Want to leave but cant find the courage

[sadsadsue]

Having read a great many of the relationship issues on the forum thought it was about time I aired my dilemma !

Have beeen married to my DH for 27 years and have a 20 yr daughter.Never wanted to go through with the marriage ceremony all those years ago but my DH loved me and I thought that I could learn to love him - how wrong I was!Things were OK but he has always been terribly difficult to live with.Has a very short fuse, sulks for days and is very jealous, Always likes to know who I'm texting, emailing,phoning etc and always checks history on the PC to see what I've been looking at.He doesn't like me going anywhere without him,even shopping, and is always checking where I am and whot time I'll be home. It's suffocating !

We are now in separate bedrooms as I have dreadful insommnia and night sweats plus, if I am honest, i don't want him near me.I don't want him to touch me and I certainly don't want sex with him.I've told him I don't fancy him although he's said he still fancies me - a lot !

I would really love to have a life of my own now but the problem is leaving him.He has no friends or family (has fallen out with everyone of them)and the few friends I have don't particularly like him, so he would be totally alone.How can I leave him ? Each time we talk about the way we are he starts to cry and says things like 'You do love me lots don't you ?" and "we will be together for ever wont we ?" Of course I lie and say "Yes" because I feel so sorry for him. How do I find the strength to tell him it's over ?

He's controlling you when he says all this, he's controlling you when he wants to know who you are texting/emailing/phoning. He knows exactly what he's doing, he's controlling every aspect of your life so that you don't have the strength to leave him.

Can you contact woman's aid?

Thanks for your reply Belle ! What would Womens Aid be able to do for me ? He's said that if I want him to go then just tell him, but I can't.I've tried this before but he's just so clever with words that he runs rings around me and then I just back down and end up telling him I love him and that everything will be OK. although in my heart I know it wont.I just think that after all these years I've just lost my identity and confidence.My daughter says " Mum, just tell him to sod off !"

He's manipulative. He'll tell you to go, then tell you how he'll top himself/not be able to carry on etc. Your daughters right, you need to have confidence in yourself to be able to do this. Can you just put his things in suitcases and leave them by the door? You don't need to say anything, it says it all.
Do you have some family that support you?

Hi, Sue. Women's Aid will be able to talk you through what's happening and explore a few options with you.

It's great that your daughter's backing you up! Very sad that she had to grow up in this atmosphere, though. He's an arrogant sod, isn't he? So sure he can beat you down no matter what you say! He has wrecked your confidence. And you can get it back.

Sue, can I just remind you that IT DOESN'T MATTER who 'wins' the argument? Some people can make it seem like a game, where the rules are: "Whoever has the last word, wins. You lose, so your reasons for wanting rid of me are invalid. I win, so I stay."

It doesn't actually matter what your reasons are, or whether he find them insubstantial. You DON'T NEED REASONS. Your marriage is an equal contract between the pair of you - equal. Under the terms of that contract, either party can terminate it at will. At will. You don't need to explain. "Please leave on Monday, I'm filing for divorce" should do nicely.

Is this making sense??

You can leave him, SSS, if you want to. You are not responsible for his emotional welfare, no matter how much it has come to seem to you that you are, over the years.

The reason it feels like you are responsible for him emotionally is because he constantly behaves as if you are. If you "show" him you love him - sex, cooking him dinner, sitting on the sofa with him instead of going out with friends, he is nice back, I bet? And when you don;t constantly demonstrate your love, he probably withdraws / sulks, in other words saying "you have hurt me, and I don't believe you love me". But you can never give him enough proof that you do love him because he probably doesn;t believe he is loveable at all and obviously has very low esteem. None of that is your fault, however, and you can;t fix it for him.

Are you, or could you be, financially independent of him? Do you work?

So, you never really loved him, hate the way he is and yet stayed with him for 27 years , all that time pretending?

I have the utmost sympathy for him*.

He has probably always known you resent him, I'm not surprised that he's so insecure tbh.

You have wasted two lives by the sounds of it.

