i hate how ds' father has hurt him :-(

[maristella]

i have spent most of this evening consoling ds (12) who feels utterly rejected by his father, who has refused to see him since he was 5. we spoke about his feelings, and i asked him to write down how he feels, as he is very locked in. he wrote down words such as: angry, rejected, victim
i know i did my best to prevent this hurt and rejection, but the fact that the most important person in my life feels this unhappy really hurts
has anyone else had to deal with similar?

my ds has not seen or heard from his father in 2 years,previous to that maybe once each year since birth. Xp would promise to visit and promise exciting activities and then just not turn up.
its awful and i feel for you and your poor ds.
My boy has come to the conclusion that "daddy doesn't keep his promises".He came out with that about a year ago. It has been heartbreaking as you can imagine but it was a lesson (?) my ds had to learn im afraid.
I find it helps that we talk if ds brings it up,he will sometimes make excuses for xp not visiting (busy,money etc) and sometimes he is more accepting of the situation. He has worked that daddy chooses to behave like this.

I have no personal experience of this but am so so sorry for you and your DS. What an utterly vile man, how anyone can abandon their child - well it is beyond comprehension

I think you should emphasise all of the people in your sons life who DO love him and want hime and need him x

Does your ds have uncles or any other close males that could take an interest in him??
Mine doesn't unfortunately and I always knew that would have helped a great deal. I do boyish things with him but as a single parent (i also have a dd) its hard to fit it all in.
Your xps behaviour is is vile as said by BS,he will have to atone for it.

thank you so so much for hearing me, all of you. it's a tough call having to hear how hurt and angry your dc feels
doubleinstruction: you've done so well, after all these years the level of acceptance feels out of reach still.
betty: thank you; we have talked alot about how the fact that his father has let him down has allowed other family members to enjoy and benefit from such an active role in his life, and that we are all better people for having him.
doubleinstructions again: ds adores his uncle and really loves his grandad, but he really wants so much more from his uncle than can be given. he has so much input from family (my side), and is pleased and grateful, but yet resents the lack from his father. also it really does feel like i don't have enough resources!

Resenting his father is the most natural response,even healthy in its way.
He is being done a huge misdeed and I'm holding back language wise. This relationship is there for life and your son will adjust and change his attitudes towards it. Somedays will be worse than others. Your doing a great job,I felt so cruel letting my ds work things out for himself but also felt that was so important for him.
My ds is soccer mad and this is something he has learned to love and excel at independently. I have held back joining in so he can be proud of his own acheivement (look what you on your own,regardless of daddy,or mummy iyswim)
I dont understand what you mean by resources?

yes, it's such a fundamental injustice.
i think by not having enough resources i menat that i cant get him to the point of acceptance of the situation, but by thinking about that in depth i know that acceptance is maybe too much to expect from him. he's so young! i guess that what im feeling is that even though im giving him all i have, right now it isnt replacing what he knows he deserves, and what he also knows he cant have, and i wish i could change that but i cant. i hate feeling so powerless

you cant change your xps behaviour and your ds will realise he cant either.
i know its awful but im sure your are well able to cope with the times your ds is hurting. try not to make your xp the focus,having your ds write down his feelings is a great idea.
i have a parenting co-ordinator near me who ive spoken to in the past and she had some great excersises we tried out,if there any advice near you that might help??
feeling powerless made me rage,do you have someone you vent to?? you cant put too much pressure on yourself.
seeing your child hurt by someone who should be protecting them is horrible,by working through it you are helping him learn how to cope and he will have that forever. you cant change it,having you there loving him is what he needs and he has that.

My eldest son (from my first marriage) is now 19. His father never wanted to make the effort to see him/make my son part of his life when we split up. My son, now at 19, is hurt by this and puts a brave face on it. But I know that deep down he is hurt. This lack of interest from his father, and the consequential lack of a bond between them, has made my son feel anti towards his dad. It always made me very angry as his dad, who was from the Middle East, went on to follow Islam when we split (he did not actively follow it all the years we were together), and it always made me angry that he professed to being a good Muslim - but, he was not committed to his son!!!!!

My present H, who I have two young children with, left me a couple of years ago for one year. He, too, used to let our children down by not bothering to keep the commitment to see them during the year of our separation. I had to deal with let-down children continually that year.

I must be unlucky at only finding fathers to my children that are both like this!!!!!!!!!

i too have a great knack for picking terrible fathers!!