crisis

[pseudoforthis]

I've just found out that my SIL, who has late-stage MS, has been cheated on by her dh, who happens to be my dd's godfather. Not that that has any great importance atm. I feel shocked to the core & need to talk about it. My dh is heartbroken but in his way, & being very British about it - showing the wonderful (how do you do it?) stiff upper lip. I can understand the frustration of my BIL but how could he be so stupid as to let my SIL find out? I want to phone or send her a message of support but haven't the words, or the guts, to do so. My SIL found out about her condition when trying to conceive. This was about 15 years ago. She has progressive MS, much worse than relapsing/remitting. They were both very sporty, excellent tennis & golf players. A few years ago, SIL tried to commit suicide in a way that meant business - NOT a cry for help. We were all horrified but I understood her logic, if you can call it that. But this is the worst. What to do, how to help? How can life be so cruel? I know there are so many tragedies - as some of us know better than others - but I just can't be objective enough to be of any use, I feel. What's worse is that they want my PIL to be told - they are in their 90s! Why?? My dh says it is their choice but I maintain there is absolutely nothing to be gained by telling them. It may even kill them. Your thoughts would be much appreciated.

please!

Geez what an unholy mess for you to deal with. I feel sooo sorry for your SIL - I think the nicest thing is to give her some support. Just something to show you're thinking of her. SHe's going to be feeling pretty awful at the moment aside from having her illness. (UNDERSTATEMENT I know!)
Just WHY do they want the PIL to know? WHo's crazy idea is that? That will distress the PIL too much and surely won't achieve anything except pain for everyone. Or does SIL want PIL to know so they stop thinking that he's the "perfect son" looking after his sick wife.
How did BIL let SIL find out ? Is BIL full of remorse ?
I can understand why you feel so bewildered by this.

MN must be v. busy tonight or all of you must be extremely hard-hearted

I think everyone must be very busy -
its a right old mess - I think pinkfs is right - why on earth should the pil's know
it'll help noone
Are you close to SIL - you could just call her and listen.
I find it massively difficult to approach tricky sitatuions of affairs of the heart so I'm not really the person to speak but i do see your pain and difficulty.
I think the best bet for you is to call round - my answer often lies towards the end of a bottle of wine but whatever works for you... she needs someone to talk to and perhaps you can open the door..
Perhaps just phoning her and asking about the weather - its normally a lot easier to have some kind of conversation than you expect it to ... and just be prepared for tears and to say supportive words..
perhaps find out about local councillors or something so that you have something concrete to offer?

Just don't ignore her. It is like a bereavement and too many people say nothing if they don't know what to say. If all else fails; tell her you do not know what to say. Good luck.

Hi pseudo...

I'm sorry you haven't had much response tonight; it looks spookily quiet on the discussion boards, so please don't take the relative silence to heart.

I know that there are other MNetters out there that are far better equipped to respond, but here, for now, are a couple of my thoughts:

• I think the decision to tell your PIL is out of your hands. As terrible a decision as you think it might be, I would detach from getting too involved in it, and simply be there to assist in any way you can if and when you're needed.

• As for your SIL, maybe fewer words mean more. How about simply visiting, letting her know that you know, giving her a hug (if it's appropriate; sometimes hugs speak so much more than words), asking her if there's anything you can do ... and then giving her the space to react in any way that she wants. "Holding space" for someone in this way can be very powerful, if you're able to manage your own feelings. Even if you're not, by simply cutting back on words, you're giving whatever needs to come out an opportunity to do so.

Does this help at all?

Thinking of you and your family.

Go and see her, or phone her. She will know you find it really difficult, but you have to put that aside for the moment and just support her. However you feel, she will feel a million times worse.

Nothing to be achieved by telling PIL's but that may be her idea, and I don't think it's your place to stop that if that's what they decide, you can advise but be prepared it might happen anyway.

Whatno said it so much better than I did!

pseudo, MN seems very quiet tonight, I was just about to comment on that in chat

although, tbh, you didn't wait very long for any replies

as regards your dilemma, it is bloody awful and not sure what you can do really

how close are you to your SIL and why wouldn't you "have the guts" to approach her ?

