Looking for answers

[Cheryllou]

My husband of 18 years walked out last March, saying there was no spark in our relationship and that he had met someone else at work he had fellings for. We Have two very young children. Since that time time he has continued to come back, saying he is deeply confused, but desperately wants us to work. He gives it a few weeks then buggers off again. the latest was this Sunday, when, haveing promised me he loved me and that he wouldn't leave me again, reiterated there was no spark. I am so confused as to why he keeps coming back - each time it is like another punchand this time I am on the floor with grief as I really thought things were going to be okay and that we could enjoy the family life we had planned out. Now all I can see is pain, heartache, loneliness, financial difficulties and worst of all jealousy of everyone who has got the normal family I want for my kids. I want answers - I am good person and a good wife and we had a great relationship in all ways but sex - he was never interested - and I know I am attractive-ish.

Why am I writing? I guess I just want a bit of support from those whohave gone/are ging through a split and some help in rationalising it - I keep praying to God to give me my life back because I really can't face life without my partner, I'm so scared of being on my own and doubt my ability to raise my girls without screwing them up. Why is this happening to me? Feeling very why me today

So sorry cheryllou. I think, horribly difficult though it must be, you need to start looking after yourself now, you can't keep going through this turmoil while he makes his mind up between you and someone else. What gives him the right to treat you this way? He has all the power at the moment, and you need to take it back.

Go and see a solicitor (most do free initial appointments) and find out where you stand. If you have any financial documents in your home, take copies of them all and keep them in a safe place.

Once he realises that a potential divorce will be no picnic, and that you mean business, it might bring him to his senses. Hopefully by that point you will have realised you can and will cope alone, and you don't need someone like him. Believe me, being on your own is far easier than going through the endless cycle of him leaving and coming back.

How old are your dd's?

Aww mate, time to break free really, don't keep letting him come in and out of your life like this.

Not fair for him to do this to you.

Sound like he will just go when something better takes his fancy, knowing he can always come back. I am sure that this is the most crushing feeling ever and if it was me I am not sure I would have the courage to not take him back but you musn't.

You really need to concentrate on yourself and getting your confidence and your life back, set yourself little goals and achievable ones so that each time you achieve something you are actually getting better.

Having your chap come in and out of your life will only confuse your children more. If they know he isn't going to be there then there is some sort of consistency.

Not good for their stability if mum and dad don't get on and dad is back and fore. If mum is happy even if she is on her own then that has got to be better.

Im so sorry to hear that you are going through all this. It is the scariest thing in the world to contemplate being alone, the affects this will have on your children and how to even begin sorting finaces etc. I have been trying to sort all this out for almost a year now and although it is getting easier everytime something else gets ticked off it is still exhausting. My little boy has coped fairly well with it all but there are still those heart breaking moments. The thing is that he is happier now as he doesnt live in a suspicious war zone anymore.

I guess what I want to say is that I hope it doesnt come to it and that you can work things out but please dont settle for being with someone who says there is no spark... How bland... It cant be doing your self esteem much good. If it does come to splitting up, it will be tough and very upsetting but you can get through it.

I'm so much happier now and so is my little boy. Sorry if rambleing..... Good luck

Thanks guys, I know this is what I have to do, but it's so hard it goes against everything I believe in or want for our future. Girls are 41/2 and 2 1/2 and gorgeous!.

he is not a bastard - he is very upset by this and just wants to do the right thing fo the longterm and want sus to be together but seems unable to love me in the way he used to. That's what I'm really struggling with - I feel that since I've had the kids and they are now a bit easier and i have a new part time job i am much more interesting, more attractive and far more easy going than I ever was. And even that's not enough to keep him interested.

We always have a great tiem with the kids, so I know they are going to be really hurt at us not being together - it all seems so unfair i just want to know why?????

Hi Cheryllou, I think I remember you from the threads back in March last year, my DH had also upped and left (for OW as it turned out). I was fortunate that mine saw the error of his ways fairly quickly and we got in counselling to understand what had happened to him, me and the marriage.

Have you been to counselling, together or alone. I would recommend it even if you go on your own - I booked an initial appointment for myself, alone, at Relate and by the time it came around my DH asked if he could come too. At the time I thought my marriage was over but I was so screwed up by what had happened my solicitor recommended that I went.

You really do need to take control, try and detach yourself from him as much as possible to protect yourself from further hurt and start making plans for a future without him. If he wants to come back again, you have to put strict criteria on it (and maybe you won't even want him back after a bit of counselling - my counsellor actually told me I had to decide how much I was going to put up with).

It sounds like you have already made changes to yourself to improve your self esteem, like getting a job etc and you know you are worth more than this.

Good luck.