Mal, I'm pretty sure you have more of a clue than you're demonstrating - of how a person can be cowed into believing they haven't got the right to leave.

I agree it's not the best idea to marry someone you're not sure about. But it's not a crime, or even unusual. Notice neither of them left the other, therefore it seems one party has a vested interest in keeping the other one.

Thanks for all your responses. Will have to pluck up the courage to face him I suppose.I am financially independent so it would be easy for me to leave.Sadly, one big issue in our marriage from day one was that he was a workaholic.We never spent much time together and he never really got to see his own daughter grow up.Great,we had plenty of money but no time to spend it.Even his own mother, when she was alive, used to ring him up at work and tell him to get home or else he wouldn't have a home to go home to !

Mel I do think that as you do not know all the facts you are not in a postion to comment.He has NEVER known that I have felt this way until just recently.His workmates, my friends and family have all wondered how I have kept this family together for so long. He is a very difficult and complex man with a terrific temper. I have been accused of having affairs at work,being selfish and frigid, oh ! and (his words) "looking like a bag of shite".Perhaps you'd like to live with him ??

Go for it.

sue, well I certainly wouldn't want to live with him, and I don't think you should either

you are financially independent

dissolve this r'ship

it doesn't matter how long you have been together

you are not about to drop dead yet...you have a right to be happy for your remaining time on the planet which could be many, many years

just go, forget what has gone before, he has or he certainly hasn't fucking appreciated it

I have to say, i feel the same as Malifilence - i say things like that to my DP "you do love me don't you" "we will stay together wont we". From what you lot are all saying here then - he probaby feels the same way about me as the OP does her man. I guess he was a work a holic because he lived with a woman who didn't love him.

WHY did you marry him? WHY?

Yep - I am the female equivalent of your DH. I have a terrible temper (i mean, scary!) I am insecure and jealous. Have accused my DP of all sorts.

Am now thinking it would be kinder if i were to "let him leave"

Just cant understand why you married him when you said you didnt want too - were you pregnant?

No, I definitely wouldn't like to live with him, I'd have been out the door before having a child with him though.

If he's as bad as you make out, why on earth would you stay for so damn long?

Btw, I was a military wife for half my 25 year marriage, I know better than most about career coming "first".

As for your DH not knowing how you feel - maybe not conciously, but assuming he's not completely stupid, he would have picked up all the negative vibes. He perhaps knows on some level that you don't really love him?

He does actually sound very unpleasant, if the relationship is that bad then end it.

Why do you need courage to leave a miserable existance?

Gah. Because of this (posted on adjacent thread):
Ladies, we MARRY them because we don't know any better. We LEAVE them when we finally discover how our own minds have worked against us. It's a bloody difficult conflict to recognise, let alone resolve. Every woman who has the guts to face it deserves support, imo.

Think I'll go & make a latte with the steam coming out of my ears.

Got to love Grace's contributions .
Others not so much.

OP you are past the "should I leave" stage.
You are now at "I want to leave. How can I ??"

You KNOW what you want.
Do it and good luck x

Womens aid will be able to guide you in any questions you have, sue with regards to money, housing, if he still tries to blackmail you (because he's emotionally blackmailing you now) - they are a brilliant resource.

Here are just a few more reasons why women don't leave straight away, not to mention the sheer TIME it takes to REALISE you've been taken for a ride / worn down / controlled.

Reasons why a woman may not be ready to leave:

• She may still care for her partner and hope that they will change (many women don't necessarily want to leave the relationship, they just want the violence to stop).
• She may feel ashamed about what has happened or believe that it is her fault.
• She may be scared of the future (where she will go, what she will do for money, whether she will have to hide forever and what will happen to the children).
• She may worry about money, and supporting herself and her children.
• She may feel too exhausted or unsure to make any decisions.
• She may be isolated from family or friends or be prevented from leaving the home or reaching out for help.
• She may not know where to go.
• She may have low self-esteem as a result of the abuse.
• She may believe that it is better to stay for the sake of the children (eg wanting a father for her children and/or wishing to prevent the stigma associated with being a single parent).

lematthedogs I'm bloody glad I'm not married to you

There is no need for so much insecurity in a relationship, unless one of you has had an affair or otherwise betrayed the other's trust, and you are trying to rebuild trust, when it would be understandable.

