Just found porn on dh's computer. am i over reacting??

[northernmonkey]

Ok so background really is i am very self consious and over weight. Dh knows i get very down but is very loving and great with me.

I know he's watched porn in the past. The 1st time i found it i told him it hurt me that he watched it without me knowing and i said i'd watch it with him. He said he wouldn't and for years now as far as i'm aware he's not.

We do have a great sex life so its not that he never 'gets any' but tonight i was in our room putting a putting a film on for the dc's when the recently viewed film file showed he's watched a porn film Very recently.

I now feel very shaky, sick and upset and i dont know what to say to him. Am i overreacting?? i know its not the worst crime in the world

Just needed to talk about it

Think you should try to talk to him about it. Talk about how you feel and get him to talk about why he enjoys it/how often he does it.

Can you do that?

I can talk to him and i want to. He's at work now untill midnight but i really wish i could sort it now.

I feel so crap just had a really shit week and my eldest ds (adhd) has kicked off all day nearly throwing scolding tea in my face..now this

Hi northern

wanted to say that you being overweight has nothing to do with DH using porn,
nor does a great sex-life (indeed, that usually makes people feel even sexier)
i read an article by Erick Janssen 'why do people use porn' that may help you see it differently...cant link
so youll have to google.
it really isnt a reflection on you, please dont feel down

Thankyou motherlovebone i've found it

I just feel so crap but i dont know why. It has upset me a lot but i dont think it helps that i have been incredably low recently

Have been sat in tears since the dc's went to bed

Oh, bless

I seriously don't think you need to worry about this. If (big IF) it turns out he spends half his life watching porn and/or doing the nasty on the internet, then I'll help you worry!

Until then, let's suppose he sometimes feels a bit stressed & finds it relaxing to act like an adolescent, alone in the privacy of his living room, while you're asleep or in the bath.

Excellent advice above, about discussing both your feelings openly

If my DP were to look on MY computor, he would find porn We have a good sex life, as good as it can be with a wean around I don't look at it very often, if at all - although i am very open about it and will often say "oi, come and look at this"

BUT, i think if i were to find him looking at porn it would upset me. Double standards i guess. It would upset me because i am insecure about the way i look. I dont like my body.

I don't mind him looking at porn WITH me though.

I would just have a conversation about it with your DH, just along the lines of "nudge nudge wink wink - oh aye, who's been looking at rudies then" Do you know what i mean?
That puts him at ease to talk to you about it - its not a big deal, he might be honest. He might have been curious - his mates might have linked it, "oi, look at this........." lots of reasons.

The most important thing is, you have a good sex life - you probably just make him randy all the time!! Men are odd when it comes to masturbation too - NO imagination, whereas us girlies just need a bit of privacy and our minds!! lol.

I certainly wouldnt fret about it, but i would let him know you know - it shouldnt be hidden

wondered how long it would take you to show up dittany - WAVES

I dont think anyone suggesting OP has a problem though

Hello dittany! waves too
I'm another one who is not really comfortable with porn and see it as rather repellent and degrading to ALL concerned. I have watched it in the past, but wouldn't again. It's a bit icky and made me feel metally soiled.
So I'd just like to reassure the OP, it's perfectly acceptable to feel that porn isn't something you are okay with, if that's how you feel then that's fine.

However, it probably isn't a personal judgment on you, and you really need to talk to your DH so you can clear the air. Hope you have a chat and feel reassured. x

Thankyou everyone for listening last night and the reassurance.

So we spoke last night and he was very open so thats all good. He did say he doesn't do it often at all and the reason he did this time was because he didn't feel like i was satisfied with him (I've
had a few problems this last couple of weeks when we were having sex and i've struggled to climax)

So we spoke, laughed and cried then he said he'd delete it from his pc, although i never asked him to. I think we've sorted it and i didn't start shouting at him the second i saw him

Thanks to good old mumsnet for rationalising things for me

Oh, thats brilliant - i hope you manage to sort things out. Remember the climax isn't the be all and end all!! Maybe you two could think about some new games - I feel a visit to anne summers coming on .