enough is enough vs right thing to do?

[happysadconfused]

Hello. First time posting here for me, have been a visitor and lurker for quite some time, you ladies are all so honest and helpful, and being a bit lost and confused right now, thought I might run this by you.
Situation is I've just left my partner of 15 years and taken our dc with me, who is three, and we are staying with my mum.
I feel happy and relieved some of the time, and I feel different now I've made the break, I feel like 'me' again. Although this 'break' feels very fragile, as if it's just pretend almost.
Background is: he's not abusive, and day to day I love him as a person and friend and my dc's father, but I have no desire for him as I feel slowly but surely it's been whittled down over the years by his 'darker' side. He can get very angry, and shout and get very loud. He has always had these episodes since we've been together, but I always used to sit them out, wait until he came out of the other side, then carry on as normal, til the next time. Since I have had our dc, something hads changed in me. I'm am more confident, I have more self worth, and each time it's happened since I've been a mum, I've felt myself getting more and more fed up and angry at him for it! Especially when it happens in front of dc, and I get told to piss/fuck off in front of dc too which makes it ten times worse. Over the last year or so, I've been having sex with him, if I've honest out of a sense of duty, not desire on my part, most of the time anyway, and he needs it to be happy. After the last but one 'dark episode' I left for a night, and came back to talk, but it's been even more difficult to feel intimate with him since then, I just don't want to, and this has caused the latest blow up, and I left yesterday. Haven't spoken to him since.
Now, as I said I feel relieved and confident sometimes, looking forward to being 'me' again, then I feel sick sometimes (like now), I feel sorry and sad for us and him too, I really don't want to hurt him, and I feel really bloody gutted about taking my dc away form their family and home and familiar life (preschool etc as we are 1/2 hour away) and worried the effect this will have on my baby who loves their 'home and family'.
Don't quite know what I'm looking for really. Does this sound like a good reason to change everyones lives for ever? Am I just confused and a bit depressed maybe, not thinking straight?
There are loads of other factors too, but here is the founder problem, for me anyway. I'm quite sure he would see things quite differently.
Bloody hell, didn't mean it to be so long. Started out not knowing what to write....

Are you able to get him to leave your house? I also left with my DS when he was 2.5. He loved his house and family etc. so I made sure that he would still see family. I think that your DC would be happier in a safe, secure, peaceful environment and not having to listen to his Dad ranting and swearing at his Mum, to be honest.....

Your emotions will be up and down, but if the emotion that you're feeling the most is relief, then you know you've done the right thing....

Er - 'not abusive'? Oh yes he is. Shouting and swearing and insisting on sex is definitely abuse.
I think lemonylemon has a point - is it possible to make him leave the house? whose name is it in? If it;s joint ownership/tenancy you might still be able to get him out as it is your DS' home and your DS has a right to live in his own home without an aggressive man there.

He shouts & swears and in front of your youngster.

He´s being abusive to both of you.

And having sex when you don´t want to.

Why?

What would happen if you didn´t.

Sounds as if you are well out of it tbh.

Does it have to be you who leaves?
That said, if the house would need to be sold then it doesn´t really matter who leaves, does it?

"not abusive" - ? oh yes he is...and you will see that...

if child is only 3 dont worry, he will be fine.
really, he will get used to new friends etc.

stay away from him.

go see a solicitor.

let him ask for contaft with the child. have it supervised by someone else, not you, in a public place.

men like this get nasty once they see what they losing...

This would be ideal for my dc tbh, I realise that, so he has as little disruption as possible. But I'm not working, he is paying all the bills and mortgage etc, with no money whatsoever left over each month, so there's no way he could afford to keep two households going, can't afford this one really. At the moment things are very fresh and feelings are high, I don't feel I can suggest this to him. He thinks this is what I want, for him to leave and for me to stay with dc, but it is not, if we do split up for good, (still saying if, so confused) I want to move nearer my family, but until things are sorted of course I would love my dc to carry on doing everything he does normally as possible. His grown up daughter also lives there, quite complicated really, don't suppose things like this are ever easy though. It's all so sad.
He's not insisting on sex as such btw, but I did feel bad if I wasn't doing that for him if that makes sense.

if i didn't have sex then he'd get pissed off I suppose. I don't want to make him out to be a monster cause he really isn't.

Yes the house needs to be sold, it needs to be sold even if we weren't splitting up.

You and the dc are better off without an angry man. A small child will get used to new surroundings and new school, etc. quite quickly it first nobody may seem very settled, but it gets better. Once mum is happy and relaxed and not waiting for the next angry bout, a child is too (really, you have plenty of reasons to have left, and good for you). I think getting closer to your family and supporters is a great and sensible idea really, your child will benefit from this, as will you.

No, none of this is easy; none of what you left sounded particularly easy or too attractive a prospect either, but at least your life is what you make it now, not what he chooses according to his mood.

imagine he was describing you to someone else and said - i have no desire for her?? You wouldnt even want him to stay with you would you?

And certainly dont worry about your dc - at such an early age they will not remember very much. I was having a chat with my eldest ds the other day and was amazed at some of the stuff he had totally forgotten about from when he was younger (some stuff from when he was 6 or 7).

