was the 'perfect' marriage and then it fell apart because of his drinking. He was a functioning alcoholic, had a good business going etc and then he died of a heart attack last year aged 51! Even though the marriage had broken up many years ago she has two dcs (grown up) from that marriage and it was heartbreaking for all of them. Now she has this!

Thanks again for replying, I'll keep you posted.

Thanks IYH.

I think she is going to go for counselling for herself.

That's good news, TellMe.

It's very unlikely he'll keep his promises to stop or cut back the drinking. It's just part of the routine - as you & she both know.

I can see it's hard for her to stop 'enabling' him (making his meals, etc) when he loses it at her and makes her life a misery. Counselling for herself will, I hope, help her to take a step back from the situation and make the wise decision.

Good to know she's got you by her side!

Hi IGA, yes, I think you're right, there's a bit of a rocky road ahead.

I'm not sure which is enabling and which is caring for him as he is just out of hospital. He's been ok with her today so hopefully that will continue. I told her he's probably irritable 'cos he wants a drink. We had a wee bit of a laught at that, we are very close.

I think the counsellor will put her right on what she should be doing and what she shouldn't, ie which bit is enabling.

Thanks everybody, you're making me feel better at least.

The simple way of working out if what you're doing is enabling is "Am I doing something that they could, and should, be doing for themselves?"

He might be going through alcohol withdrawal, but if he's got his appetite back he's over the worst of it. Therefore he could easily heat up some soup for himself if he's hungry.

It is good that she's going to the counsellor. I found Al-Anon good but I have to admit I found one-on-one counselling better.