Just found my DN on facebook and not sure what to do!

[iMum]

I have a tres complicate family. but basically it boils down to this..

I have a sister and a brother both older.
My sis has cut all contact with all her family except my nan. (who is in a home with Alzheimer's) about 4 years ago-its was a very rocky relationship before then with her always not talking to one or other of us.
I can understand why she has cut herself off to some degree-she has never got on with mum and dad has always been a bit piggy in the middle.
To be fair tho she had a good upbringing, mum just wasnt as loving as ds would have liked and oh i dont know my folks like anyones are not perfect but I would ever cut ties-I know they love me even tho they are sometimes crap.
I have been dragged into this by association-no fallings out as such I think she just found it easier to cut ties with all. eg the first year of no contaact I did take xmas pressies round for the children but was late told by her dh that they never gave them to the kids.)
Last year I turned up on my ds doorstep after 1 previous attempt when she slamed door shut on me her dh opened the door and let me in.
After weeks of painful talks there was a tense "relationship" there but it boiled down to her not wanting to know anything about the family and my word not to talk to them about her or her kids.
All she talked about tho was how awful mum and dad were etc.
Then dad was diagnosed wth cancer, I ummed and ahhed over what to do-I knew my sis was in the middle of some studies so didnt want to stress her further and of course in my mind was the promise I had made to her about not talking about mum and dad.
Anyway I decided (wrongly or rightly) that if dad died and I never told her, never gave her the chance to talk with him then I would never forgive myself.
So I told her DH and left it to his judgment to tell her-he did and she hasnt spoken to me since.

Anyway she has children who I love and miss seeing, did used to come here to stay etc
Ive found my eldest nephew on facebook and have a finger hovering over "friend" but am shit scared it will all blow up in my face-it will wont it?

Ive tried to be very black and white with this but as with all family isshooos there is a huge history to mind numbing to go into.

Why are families sooo complicated!

How old is nephew? If he is still a child then you should leave it. If however he is now an adult then you could try to have a relationship with him separate to that which you have/don't have with your sister.

How old is he?

my nephew is 15 now-so on the cusp but still a child so I know it is best left well alone.

Added complications is that im "friends" on facebook with my sisters dh and he isnt with his son soooo I dont know if they know they are both on face book and then if I did friend my nephew he would find out about his dad and tell sister and then all hell would break loose for them at home!!!

or of course I could be over complicating things there!

I know-step away from facebook!!!

yes you are i agree too young to get put in the middle tbh

its just a shame you know, they are good kids and used to have such fun here with mine-my eldest son adored her kids especially.

I dunno-give it a few year maybe?

Yes. Give it until he's at least 18, so an adult in his own right - though still a child in many ways, so the situation may still be hard for him to handle. I wouldn't take it personally if you can't get anywhere with him.

Listen, the last thing I want to do is push my own agenda on you but I think your sister might become more amenable to you in time.

I was the one in my family who bore the brunt of parental crap: the 'scapegoat' in therapy parlance. Like millions of others in my position, I was mega-shocked when I started to realise what my childhood had been like (most people airbrush their history to an extent). In order to start getting my head around it, I did a lot of research on the topic and undertook some psychological work to remember some of the things that happened.

During this period I was very adamant about having my discoveries confirmed by other family members. It made thing uncomfortable between us - their memories weren't the same as mine, of course, though we agreed on certain overall parenting malfunctions, shall we say. The really difficult part about this was they'd say "It wasn't all that bad" but then realise it had been that bad for me. So they felt bad. And then I felt bad, because it's not my job to tell them what to remember about their own childhoods! Gah!

I'm not sure, but I suspect this is why a lot of 'scapegoated' people cut contact with their fellow sufferers. It's a shame, perhaps, because having to see somebody close to you being victimised is traumatic in itself.

Anyway, what I wanted to tell you was this: Once I'd been doing 'proper' therapy for a while I became sure enough, in my own mind, of what happened so I no longer 'needed' the others to confirm it for me. For some reason that gave them confidence - they started to tell me about things they remembered, which was very helpful as I'd blocked nearly everything out; if I added up my childhood memories, they'd come to less than a week!
Result: I got help with my process; bros & sis back on friendly terms; easier discussion of ongoing family problems. All good

It's possible that your sister would respond well to your confirmation & sympathy for her unpleasant childhood. If you don't want to or can't do that for her, you may well find she eases up as she moves along with her recovery. Either way, I hope it works out. You don't get too many sisters to the pound.