Take care of yourself as it sounds as if he may make your life difficult for a while yet.

what kind of a man tells his wife to fuck off in front of a 3 year old?

what will hapen when 3 year old says "fuck off " to his nursery teacher or nursery friend becaue he thinks it's normal?

see these people who have this anger issue - are not monsters - they dont behave like that all the time...that is what makes it confusing. but you havent left coz he is "nice" have you? his outbursts are terrifying and controlling...and not nice infront of a child.

but if he really isnt a monster he will accept the choice you've made right now, agree to a trial separation and make sure you are ok for money.

Thanks so much ladies.
Most of the time I feel I'm doing the right thing, but it's still fresh, and I'm wobbling a bit! (understatement of the year!)
I've walked out on the life I've known for the last 15 years, quite scary really and bloody confusing.
But lots of kind and sensible words here, thankyou, it's appreciated and very much needed.

When I first rolled up to a Women's Aid safe-house with my wordly posessions in a Tesco carrier bag I felt like a fraud and said I hadn't "really" been abused. I felt like a fraud because I wasn't black and blue and lying in a hospital bed. I was physically abused but the marks weren't "that bad". It took me quite a while to understand that abuse is abuse.

Good luck for your future!

does he tell his boss to fuck off ?

his mother ?

his mates ?

thought not...swearing at you in front of your child is unacceptable and these "dark periods" happen when he can no longer keep up the mask of a "nice guy"

I am not surprised you are scared and confused after 15 yrs together, but you are right, something about having children changes you and the realisation hits that you are responsible for providing a safe and happy life for them

staying with an emotional and verbal abuser is not the way to do that

when your dc grows a bit and starts answering back...what will happen then ?

you are doing the right thing

Thanks for your support and advice ladies.
Feeling ok most of today, then about 1/2 hour ago WHACK,full on wierd negative feelings again, then a wave of nausia. It's familiar though, and it dawned on me, I'm in mourning.

And no Anyfucker, I do believe in the last 15 years I'm the only person in his life he's ever told to fuck off....seriously anyway.

It's not a nice guy mask though, I know him well enough to know that, but rather a side of him that appears from time to time. He has a nice side, and a bitter side.

When the bitter side is only unleashed in the privacy of home for the benefit of your LOs, you have to wonder though.

Happy, you probably are in mourning. You've left a part of your life behind. Be patient with yourself and don't start second guessing your decision. You've done a really courageous thing.

yes, you are in mourning

for what might have been and for something that never really was

so be kind to yourself...you deserve it

I agree with math...when they save their worst behaviour for you...what message is that giving us ?

Thanks you lot, been trying to be kind to myself.
Feelings today, for me, I know I'm doing the right thing for what I need/want/deserve.
Thinking back on the whole relationship I was such a wuss for most of it....It's been work from day one to be honest, not everyday, but from the beginning I've had shit to deal with, it's been work, not easy at all.
Then today my baby was with nan, and started making up songs, which he loves to do, about whatever....cars and places he's been, things we've done etc....but the chorus was 'Fuck off, I don't love you, fuck off, I don't love you' sung so sweetly and innocently, just like the verse about 'the car went round the roundabout'....how horrifying is that? feeling sick all day He asked to go home today, and has been quite sad this afternoon.
I have really done the right thing haven't I? Bless him.

very horrifying indeed

you have done the right thing

thanks for your support AF.

God yes, you have definitely done the right thing. Hopefully that sweet baby of yours will begin to recover soon. Don't worry about him asking to go home. That song shows you exactly how right you are to make a new home.

He woke up this morning at asked why we haven't been home for a long time. What do I say to him, it's so hard.

It is hard, but you and your DS need to get used to the idea that a new life is beginning. The fear does come in waves, you just have to ride it out.

To be honest, it sounds like you're still in a bit of a denial state, where you don't really believe you've been in an abusive situation. Hun, you have. It's not okay to live with someone who has a 'darker' side. It's not just a 'side', please believe me. I know. I lived with a man who had two sides, and I finally realised he was one whole person, who didn't care that I was unhappy. This kind of behaviour is not okay, and it gets worse as they get older. That is him, he just hides it from everyone else.

You are absolutely in the best situation now, where you have called time on it, and said you want and deserve a better life. And you can't carry on living with someone you don't want to have sex with. Keep the faith and good luck.

You could tell him you have a new home now, that you and he are safe together, that the old home wasn't a very good place to live, that love is what makes a home.

Maybe you could engage him in a conversation about his general feelings about his old home, feelings he may have had when he heard his father shouting, feelings of fear he may have felt.

Sometimes a child who is feeling a bit unsure about the present or even unhappy about the past will still express a desire to go 'back' to something familiar, but this is really an expression of a desire to be carefree and a desire for security, not specifically a desire to 'go back home' -- it's more an emotional state that they crave, not a certain address on a specific street.

It didn't seem to upset him at the time, the rows, in fact he was laughing the last time. But obviously, it has affected him.
And on the whole there was love in the house, we both love him so much. And as I sadi, day to day me and my partner got on, laughed together etc...
He came to visit him yesterday, just came here for an hour and left. He was fine, missing his son and wanted to see him. Apparently DS ask him why mum won't let us go back home? He's coming to see him in an hour or so too, he's missing him like hell.
gotta go, lo wants a turn on pc...

I have heard so much from my DCs after splitting from exH not immediately afterwards, but as time went on, about their memories of him that my only wish is that the split had happened a lot sooner.