jealous son

[Tuzz]

I've been in a relationship with a widower for 3 years now. Things have been quite up and down, and last year we separated for a short while. However, for the last 6 months things have been really stable and although I don't live with them I spend most evenings/weekends at their home.
The difficulty is that his son, now 11, has become very unhappy. He is in tears at night when his father puts him to bed. He feels jealous I get attention from his Dad and this makes him feel left out. We try to do things together, his Dad and he always get time alone but often he opts to spend time with his friends.
I feel very sad that my relationship is causing so much pain for both father and son.
I'm worried that leaving and giving them space lets the son see that he can dictate our realtionship but if I continue to be around the son will resent me for stealing his father away.
What can I do?

I don't know Tuzz... sounds tricky

there is a step-parent section here somewhere too you may get more er, specialised help... I'll go search it out

here it is

Hi Tuzz, this little boy has lost his mommy - he is hurting, so he is bound to strike out and act up - whether it is with you or with someone else, he is going to do it, so do not take it personally.

If you love the dad very much, then try to stick it out - once the boy realises that you are not there to replace his mommy, he will eventually accept you.

I know it is not an easy situation to be in, but I am sure that if you give him his space and his dad is loving, but strict with him, that he will accept you as part of the family.

Good luck.

Do you think I should try and talk to his son about how he is feeling or let the Dad handle it?
I feel terrible at the moment and haven't really spoken to my partner about what i can do to support them.

I don't think that you should be the one to speak to him Tuzz - you are a threat to him at the moment. His dad should speak to him, but like most men, I would imagine that he is not good at emotional stuff and will avoid it all costs! If your partner cannot talk to him, then maybe ask a granny or an uncle he really admires to speak to him - not about his behaviour, but about coming to terms with the loss of his mommy and about coping on a day to day basis.

I think the best way to go about everything is just to 'be' there. Be kind, but firm, understanding, but don't allow him to be manipulative.

Maybe find out what his favourite computer game is and put it next to his computer without him seeing - he will ask his dad if he had got it for him and dad will say no - he will then know that it came from you and even though he probably won't thank you for it, it will show him that you have an interest in him, without making a big fuss (boys hate fuss!).

By now, you probably know what his favourite meals are - treat him every now and then by making it.

Find out what the latest craze is in pre-teen fasion wear - sneak it into his cupboard.

It doesn't have to all be about material things - arrange with your partner to have one or 2 photos of his late partner framed - put one in the boy's room and one in the family room - she is not a threat to you, she is gone.

When he wants to go to friends, quietly offer to take him - let him play the music very loud in the car.

Little things like that.