I would ring her and ask if there is anything you can do, she may want to just talk it out

even if she doesn't want to talk, she will remember that you showed your concern in a concrete way

don't expect her to somehow "know" how upset you are for her...tell her

however, as is usual in such messes, there will be more to this than you are aware of, so keep an open mind while making it clear you are there for her

all the best x

My SIL reacted badly when dh announced our engagement... apparently said "Are you mad?!" when dh told her. Obviously as newly engaged SIL to be, I didn't take her reaction terribly well. She was probably right, tho. I'm not exactly Miss SR, all jolly hockey sticks, etc. Anyway, I got over that - really quickly when I heard of her diagnosis, added to the fact that she miscarried several times!

We're still not "close" - dh her favourite sibling & only brother, both of them groove on cricket, rugby & just about any other sport you'd care to name. I like tennis & that's about it!

Anyway, in the past year we've started chatting on the phone about this, that & the other. Great laughs & all; I love her absolute refusal of self-pity and how she makes a joke of being sent into care (the kennel, she calls it!) when her dh goes away. We don't ever discuss my dc, of course but there are loads of other topics that interest both of us.

Since I last posted, I sent her an email, saying how sorry I am & am thinking of her... usual blah-blah but truly meant! I asked her to let me know if she felt like having a chat but that if I didn't hear from her, no problem, I will understand.

Can't sleep, obviously. Can't stop asking WHY has she had so much to take on & now this. Want to string BIL up by his wrinkly ballocks but also see that not having sex for years & years must be pretty harsh. But why not see a tart, fgs?! Anyway, I digress...

What a horrible thing to happen. how did she find out if you dont mind me asking? What stage is your SIL at re MS. does she need carers, or is your bil perform personal care? Please feel free to tell me to mind my own if i'm prying!

You say 'they' - presumably meaning both BIL and SIL - want to tell his parents. Is this some sort of public shaming agreed to by BIL as the price of saving his marriage, or is it that they are in fact splitting up over this issue? Also, you mention the fact that BIL has had sex elsewhere, and your DH's feelings and yours, but you don't mention what the SIL has communicated about her feelings - has she said anything to you about how she feels or is everything coming to you and your H via third parties. She may be dreadfully hurt, she may be accepting of it, she may even want the marriage to end in order to 'set BIL free' and this may have been a catalyst.
So don't do anything until you know more, don;t take it upon yourself to tell anyone else anything until you have heard from your SIL; by all means call her and ask how she is but remember that ultimately the decisions about her and BIL's relationship are up to them and not the rest of the family.

pseudo, you obviously care very much and I think you need to get your own feelings in order before you can be of any help to your SIL, if she wants it.

Your anger, confusion and pity ring clearly in your posts and FWIW, exposure to these strong emotions, on top of her own, might be quite difficult for your SIL at this time.

Frustrating as it may be, try to stay out of the PIL decision, your SIL is entitled to autonomy.

Plenty of people manage to care for a seriously ill or dying spouse without resorting to the vile and unforgivable behaviour of shagging someone else!

I couldn't post last night because I was too angry on your SIL's behalf - I do agree that involving aging parents serves no purpose at all, I take it SIL is your husband's sister?

I can't quite believe that someone would actually do that, let alone tell their partner what they've done, and I usually believe in total honesty!

If it was my BIL, he'd never be welcome in my house again I'm afraid, there is absolutely no excuse, it's even more cowardly than walking away permanently.

I agree that my emotions are running too high atm to be of much use.

My SIL is incapable of any independent movement except to push the buttons to operate her wheelchair or log on to the internet. She is completely dependent on carers, (and up until now, her h) to keep her fed, bathed, help her to the toilet, put her to bed, get her up, everything. Her speech is now somewhat slurred, she can't write. Her mind works perfectly, though. Sharp as a tack.

Apparently they decided to issue a joint statement to close family and friends via email.

My FIL has been bed-ridden these past two weeks with an irregular heartbeat. He's already had a heart attack some years ago. Both FIL & MIL are staunch Catholics. I believe that such news would finish one or both of them off. I can't bear to think of such selfishness.

