Night time threats...

[bellarosa]

Hi i'm posting about my dh and his routine use of threats to get me, and our dd's to 'behave'.

The other night at 2am our 3yrold dd woke up having a nightmare or a night terror, she's had them on and off for about a month. her shouting and crying woke the whole house up, everyone got stressed out, especially dh who ended up shouting at me and the dd's.

Then when everything had calmed down dh turns to me and says
" It's your fault this behaviour of dd's, if it carries on i'm going to call social services on you. She is having these sleep problems because you are such a bad mother"!

he is ok in the day time, but at night all this horrible horrible stuff pours out of him and i feel like i'm living some twisted double life with a nice normal dh in the day and someone else at night.

is it just the stress of being woken up or should i worry that this is what he really thinks?

say "ok then, but be prepared for them to advise me to get rid of you, you abusive prick" and hand him the telephone.

You don't need to live with threats like that

drug use at night?? alcohol?

whatever it is,its not acceptable

has he been violent?

Tell him that you understand completely and that he so deserves an undisturbed night sleep, after all he is the man of the house. Tell him that it is totally unacceptable that he is woken up like this - and tell him to shut the door quietly on his WAY OUT!!!

Feel so for you

my dh has been known to do this too

he has anger issues that have yet to be dealt with by either him or me

issues I don't yet want to discuss on mumsnet I'm afraid

I feel for you. its horrible the next morning, worse when hes normal again. makes me think i must have dreamed it, but know I havent.

however, he never yells at our dc, only me

If he's better during the day, you must talk to him then and tell him clearly that this is way, way out of order. Small children wake up in the night - as a dad, it's his job to be there, be comforting and help them get back to sleep.

This reminds me of lovely Tony Hart's funeral and what his adoring daughter had to say about him being great when she woke up in the night, and how she never forgot it. Show him that.

here

I really feel for you and your children. To live with somebody who turns like a jekyll and hyde must be very stressful.

In the five years I have known my husband he has never called me names, threatened me, manipulated me to do what he wanted or basically thrown his weight around because he is unhappy with something.

I would be very inclined to call time on the living arrangements. To have a full grown adult shouting at you and the children in the middle of the night and then to threaten you with social services because you do not control them the way he feels you should is not acceptable.

And this man is meant to be your husband and claims to love you all? He certainly does not show it.

Do what Lewisfan said. Get the phone, dial the number and hand him the receiver.

marineiguana, I didn't know that about Tony Hart

that has brought tears to my eyes, tbh

I hope my dc remember their father like that

I think they will and am glad of it

AF, me too - cried when I first saw it, and cried at it again just now! (but I am pg...). But that's how you should be able to remember your dad - sadly my dad was not like that either, but my DP is and I'm so glad my DC can have the benefit of that.

Call Women's Aid for advice and support. Find out your legal position re the house/money etc. Then tell him that you will not put up with this behaviour and he either stops it or he can leave the house.

My H used to threaten me with Social Services like this - that was before they were involved at my home 'because of HIS domestic violence'.

My H also regularly uses terminology towards me like 'I am going to get you. I am going to destroy you.'

Does your H drink? Mine does and even though drink can make him nastier he uses words like that with me without the influence of drink. That is his personality - he has always made continuous threats against me. (But he is narcissistic). My H would never leave the house on the principle that 'he pays for it'.

Find out your legal position/look into the practicalities of a split from him as well as Womens Aid.

I was married before and my first H never once used language like that towards me.

Regardless of what started your dds night terrors, I'd bet money her fathers behaviour is exacerbating them.
You need to have a serious chat with him during the day and tell him this is completely unacceptable and ask why he thinks it happens. And if it happens again, show him the door. I would not tolerate my partner shouting at me like that, or scaring the living hell out of my children.

Been there and done that. He is now my exH. I got blamed for everything. He got ordered out of the house by the police eventually.

Sorry not replied sooner been out all wkend.

He did have a problem with coke a few yrs ago and has had spells of other self destructive behaviour since, drinking etc all to do with unresolved issues from his own childhood.

