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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Exh friends with sister, why do I still find this so hard?

25 replies

Annya · 29/01/2010 10:45

I have just spent a lovely weekend with my sister and her family. The only trouble is she is still very friendly with my ex husband and his new wife.

Just a bit of context - we divorced about six years ago so this is not really very recent but exh and I split over his affair with eventual new wife.

I am in a new relationship, have a lovely little boy who I adore and have moved abroad and am very happy with my new life.

But every time I see my sister I hear some bit of news of exh and his wife, or there's some reminder which still upsets me. It's not that I am not "over him" per se it's just I feel my sister and her family shouldn't be so matey with them. Blood thicker than water and all that.

On the other hand she has a perfect right to chose her own friends and does not answer to me - obviously.

So how do I put this behind me and stop getting upset and irritated with her? Altho we have discussed this once I do try to hide my feelings re. this around her.

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 29/01/2010 10:49

I think it's normal for it to bother you, it's disloyal. I would be friendly to my sister's ex boyfriends if I encountered them out and about but I would not maintain an active friendship with an ex whose affair with another woman had broken up their marriage and hurt my sister.

Is she doing it deliberately to get at you? Is she jealous of your new family and life overseas?

DecorHate · 29/01/2010 10:53

If she was friends with him before you two got together it might be understandable or if her dh/dp got very friendly with him while you were married, but otherwise I agree with ZZen...

Original poster

Annya · 29/01/2010 10:58

I am sure she is not doing it deliberately to hurt me, she can just be a bit dense/tactless sometimes. Her dh and my exh were and are still good friends - her dh was exh's best man, at new wedding, not ours! I really see that she is in a difficult position, obv her dh is not going to not see a good friend of his and she is going to be involved too, to a degree. I realise this. But I just wish she could not be quite so friendly, see them less or just, I don't know, I just wish I could stop being reminded of such a painful time every time I see MY sister.

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 29/01/2010 11:01

have you ever said that to her?

DecorHate · 29/01/2010 11:06

Were her dh and your ex friends before you and the ex got together?

I think I would have been very shocked and sad that he agreed to be best man either way really, very inconsiderate of your feelings. It is perfectly possible to be friends with someone but not necessarily condone every decision they make.

Tbh it sounds like your SIl and BIL are a bit lacking in the old moral fibre department. Or are very insecure and don't have any other friends and are clinging on to this one in spite of being disloyal to you.

newgirl · 29/01/2010 11:09

it might be an idea to say something like 'i do feel uncomfortable when you mention them although i guess i shouldnt' so at least she knows to think about what she is saying?

its tricky because if she never mentioned them it would be as if she is keeping a secret from you - at least she is being open?

thesteelfairy · 29/01/2010 11:12

I would be pissed off with this tbh. I would say, "look, not really interested in hearing snippets about exh and his new family, fine for you to be friends but I don't want to know about it."

Sorry I think it is terribly disloyal and not something for you to "put behind you".

Original poster

Annya · 29/01/2010 11:14

We had a big heart to heart about this last April and I explained to her just what had happened and how I felt, she was in tears and said how sorry she was.

I think because I had done my best to put the whole thing behind me at the time, remain on reasonable terms with my ex and then moved abroad she felt I had got over it all and perhaps wasn't even very upset by it all. I guess that's the danger of putting on a brave face!

She has been aware over the years of my unhappiness with her friendship with exh etc. but I guess she didn't realise the depth of it. But now it is a bit too late, they have been on hols together and have various friends in common etc.

I would never ask her to cut them out of her life but I guess I would just like to feel it is not just me having to suck up all this crap all the time.

OP posts:

Original poster

Annya · 29/01/2010 11:18

She doesn't shove information about them down my throat, it's just they never seem that far away, iyswim.

They look after my sister dogs when they go away, for example. They were at another friend's party - which I didn't realise - and when I asked who'd taken my sister kids home, she said exh and w. Not big stuff, just always lurking. Of course, I am probably being oversensitive...

OP posts:

thesteelfairy · 29/01/2010 11:27

I don't think you are being oversensitive. I would not be friends with anyone who had treated any member of my family badly. Would you say it is perhaps more her dh who is friends rather than her? If she is a genuine person maybe she just wants to keep you informed of their friendship so you don't think she is being sneaky about it. Is that a possibility? (trying to see things in a good light here).

greenday · 29/01/2010 11:37

It would bother me too. I think it's disloyal and disrespectful. I couldn't do something like that to my family and close friends. And if I were in a difficult middle-man position, I would keep the information and updates to myself and to a very minimum, and only answer if asked.

Could you say something like 'I am not interested to hear about ex-h' in a lighthearted but serious sort of way, whenever she brings it up?