My job is my saviour to be honest - it's only 2 days a week and it is tremendously stressful getting 2 little to the childminder before getting in, but it reminds me there are other adults out there and that other people have far bigger problems than mine (I work for a newspaper and there are some vile stories at the moment...)

The future and the past is where I'm really struggling - it's the old cliche, every song has a meaning, every familiar site has a memory. And as for the future I'm terrified. I really thought he was my rock - I hate my own company and it's never so much fun going on holiday (not that I could afford it now...sob...)or doing things with the kids as it is with a partner is it? Plus I don't know which way to turn - I've already been to a solicitor (which incidentally is when he came back last time after that) and did a load of Relate sessions on my own last year - they did help so might take that advice on board. We are actually awaiting an appointment back from them and I am just sorry we didn't go to iron out the issues together.

Anyway,even after all the nastyness, even feeling very unloved (which is surely the worst feeling in the world) I just want him to stop being silly, see that we have been happy 9he seems to have totally rewritten our marriage unless I'm totally dense) and I want come home as I do want to forgive and forget. Do you think there comes a point when you know to call it a day? Cause I don't for a second feel ready to let him go as we have had too much to give up on and of course there is nothing more rewarding than raising two little munchkins. Or am I glutton for being kicked? Hard to get the full picture across in a posting, especially as I'm supposed to be working.

And is it all doom and gloom as a single parent? I read so many sad stories here - how do you go about getting the life you want in tough circumstances? (Big Question...)

I had a point where I just knew that I had done enough fighting and it couldnt go on anymore. I really did hang on in there until I could take no more. You have to be ready.

As for being a single parent, it can be tough at times, it can occasionally be lonely but you cope, you get by to begin with and then things start to get a little easier. I really enjoy being single and I enjoy the fact that i have finaly all on my own managed to get my little boy to go to sleep on his own...Thats all down to me and him, he still wont go to sleep on his own when he stays at his Dads and its a massive achievement for me, its changed my life and made i much easier. I enjoy the fact that Ihave only myself and DS to answer to. That I support us with my wage and tax credits and that the maintenance I get is for us to do nice things with. I love spending time with my DS without having to share i and I am very lucky that his Daddy has him every other weekend so I get to be the old me once a fortnight.

I do however miss having someone to check in with sometimes as in "I think he has a temp, what do you think?" I miss not having someone to watch TV with and I miss having someone to do the washing up every now and again.

Do you have a good group of friends? How about family? are they near by?

I think relate is a great plan, I hope he comes to his senses, sometimes it takes a big shock.

I don't have family nearby, but lots of friends, most tied with kids though so do spend a lot of evenings and weekends alone. And here comes the big poor me bit - The question that is going through my mind all the time is how could God let this happen to me? I've been a good wife and a loyal friend to my husband since we were 18 and have given him those two beautiful children. We had a great life together, I've been a good person and now my biggest fear has come true - I've lost my lovely man and I'm going to be on my own and will have less time with my girls while he has them - seriously, what have I done to deserve this?

I'm carrying such a weight around, my back hurts, my chest aches and my jaw aches from clenching my teeth - I'm grinding them again at night. And I keep having the most vivid dreams where nobody wants me anymore, so I don't even get any peace at night.

People keep telling me it will get easier, but I don't see that it will, all I can see is empty weekends and lonely evenings. I know I am being dramatic, but seriously my life is a living nightmare - it's only the girls who keep me going.

I know this has to be the end, I can't keep letting him put me and the girls through this, but it feels so wrong when we're not together, I can't understand how he can't feel the same, especially as he is clearly so miserable when we're apart.

To add to the misery, a friend called me yesterday to say my 2-year-old had been really upset at playgroup when she was with her childminder yesterday, asking for her daddy - the lousycheatinglyingselfishcunt...

He must know what he is doing to the children - I can take it for myself, just, but not for them.

Is this all normal to feel this way, or do I need to get someone to give me a slap, Airplane stylee?

Unfortunately I think it is very normal to feel the way you do. Is it possible to get some more counselling for yourself, to talk things through.

I know what you mean about the physical things - I'm still grinding my teeth and have done since I split up with my 1st H eleven years ago.

My 4 yr old used to hang on to my DH's leg as he was leaving to go back to OW saying "Please stay forver daddy!" and OW told him this was perfectly ok and they would get use to it soon enough - bitch!

TBH if there is still an OW on the scene, he is going to get no clarity of thought at all and you and the DC don't stand much of a chance. My DH fortunately ceased all contact with OW immediately and got rid of all means of contact for her ie second mobile, email a/c, facebook a/c etc and committed to a lot of counselling together.