I dont think that these night time outbursts have anything to do with substance/ drink misuse. Its more to do with his inner stuff which he hasnt dealt with, and this is a manifestation of all the pent up rage, frustration, need etc...
But like you say it's not at all acceptable and the dd's shouldnt have to whitness this behaviour.

i've tried talking to him about it but he seems to deny it, brush it off as me over reacting etc.

Any way got to go put dd's to bed

From what you say it sounds like he has this lurking anger and frustration within him (possibly from his childhood, coupled with fuck-up-your-brain drugs) and it just comes out at night, i.e. when his normal facade is down. The most worrying thing to me is that he doesn't feel sorry or want to do anything about it afterwards. My DP had a difficult childhood too and will v. occasionally get a bit cold and angry and unreasonable (nothing like this though), but after half an hour or so he kind of "comes back" and is so sorry for being an arse.

Has your DH had any counselling? The important thing for you to remember is that no matter what happened to him, it's not your fault or your DDs' faults, and you can't solve it for him. He needs to see that he is damaging his kids by what he is doing.

You talk about a "routine" of him using threats to get you and your kids to "behave". What else does he do apart from this example? Does he target you at any other time?

bella, just because that's his response doesn't mean it;s off the agenda and you have to stop trying. Don't stop - why should you, why should he set the agenda when he's being out of order? Say "no, this is serious and it matters and I am going to talk about it because it is unacceptable behaviour by you and it needs to stop."

Ask him if he really wants his DC to think of him as a frightening, threatening bully. If he wants to give them a complex about expressing their natural needs such as needing comfort after a nightmare. Tell him fair and square, if SS would have any concerns about either of you, it would be him. They would not bat an eyelid to be told that your 3yo wakes up in the night and they wouldn't think that indicated a bad mother. But bullying and threatening behaviour, they would class as abuse.

So true, MarineIguana. And Elephants is right too, this is damaging your DCs. Passing on the pain won't solve anyone's problems.

thanks girls,
am feeling shattered after another nightime drama, and not in the most rational mood to confront him about this issue, but i am working out what i want to say, why i feel its wrong and what i want to happen for us to move forward.
It's great to have your support.

thank you

It sounds just awful, bellarosa. DS1 used to have night terrors between the ages of 5 & 7 and I really wouldn't have wanted to add a nasty partner to an already rather challenging equation.

But I must say that I am very weary of unacceptable behaviour being put down to "unresolved issues".Everyone has some sort of unresolved issue in our lives but it doesn't justify behaving appallingly to our partners and children. In fact it is a downright lazy excuse. So please make your dh aware of the fact that you won't and can't tolerate any more of these night-time outrages. If he won't accept that his behaviour needs to change then I'm afraid you need to think very seriously about your future together.

Well said, Pikelit. There comes a time when a grown up needs to behave like a grown up and stop feeling sorry for himself.

Blimey, bellarosa, another bad night?? This is too much. Well, once is too much! At this rate, you'll be too tired to cope with anything at all, let alone a nightly visit to the Hammer House of Horrors with your baby.

To me, this sounds weird and scary. But I understand there's a lot at stake & you haven't tried everything yet. You do need to get him to address this. Apart from the fact you'll be dead on your feet, you're looking at creating childhood issues for your DDs.

Have you got a video camera, or does your phone do night-time video? Show him (in the day) what he's like. His reaction will probably tell you some things you need to know.

That's my best idea, I'm afraid. Good luck.

Bellarosa, sorry to hear that. Stay strong and remember you have absolutely every right to insist that this is unacceptable. I too would be making it clear that abusive behaviour like this may well be a threat to the relationship if he doesn't do something about it, starting now.

Your poor daughter, no wonder she's having nightmares! Every night she's asleep and then woken up by shouting and threats and crying? That's awful, the poor child.

This isn't normal and it isn't okay and it will have longterm consequences if you don't talk to him. Get some rest, think about what you want to say, and then bite the bullet. He needs to recognise that this is a problem, and show that he can make some moves towards stopping it. It's just not on.