Stopping the slide

[myopic]

I know there are no quick answers but hoping for a few quck tips - or maybe just sharing.

I know my situation is not uncommon but it does feel very isolating so I don't talk about it. How do I get some confidence to take control and put some spark back into my marriage?

This is a bit muddly! I was never happy with my body but I did get pretty fit for a while, then I had DS. Weight has gone up, muffin top appeared, belly that I can fold ast week's laundry into etc. Peaked at Xmas to a point whereby I decided enough was enough. Now losing it (not quickly enough for my liking but trying to do it healthily.) The warped bit is that the motivator I am using is to get back in shape in case of an affair with a guy with whom I have had a mildly flirtatious friendship for donkeys years. He has indicated he would like more and that has been a spur cos, quite franky, I would rather chew my leg off than let him see me naked!

I'm actually not planning an affair. But he sees me as a woman and I wish DH did. We rarely have sex, hardly ever really touch if I'm honest and I feel very uncomfortable him saying me naked now as I just don't see that he finds me remotely attractive.

He has a low sex drive, mine was higher but I think I've given up and my own libido has crashed.

Been married/together a long time. We've had plenty of ups and downs and we are solid but I'm not ready to be 80 yet. I want to feel good enough about myself to make him want me. How do I put him centre stage in the fantasy not the OM?

Go on, give me a decent MN kick up the arse. Please?

What's with all these men with a low sex drive? It certainly debunks the myth that men want sex as often as humanly possible.

Has he always not been very interested in sex or is it a more recent thing?
It sounds like you've both shut down sexually tbh, I do believe that if you don't "feel" sexy than you project that negativity as some kind of keep away beacon, perhaps he feels it's not worth "bothering" because you are so uninterested.
Has he noticed your attempts at losing weight? Why not buy some really nice underwear and model it for him asking him what he thinks - he could be afraid to approach you for fear of being shot down. If your cleavage is impressive he won't be looking at your tummy.
I know how being unhappy with your body drags you down btw, I managed to lose almost 2 stones last year and went from wearing granny pants to lacy boy shorts and a wonder bra, I felt ridiculous the first time I paraded in front of DH in a basque and stockings - he was used to me in sloggis and a bra vest but he vas very appreciative and I now wear slinky undies all the time - for me as much as him, it does make you feel more sexy, as does having a nice bath to get prepared with some nice smellies - if DH says "you smell lovely", I know he's a sure thing.
The only down side will be if he doesn't appreciate your efforts or it has no effect on him, that will make you feel like shit but you will know if it's a risk worth taking.
My DH is a sucker for stockings so is very easy to seduce, does your H have a preference you could use to your advantage?

I meant to say that touch is vital in bringing back the intimacy - how about some massage oils, or even just getting in the bath with him to scrub his back/wash his hair? Stroking/cuddling is so pleaurable in itself, it's as important as sex imho.

I think as a minimum, start with a kiss and cuddle when you wake up - sleeping naked really helps with intimacy and snuggling up to him if he's behind you is comforting and sexual if that makes sense. If you are behind him you can drape you arm over him and "accidentally" brush against him when stroking his tummy and if stroking his inner thighs doesn't get a response then he must be dead from the waist down .

If you make an effort and he still isn't interested, then you have to decide whether you can continue to live like that, or not.

I know, that myth really frustrates me; it really does not help as I can't help wondering, is it just me then?!

It has been a long slide really. Early years were fab (aren't they always?) we were so connected. However, there were then a couple of minor medical issues (for him, which I understood completely)which seemed to hit a trigger and I think we have then jsut trickled gradually apart. You are spot on that I think we have both just shut down and that I send out negative signals (he gets irritated that I am so self-conscious with him naked, "touch but don't look" but I hate that I do that. I'm really afraid of rejection. It has happened enough times.

He does know I am trying to lose weight but is less appreciative than wary (eating disorder a million years ago so he takes a dim view of me having weight hang-ups).

I just need to risk it again I guess. (I used to wear stockings as a matter of course but I can't now get rid of the mental image of sausages bursting their skins!!) Perhaps I should use valentines day as a spur and drink bubbly dutch courage beforehand. I think this has to be in my hands to fix before there is no going back.

x posted. I agree about the stroking and cuddling. If anything I think I miss that more than the sex.

I'll try the morning thing - might get a window of time before DS barges in demanding the toilet....

At least the fantasy thing seems to be working on my weight loss.

I was a different person 18 months ago - I felt fat, miserable, negative and very unattractive/unsexy - my DH never made me feel like that, it was all in my head, he's always fancied me and loved me - but I know he loves and fancies me even more now, he's been very supportive of me losing weight and tells me how fantastic I look now.

We had a bad 6 months and it made us re-evaluate our 24 year marriage, we both realised we had drifted apart and had stopped trying, we were both quite unhappy with life in general.
We had an honest, if very upseting and emotional talk, about what we needed from each other , how we needed to change ( more on my side than his tbh) and we went forward from there. I can honestly say we've never been stronger and happier, sex is far far better than at any point on the past 20 years and it was like starting again.

You can re-light the fire, I hope your efforts are worth it.

Anne summers do nice stockings for chunky legs btw.

The first time I dressed up for him properly, I felt like such a hefer, really , really stupid - I wore a long, chemise style basque with tiny tie sided frilly knickers, (my bum just isn't built for a thong ) and seamed stockings.
I put them on under my PJs and just let him have a feel of the suspender straps, then a little peek of the top - he just said "I think you'd better get upstairs now" and when he saw the full ensemble his jaw did drop and he told me I looked utterly gorgeous - feeling so wanted definitely gives you a boost.

I did go a bit overboard after that time though, he ended up telling me I was trying too hard and it really wasn't necessary, he wanted me not some performing monkey. So you can take it too far!

It's been over a year now and we are still having lots of sex - we went from a couple of times a month, if he was lucky, to proably every other day now - I'd be up for it every day but I wear him out.