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Original poster

Is it common to force stepkids to call SM "mum"?

28 replies

fixingyesterday · 27/01/2010 11:19

I don't really know anyone else in the same situation as we were in, but my parents seperated when I was about 3 and my brother was 1. We stayed with my mother until I was about 5 but she was ill and struggling to cope and left us with my father and new stepmother. We saw my mother a couple of times a year but things were really volatile between them all and we were put in the middle and used as ammunition a lot. When I was about 5 or 6 we were told that I had to call my SM "mum". I haven't thought too much about it but have been having some counselling recently which has got me reassessing some things.

For one thing, people have always found it very confusing knowing which person I was referring to when I said mum. But more recently it's struck me as almost Orwellian - I think my father and SM have literally tried to remove any trace of her from history. I got a serious earful recently (am in my early 30's it's ridiculous!) because someone had been persistently commenting on a fairly striking physical difference between me and my SM and I eventually said, well, it's not that weird as she's my SM, not my biological mother. I was accused of denouncing my family and rejecting them, which I thought was a bit much, it's a biological fact that half my DNA is from my mother!

It's not as if I can really revert to calling my SM by her name, (even though they have totally ostracised me recently for having contact with my biological mother)but I guess I'm just looking to see if it's fairly normal for step families to work in this way, or if it's another example of mine being controlling?

OP posts:

Ladyscratt · 27/01/2010 11:24

No this is controlling, you shouldn't have to call your SM mum! I call mine by her name and we have always got on brilliantly I love her.

No,one should force you to alienate your own mum FGD,sake. Don't let them bully you!

LouIsOnAHighwayToHell · 27/01/2010 11:25

Of course not. It as Ladyscratt said. I call my SD by his name and have done so my whole life.

coldtits · 27/01/2010 11:27

No it is not normal, at all, it's controlling to the extreme.

weegiemum · 27/01/2010 11:28

Totally not normal.

I call my stepmum 'E' - her name. We lived with Dad before they got married and continued to do so afterwards.

My stepbrothers ('E's children) call my Dad 'Dad' - but that is because they have no contact with their bio Dad and chose to do so (at age 4, 6, 8 - and in fact they do sometimes call him by his name but that never bothers Dad).

Is controlling behaviour, trying to create a myth of normality.

wilkos · 27/01/2010 11:28

No, I would say its not common at all and very controlling...but then its not common for children to end up living with their dad either. Maybe your dad was trying in a rather heavy handed way to make your set up more normal? not that I am saying this behaviour is ok by the way, and as for arguing the toss with you about it now, well...

My DSS doesnt live with us and calls me by my first name, he has occasionally called me "mum" but corrected himself, but then he also sometimes calls his dad "mum" too! In our family that is the norm.

cakeywakey · 27/01/2010 11:30

No, my sister has a special nickname that her SC use. They already have a Mum. It's very unfair when parents do this to children, as it makes things very difficult and confusing for them.

Sorry to hear you've had/are having a hard time fixingyesterday.

Ladyscratt · 27/01/2010 11:30

Quite a huge majority of people call their stepparents by name because they are not mum or dad, this does fluctuate depending on circumstances etc..parent died or just was never thier from birth IFYSWIM.

However if both parents are still part of persons life then usually S/M or D has to respect that, most usually do.

They are actually being bloody unreasonable and unfair to you, do you have a good relationship with your mother?

Original poster

fixingyesterday · 27/01/2010 11:32

They've always said that as my mother fucked off and my SM brought us up my mother effectively abdicated all duties and I guses they think she doesn't deserve to be called that. It woudl also cause sooooo much trouble if I reverted back after nearly 30 years, but I've recently started seeing a lot of their behaviour in a new light and it's not good. Granted, my mother isn't perfect, far from, but the way they treated her, and us, is shocking. The fact that they've backed off from me and my family because I have a relationship with my mother is beyond crap, and I think they've always punished me for my resemblance/similarities to her.

OP posts:

Original poster

fixingyesterday · 27/01/2010 11:37

Thank you for all the feedback! I do have a very good relationship with my mother now ,and she loves our kids, and my DH, but we've had our ups and downs. We actually didn't see each other for most of my twenties as she let me down a lot (always has) but when we reconciled the shit hit the fan with my father and SM. I invited all of them to our wedding and I don't think they will ever forgive me; my father made a mean little speech and then refused to talk to me for the rest of the day. Nice eh.

OP posts:

Ladyscratt · 27/01/2010 11:37

I think you have answered your own question then and you are a big enough girl to know your own mind now. Time to take the bull by the horns and let em have it, if they thought anything of you then they will accept your decisions.

I would sit them down and tell them that you are not going to alienate your mother and that if you wnat to see her you will. You appreciaet everything that SM did for you and thats fine but this is your decision and if they love you they will respect it.

Original poster

fixingyesterday · 27/01/2010 13:56

Thank you Ladyscratt, and everyone. It's been a bit of a hard wake up call lately, but thank god I have woken up and put an end to most of their control crap.

OP posts:

WhatNoLunchBreak · 27/01/2010 14:17

Not normal, no. I would never ask my own SS to call me "Mum". Otherwise boundaries get terribly muddied for everyone involved.

lindy100 · 27/01/2010 14:46

It's ridiculous and controlling - call her what you like.

My step gran was v upset that I once said to her 'I've just found out you're not my real gran'. I was only about 10 at the time (so didn't think about choosing my words carefully), but this woman is the least maternal woman I have ever met, used to bully me etc etc - she protested that she was 'real'. I haven't seen her for 14 years.