Checking up on someone all the time, not wanting your partner to go anywhere without you - who the hell wants a relationship like that? It's controlling and abusive and if all this is true then Sue you are right to want out, now you just need to make a plan.

It's great that you have financial independence.

You don;t need to justify your reasons for leaving. You don;t love him now, so it's best for you both that you are honest, and get things sorted. He will survive, and if he doesn;t, it won;t be your responsibility.

Only an emotionally stunted, immature person can't find the resources to survive on their own.

Reading between the lines, my take on you saying that you weren;t sure if you loved him when you got married was that you probably weren;t sure you loved him ENOUGH because his expectations of what "love" is are so high. His demands are excessive, to be frank, and it must have been hard trying for so long to live up to them. It may be that you both loved each otehr equally, once, but he is more dependent on you and more insecure, so it seemed as if he loved you "more".

I think you might find real happiness out there, if you're prepared to reach out for it.

Good luck

My mother almost left my antisocial, selfish father years ago, but never had the courage. Now they're in their 70s and he's worse than ever...doesn't appreciate her, doesn't want to go anywhere ever, but also doesn't want her to go anywhere.

Cliche alert: you only get one chance at life. Sounds like you have been ultimately unselfish for most of your marriage. Even your dd thinks you should go. You are not responsible for the man...he is responsible for himself. He will get over you eventually and get his own life. Meanwhile you will experience the kind of freedom you deserve....

I know it's so easy for outsiders to pass comment on other's relationships. But I know my mum bitterly regrets having basically denied herself a life, just so dad could have his boring, selfish life watching tv all day. Be brave....

Absolutely love grace's posts on this one and I agree, if you want to leave somebody then you don't have to work on your reasoning, you just have to say you're leaving and then do it.

Sallyblue I think you have hit the nail on the head ! I was engaged to him at 19 and i married him at 21.Of course couples didn't live together in those days and I think that if we had we would have both walked away from the relationship.I did love my husband to an extent but to be honest his love for me is far greater - to the point of being obsessive - I can only put this down to me being his one and only girlfriend ! you are right that if I don't do much for him during the day (because i'm working or meeting a friend) then when i am around he has to ask me if I still love him.It's actually getting beyond a joke now,as an example I was a little sharp speaking to him this morning and he asked if i'd changed my mind about how I felt.It is emotionally draining and I've had enough.

Mal - the reason he is a workaholic is because he was building up a multi-million pound business - nothing to do with the fact that I did have any feelings for him.He did actually admit yesterday that it probably had some detrimental effect on our relationship.Whilst he was coming home at 4am the next morning,taking a shower and getting back to work for another long stint I was working full-time ,looking after our daughter and keeping the household together and to top it all I have had a disability since the age of 14 which made me dreadfully ill(and still does).

I just feel that I've now given everything I've got and need my own space to do what I want to do.Why should I have to justify what I do or where I go ? My only worry now is that I have lied to him for so long about how I really feel

Don't worry about that, Sue. We tend to revise our feelings in the light of developments. I think you did love him enough - just not as much as he needed, because it's impossible for anybody to love as much as he needs. Sally did say that in her post, I think you've only focused on parts of it because you have 'guilty' feelings about wanting to leave. Don't worry about it.

You do deserve your own space, your own choices and to be taken at your word. You HAVE given enough. Even your daughter knows!

Thanks IGA for those kind words. I know I constantly need to justify how and why I feel like I do. I just hope that what you and others have said can carry me through to doing the right thing. I know that my DD wouldn't condone me as he has made her life a misery at times. She was actually frightened of telling him that she had had a boyfriend for two and a half years in case he woudn't speak to her.He didn't even wish her a happy new year on new years eve when she rang as he had not spoken to her for 4 days as they had argued - she had told him that she will not have him speak to her the way he speaks to me - how brilliant !