Original poster

Annya · 29/01/2010 11:39

It is more her dh, I don't think she alone would have stayed friends. But the upshot is they spend the weekend with exh and vice versa cos my sis didn't want her dh to just be friends alone, if that makes sense.

I mean obviously she shouldn't have to choose between her dh and me but I feel she could have said 'look dh your friends are your business but I don't want to be involved' or something like that. But I guess she didn't want to miss out on the fun.

OP posts:

diddl · 29/01/2010 11:42

Why can´t her husband be friends with your exh without her or new wife being dragged in?

Original poster

Annya · 29/01/2010 11:43

My feelings exactly, diddl

OP posts:

ZZZenAgain · 29/01/2010 11:48

if this has been going on for six years now, it may be awkward for her to disengage herself. However if you were my sister and told me openly what you have told us here about how it continues to affect you and what you would have preferred her to do, that is what I personally would still do.

Why don't you tell her all that? You had aheart to heart to try and tell her what you felt but you didn't quite get it all out and backtracked a bit with your understanding of her/her situation and wanting to be fair and decent etc.

Sometimes it isn't the best thing to hide your feelings too much if it means being trapped in a hurtful place. Tell her how it is for you and what you would have liked and how it is an ongoing hurting and troubling thing. If she continued to maintain a close personal friendship herself with this OW and her your ex, if she continued speaking to you about them when you see her , if she still doesn't change anything, it would be strange.

I know you probably didn't want anything trickling back to ex and him knowing anything about what he says or does has the power to hurt you but I think it's all quite horrible for you. Try and change it somehow

Original poster

Annya · 29/01/2010 11:54

Thank you zz, it is nice to hear I am not being unreasonable.

OP posts:

diddl · 29/01/2010 12:00

I agree with ZZZenAgain that there are times when you have to be polite to someone.

But you don´t have to actively seek them out!

mampam · 29/01/2010 12:30

There is no way that I would still be friends with my sister's exH and his wife when they had cheated on her and caused her an awful lot of pain. I'm sorry but I find this very strange.

I've been cheated on and it's bad enough that I still have to see exH and his wife (OW) because of DC's. I am polite for sake of DC's and would expect friends/family to do the same but if a member of my family were still pally pally with them after all the hurt, humiliation and pain they have caused me I would be very upset indeed.

SolidGoldBrass · 30/01/2010 12:34

Sorry but I think you are being unreasonable. Your feelings are your probloem, no one else's. You are now happily remarried. Doesn;t it just go to show that you and your XP were not right for each other anyway?
OK you could make everyone else's lives all about you and your past traumas, but it would be more dignified, more grwon up and actually better for you to just get over it. Holding a self-pitying grudge for years on end hurts you more than other people.

harimosmummy · 30/01/2010 12:42

I agree with Solidgoldbrass

I'm sorry but the world isn't all about you and you alone.

When DH and I went through a bit of a rough patch, my BIL (who is as close as a brother to me) made it clear that he and my Dsis would continue to see DH.

They were friends for the decade before that (yes, through me) why should that end simply because of something that doesn't involve them?

I find it harder to accept that people totally uninvolved in a relationship should be expected to cut a friend out of their life on someone else's command

(I appreciate that you're not demanding it, but it bothers you... I think you need to work through YOUR emotions instead of expecting others to modify theirs)

screamingskull · 30/01/2010 12:46

sorry but i agree with Solidgoldbrass and harimosmumy.

but do agree with you that you are not really interested in what your ex does. could you maybe ask your sister to stop talking about him to you?

picmaestress · 31/01/2010 10:14

I think she's being a bit insensitive to mention it so much, but I think it's one of those things you might have to put up with, if she's not capable of remembering that it's hurtful to you.
Life isn't always easy or fair. Sorry, sounds a bit harsh, but I speak as someone whose sister is married to exDH's brother. We all just have to get on with it, and it's fine. Hurtful at times, yeah, but what can you do? There's a certain amount of getting on with life and dealing with those moments of slight pain with, oh I dunno, just peace and dignity.

It stings and you think 'yep, there it is!'. And then get on with your day.

yama · 31/01/2010 10:21

Annya, referring to your thread title - you may be over him but perhaps you are not over the hurt he caused you.

By the way, my sister's long term boyfriend cheated on her. They met through me. I cut him off.

dollius · 31/01/2010 21:22

Completely disagree with SGB et al. There is a big difference between thinking the world should revolve around you and being unhappy about your sister going on holiday with your exH who is now married to the woman he left you for.

Ivykaty44 · 31/01/2010 21:24

you tell your dear sister, I would rather you didn't keep bring up my past, and by that I mean my ex. I really like to keep him in my pas and leave him there and when you mention him and his wife I feel like my past keep comings up.

i am sure you will understand and didn't realsie that it effects me.

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