Oops, didn't mean to write an essay

Thank you lovey, I am heartbroken really that I have no relationship with my sister-there are so many things I admire greatly about her. I know my childhood was ok-but not one I'd want for my children. Ive never doubted my parents love for me and I think it is that part os my personality that has helped me deal with the crapier elements of my family life. My sis tho is very sensitive and as I'm sure she would admit a grudge bearer.
We have never gotten on, nver had a great sisterly relationship as with her being 10 years older than me all ive know is her not getting on with anyone. My folks hae always said that the reason for this was that I was born and she was jealous-when I push that maybee they handled my arrival badly with regard to my sister they shy away it all.

As parent we can only ever do what we thinkis right at the time-whilst I question much of my mothers own parenting techniques I'm sure she never set out to be cold, she was just wrapped up in that kind of parenting you know-baby in the pram down the end of the garden while she did the housework-mum will admit to having a victorian approach to being a mother. I dont recall family outings as such but I know we went on holidays to florida etc and to all intents and purposes were a happy family.

Dad is a very generous man, was fortunate to be wealthy (before I was born, lost it all then!) and lavished my sis and bro with whatever they wanted, he saw this as proof of his love etc but with time he is and always has been neglectful-worked to hard and played hard too.

My mum and dads relationship was very rocky indeed but they worked through it all so hats off to them.

For my sister tho I suspect the problem is a basic on and will sound awful but here goes.

My mum adores my dad and is very needy of him. I think that when my sis came along (1st born) she was perhaps jealous of how besotted he was with her, it was not long after this the affairs began so I guess this affirmed that she wasnt enough for him in her eyes.

My ss and my mum have never ever got on and things have flitted up and down between her and my dad also. They have had group councilling together but it centred around my sister questioning their (mum and dads)relationship troubles and how she felt mum had no self respect for taking dad back time and time again.
Naturally I suppose for the type of character my mum is she withdrew and would discuss these issues. so the sessions stopped.

I know mum and dad are flawed like all people but listening to both sides of the storiesI get the picture that there is fault on all sides but not enough will to forgive and forget-with each attempt at a reconcilliation there is "but you did this" and "you did that" going on regarding years ago-there needs to be a line drawn under the past but neither my mum nor my sister are willing to do it.

I have suggested to my mum that perhaps all my sis needs to hear is that my mum loves her and is sorry for not loving her enough (demonstratively speaking) as a child but my mum sees that as an admission of guilt and so wont contemplate it.

There is so so much water under the bridge and so much hurt on both sides now that I cant see a reconcilliation at all, and as for if sis will ever be able to puts things aside and build a relationship with me-I doubt it - she is stubbourn as a mule!

Heh, imum, glad to hear she's stubborn! You hear quite a lot of braying in my corner, too

Thanks for your reply. It is probably unlikely that your sis will reconcile with your parents, tbh. We all deal with this stuff in different ways; I have a relationship with my Mum (Dad's dead) but have to keep her at arm's length. Her identity seems to be predicated on my "being a problem" to an extent. Interestingly, she also admits to sexual jealousy of me (from babyhood, as with your sister!) so maybe the "difficult child" thing is her attempt to defuse my supposed powers. I wonder how much of that your sister would relate to?

It's very hard to buck against the belief that we must love our parents, flawed as they are, and that families must unite. Even so, history and mythology overflow with sibling rivalries, inappropriate parental behaviour and the rest - which goes to show how universal the experience is! Even God preferred Abel to Cain, kicking off a nasty case of fratricide.

That story dramatises the way favouritism can lead to children from the same family becoming typecast in different roles. It's actually very likely that you received preferential treatment, your sister having been pre-selected as the 'problem' child. Because of this, her upbringing may have been very different from yours in more ways than you realise - although yours was problematic, too. When you try to justify (or, at least, understand) your parents' behaviour, you could be inadvertently suggesting her memories are wrong; her feelings invalid. That's hard to take.

I could be missing a huge point here - your sister may be mentally unwell, or have some other condition that affects her relationships - but I think it could be worth your trying to let her know you're willing to really listen to what she has to say, and to offer emotional support.
Up to you, of course. It's very nice of you to care about it

I would wait at least a few years before contacting your nephew tbh.

Your sister's childhood will have been a very different experience to your own. Right from the beginning she was viewed as "the competition" for your dad's affections.

I hope I'm not sounding too critical when I say this because it's obvious that you care about your sister, but I wonder if over the years the family has fallen into a habit of criticising your sister's personality:

"My sis tho is very sensitive and as I'm sure she would admit a grudge bearer."

"My folks hae always said that the reason for this was that I was born and she was jealous"

"she is stubbourn as a mule!"

I can't help wondering if this is the kind of thing your sister has been hearing throughout her life from her family.

I sincerely hope that the two of you (and her children) can be reunited one day but for now I think you need to give her time to work through things in her own way.

Good luck, iMum.