Just thinking about this from the BIL's viewpoint -

I normally take a really strong stance on infidelity but this one is tricky. It must have been massively difficult for the BIL to deal with supporting his wife through miscarriages, a suicide attempt and such a severe and debilitating illness. No, that doesn't excuse him cheating on her, and I'm not condoning his actions at all, but he must have been under immense stress and might not have been behaving rationally. Difficult for any of us to judge as we'll never know.

I don't think you should necessarily write him off because he's behaved badly, at some point he will need support too and possibly this affair was a misguided way of him getting it. I bet all the support has been directed towards his DW in the past (rightly so), and possibly nobody has asked him how he's doing. Whether you can ever give it, depends on how closely he's linked to you through the BIL connection ie ie if he's your DH's brother, or not..

Again, I'm so sorry for your SIL, and there's no doubt this is a horrible thing to have happened, on top of so many others, but I'd let the shock process before you say anything in haste or condemn the BIL. I hope this doesn't upset you, (I've been on the receiving end of infidelity on top of other very trying circumstances so know how awful it is) it's just another way of looking at the situation.

I'm very sorry for your SIL's illness. But you say that she and BIL 'decided to issue a joint statement to close family and friends' - apparetnly. Are you not close enough family and friends to have read this statement? Because, again, your post is all about your feelings, not SIL's, which makes me wonder if your SIL is in fact accepting of the situation whereas you are not accepting of her reaction to it.
It;s not unheard of for people with long-term illnesses to encourage a partner to seek sex elsewhere: caring for someone who is very ill, over a very long time, is extremely draining and it's understandable for a person in this situation sometimes to want some 'escape time'.

Totally second that snowpoint.

God knows how I'd cope or what I'd do if I was in BIL's shoes. Maybe I'd find myself forming connections elsewhere, I'm sure it's a very old story.

I agree, let the dust settle before making any harsh pronouncements about anybody.

And on the PILs thing, take a step back. It won't be your decision to make, and could go very badly if you try to stop them.

No, my SIL & I aren't close (if you read my previous posts, that is quite clear). It doesn't prevent me from caring for her & vice-versa. We had started to talk over the phone this past year and share our passion for tennis.

My SIL is extremely close to my dh. They are 4; 3 girls, 1 boy and F, the SIL in question, is the sister my dh is closest to. All info on his family comes to me through him. They are all almost a generation older than I & have already seen dh married once. He has 2 dds, in their early 30s, from this previous marriage.

Today's update is that this affair is not a one-off & that F is so angry that she wants her PIL to understand that her h is not the angel he has had them believe. I sympathize but still think telling them is a very bad idea. F is apparently considering divorce. So no, this was not a pre-arranged deal.

I do feel very sorry for my BIL but think he should have done everything in his power to keep his extramarital activities secret. Something tells me he actually wanted F to know so that she might kick him out, thereby freeing him from what can only be a "difficult" marriage. Cowardly but so human! The marital vow of "In sickness & in health" takes on a fearful irony. He must be in agony, too.

OK thanks for the info. I think TBH there is nothing you can do but stand back. It's a dreadful situation for all concerned but your SIL and BIL have to sort it out for themselves.

Your SIL is bound to feel really bitter at her lot at the moment, that is totally normal and understandable. She will go through all kinds of emotions, and may not always act rationally to start with. It might be really clear to you that it's a bad idea to tell your PIL's but she obviously needs to do it, for whatever reason.

Just be there for her if she needs you, there's little else you can do. The BIL must be in turmoil with the guilt too. What a sad situation all round.

The PIL were told today & apparently took it well, ie bravely. Can't say I'm surprised, even if they are in their 90s. Perhaps that's why - seen so much, maybe after all those years nothing really surprises one anymore! No, I think it's just the sort of people they are. Anyway.

BIL has planned trip to sunny climes with mistress & fully intends to follow through with this. Wants to come to some sort of "arrangement" with poor F. Bastard.

What a low life scummy excuse for a man, that's all I can say really - I hope his dick drops off.
There is no excuse, ever, yes he's had an awful, awful time of it but so what?
He would have got his life back when she dies, but he couldn't even be bothered to wait.
Bastard.