StrictlyKatty · 27/01/2010 15:03

I find it a bit creepy. You only ever have 2 parents are calling anyone else 'Mum' or 'Dad' is just wrong.

I start calling her by her name.

STIDW · 27/01/2010 15:33

Different families do different things and it doesn't really matter what label is used, children who have known a biological parent always understand who Mum and Dad really are.

I think in times of stress families tend to cling on to one another and when parents separate they can fear 'loosing' the children to the other parent. Very often there is a lot of parental distress, particularly for someone who has been left, and although it isn't deliberate they aren't always emotionally available to their children.

Ongoing criticism and blame cause resentment and are unproductive. I would take the tact that you are trying to be sensitive and perhaps Dad's and Step Mum's behaviour is understandable, however, if they are hostile to your relationship with your Mother they will need to deal with that on their own.

SolidGoldBrass · 27/01/2010 15:36

It varies. IN your case your stepmum and dad are being controlling and trying to erase your mum from your life which they have NO RIGHT to do. Tell them you will have what relationship with her you choose and if they can;t cope with it they can get stuffed.

BigBadMummy · 27/01/2010 15:37

you have the right to use whatever name you chose for your stepmum.

All families are different because situations surrounding the arrival and timing of a step parent are different.

My DCs have now lived with my DH for longer than they lived with their biological dad but he is and always will be referred to by his first name.

Their dad is their dad, if they decide to change their minds, that is up to them.

I do know that when my ex-H got to get together with the OW her sons started calling him dad because they never saw theirs.

It is entirely up to the child (even if they are 30!) to decide.

Original poster

fixingyesterday · 27/01/2010 16:20

Thank you.

They have been terrible to me over the years and I can't believe the brainwashing has only recently started to wear off.

OP posts:

mathanxiety · 27/01/2010 16:30

You'll never regret being true to yourself and telling the rest of them where to get off. It has short term drawbacks and unpleasantness, but in the long run you and your heart are what matters.

littlemoominmamma · 27/01/2010 18:55

When my grandmother died and left 5 children the new stepmum changed the name of one of the girls "c" who had been named after her mum. She also removed all photos and belongings. She would not have her name said or have her discussed at all.

This was her way of making a fresh start maybe? She was not a horrid person, but it had a terrible effect on the children. They had already accidentally saw their mothers funeral go past when they were playing outside and they felt she was being taken away without involving or telling them.

My mum was the eldest girl and ended up bringing up 5 siblings and 4 half siblings before she got away by going to nursing college. She never really got over what happened, I wish she had had some counselling. Don't let this affect the rest of your life - x

Fruitysunshine · 27/01/2010 19:03

I have 2 Stepsons. They call me by my name. Occasionally they call me mummy by mistake. My eldest son calls my husband by his first name.

I think it is wholly unreasonable for a child to be forced/coerced into calling one parent or the other "mummy" or "daddy". It is quite sinister.

I always feel a bit wierd when I refer to myself as mummy to my own children and my stepsons happen to be there. I don't want them thinking I am calling myself mummy to them also but I am not going to refer to myself by my first name in front of my own children. It is a funny old world.

snowpoint · 27/01/2010 19:40

Other than a few minor details, you could be my SIL..! Exactly the same circumstances there, she called her SM mum and her real mum was ostracised. The entire circumstances were very cruel towards her birth mother, and at 40 she still struggles to reconcile it all today.

I'm really glad you're having counselling. I want to suggest the same to SIL as I know she's having a hard time at the moment. She told me recently that she's always felt she falls between two families and doesn't quite fit in anywhere. It's had a real effect on how she's lived her life, and she's found it very hard to settle at anything.

Original poster

fixingyesterday · 28/01/2010 17:14

littlemoomin that's so sad. My parents (father and SM) also removed any photos, and when we came back from seeing my mother with presents or clothes they were forcibly removed from us and given away. I vividly remember my first watch and a ring being taken from me when I was 5 or 6, I'm still that they treated us like that. I remember my brother being battered when he was about 5 when we got back from my mother's because he cried for her in the night. We learnt not to talk about her because it always ended up in them going ape at us.

Snow - perhaps you should suggest it to your SIL? I was convinced I'd turned out alright until recently, turns out I'd just been sleepwalking. Have had counselling, ADs and CBT in the last year to try to get myself sorted out properly. I've also found it hard to settle - it really does affect you. I hope she can get some help with it.

OP posts:

2rebecca · 28/01/2010 17:57

My stepkids call me by my name and my kids call my second husband by his.
I think if stepkids do call a stepparent mum or dad it should be done at the child's request and only then if all the adults (including both biological parents if both are still in contact even infrequent contact)are in agreement.
In general it only happens if the nonres parent no longer sees the child for some reason.
I think your dad and stepmum have been cruel and controlling with regard to your relationship with your mum.
It shouldn't be a competition, they should have acknowledged the love and bond between you and your mum and encouraged it not obstructed it.
Sadly lots of parents when they separate put their own feelings and hatred for the other parent ahead of their love for the child and consideration for their well being.
I would definitely call your mum mum. What you call your stepmum is up to you. You shouldn't call her mum out of a fear of angering her and your father though.
The bond should be more important than the name, and after all she isn't your mum.
I would hate to have been forced to call any other woman than my mum mum.

EcoMouse · 28/01/2010 18:15

My mum and step-dad forced us to call him 'dad' as soon as they married.
Once I left home I called him by his first name and have done ever since (alhough I no longer have contact with them).
It's very controlling behaviour, very wrong and very false.

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