I know it is incredibly painful and I thought I was going to be left completely on the shelf at 42 with 4DC and tbh I really didn't think I would ever want to be with any man ever again as my DH had hurt me so much. I am struggling again now because all the 1st anniversaries are coming up and I still can't get my head around the fact that he did this to me and the DC. I still get chest pains when I think back to discovery day, when he abandoned me in the middle of the night to be with her (I actually rang the Samaritans as | was so distressed (1.00 am).

I still say to my DH that me and DC didn't stand a chance at that time and he admits this too. We couldn't compete on any level really as the first flush of lust, secret relationship etc is so intoxicating for them and all the while the OW is chirping in, giving them advice, they are getting no clarity of thought. I've started "Not Just Friends" which everyone recommends and am finding it very useful in helping me understand how the affair happened, that my feelings were normal and what was going through my H's head at the time. It's an incredibly painful journey either trying to repair the marriage or come to terms with the end of a marriage following an affair.

Are there any things you would like to do at the weekends, I know I started to go horseriding again as this was something I loved to do in my childhood and teens. Am considering getting a horse again, as like many women, my life was given over to the DC and H.

So he made you go without sex for ages then went and had sex with someone else... think on that - it will help you get angry and take back control. Seriously, at the moment he knows he can dither as you will always take him back and so, apparently, will she. Until you appear to be moving on and say 'no more of this' (even if that's not how you feel inside) he won't commit to anything.

Believe me, I had to do that to stop mine with his self pitying self analysis and moaning about 'I have to think about what I really want'. Once the choice disappears you'll be surprised how panicked they get, especially if he tries to come home again and this time you say 'no'. ow's are far less attractive once they become the only option...

what you are feeling is normal - and your h sounds like every cheating man i have ever know too.

My h couldnt make up his mind until i had had enough. And it seems to be a pattern.

Either he will see the error of his ways and do everthing he can to save your marriage - or ow will finally see what a weak man she has and that he is only with her because you wont have him.

You have to be strong and try and forge a life without him now - see a solicitor - it was the best thing i did.

I had even started proceedings - and then my h decided he actually wanted to make a go of it again.
He was at the point where he really did give me control - he cut all contact with ow (despite her attempts - which he told me about).

I think it worked because i was at the point of not taking anymore of his crap and it helped that i knew it wasnt because ow didnt want him anymore too.

Be strong - in time he will regret what he is doing.

Okay, just throwing this idea out there. As this has been goin on so long and it is clearly the family togetherness we all miss, what do you think of suggesting we live as friends, accept the relationship is over, but continue to do things together with the children? Have any of you managed to do this and does it work? Or Is this making the break-up to easy for him - ie, geting his cake and eating it. I am tempted as although I know I would find it painful to be with him, but find it more painful not to be. I'm weak, I know, but I just want a nice life and nice times with my kiddies. It's awul having to magic up things to do when he is around (2 nights a week and one day at weekends - he doesn't have a place of his own to take them to yet and I don't want them out in the cold).

Where is he at the moment then ?

I couldn't do what you are suggesting because it's not dealing with anything. TBH when I found out my DH with staying/living with OW, I made him pack his stuff (in bin bags), made an appointment with a solicitor and an appointment for myself at Relate. I would not let him treat like he was, he was coming around, seeing the kids, helping himself from the cupboards, making himself comfy on the sofa etc (told me he was staying with mates). I was so angry he was lucky I didn't do an "Elin Woods" on him.

But it was what he needed to make a decision and it wasn't to vascilate between the two of us as there was no way I would put up with that. In fact he didn't move back in with me straightaway, he moved back in with his parents.

I personally think you will feel much better if you make some firm decisions, like the others say, most of these men don't come around until they realise they are about to lose the option of going back to the marriage. You aren't taking that option away from him atm.

In his head, he;s turned you into a 'mum'. This constant coming and going is his attempt to get you to behave like one ie to cook and clean for him, look after the children, do his washing and cheerfully wave him off for an evening's shagging around. He's prepared to put up with you crying and complaining every now and again, he will tune that out and carry on doing what he wants as long as you let him.
However, if you feel you could be happy or at least content living in a co-parent (both free to see other people, no sexual relationship between the two of you) situation, what is very important is for YOU to lay down some rules. For instance, you might insist that he doesn't bring his other partners home and you must insist on at least one night a week where you get to go out with your friends and he does the childcare.The co-parent thing can work but only if you can trust him to respect you and treat you with consideration, otherwise it's just another way of him getting what he wants at your expense.

Cheryllou, so sorry this has happened again.

I honestly don't think a "co-parenting in the same house" option works when one of the parties loves as much as you do. I think this is just delaying the inevitable - and will hurt you more in the long run. I hope you'll find the strength this time to say "enough" and move on without this man. I don't think he'll ever be monogamous and you deserve to live without this constant threat hanging over your head.