feeling threatened - what to do?

[eohippus]

My DP had a breakdown this year. He only took his prescribed medication for a few weeks and did not attend the urgent referal to psychiatry that the doctor gave him. His behaviour beforehand and after has made me frightened of living with him as he is very emotional, negative and unpredictable. Therefore i very recently got him to leave. I've made it clear i can not cope with him anymore as the stress is having a really bad effect on me and the girls. He came around today to see the girls (both very young - 4 & 5) and was acting irrationaly and then got very angry that i would not allow him to stay overnight. He has said he is coming for the girls at the weekend to take them to his friends for a couple of days but i dont want him to, I tried to put it off until the following weekend but he wont accept that. I dont trust him, i'm very wary, as i think he is about to have another big meltdown. I dont want him not to see the girls, i'm not trying to take his children away from him (he believes i am) but he has threatened me that he WILL take them whenever he chooses. I'm very anxious and scared as to what is going to happen and how i should handle it without tipping him over the edge and without upsetting the girls.
What can i do????

You need a solicitor as soon as possible. I hope someone can give you some more advice soon. I'm sorry I can't help any more.

agree with belle. he cannot take your dc while he is so unstable and irrational. please get legal advice asap, if you don't get anything put in place before the weekend, get yourself and your dc's out of the house and away for the weekend

I wouldn't trust this man to have my children without supervision to be honest. I wouldn't leave them with him at all. Please seek legal advice, he sounds incredibly unstable. If you wish to maintain contact then use a contact centre, he will be supervised and any problems will be documented.

oh dear. all too familiar... please dont let him take the girls.

remember - you are not repsonsible for "sending him over the edge" - that is his problem. (if he does at least it will prove a point - that he needs continued psychiatric help...)

i moved out from joint home with dcs - let my ex come to see dcs there as could supervise but he would refuse to leave, break things, throw things etc. he got worse and worse....now some time later he has supervised access, it may progress depends on him.

do you trust the friend at all?

even if you do, you need to tell your P that he cannot visit while he is unstable - but - you cannot tell him this while he is visiting as he will likely get angry. that is his problem - but you need to make sure you are safe. eg have a third party present, meet him in a public place without the kids etc.

you need to see a solicitor about drawing up a schedule of contact, preferably supervised .... eg contact centre.

can you speak to his GP about your concerns? if not at least speak to your own GP about what is going on.

in meantime - i would say -

dont have him visit at your place unless you have a third party there who will escort him out if needs be.

dont be alone with him and girls anywhere

dont let him take girls off in car etc.

speak to your GP about this. if is same GP or same practie they might be able to share what you are saying with each other....but they cannot do anything til he does flip...

in a way you might be better off saying "you cant see the girls til you have seen your psychiatrist" and stick to that.

you can tell the girls he is ill (true)

speak to a solicitor about getting supervised access -this takes time tho.

ultimately, you almost have to wait for him to flip - just make sure you and dds are safe. you have to be prepared to close the door and lock it - then call the police on him if he starts banging and shouting. then it starts off a process.... (my ex flipped - smashed door, grabbed phone off me refused to leave, held us hostage for two hours...then i was able to call polie and they arrested him..then it paved the way for court ordering supervised access given all the other abckground.

in meantime make sure someone else always around.

you could try saying "we are scared of your behaviour. so for the time being you can only visit in a public place with someone esle around. you need to go back to the doctor/psychiatrist. "

if no one around, he doesnt visit girls.

you could ring your local CAFCASS too and explain what is happening and your fears.

alos, record what happens each time in a notebook or diary eg "came round and paced up and down threttenign to take away the children..." "children were scared because..."

and you need to be calling 999 when he acts up. there must be records of his previous breakdown...

Very familiar to me too. My ex is under a psychiatrist and we've been going through court for his access. He's allowed none.

Keep him away. Keep a diary. Don't let him near you. And see a solicitor. Good luck.

Thanks for the advice. C'estla vie: the scenario you had with your ex is exactly what i'm afraid of and what i see coming.
Is it worth seeing the GP? I have a doctor who i spoke to about dp & who i managed to get dp to see himself when he had his breakdown - therefore she knows him & she has his records.
Should i go to the police to make a record of my concerns?
I'm going to start the diary now. I've saved his last few emails.
My sister is coming to stay this weekend to support me thankgod. I never thought i'd be in this position

yes yes and yes. tell gp, tell police - they can put a marker on your landline so if you call they will come even if you cannot speak...

if he insists on seeing girls at weekend and you think is necessary then met in public place eg park with your sister.

you could have written down what you asking him to do ie see GP for help. but if he wont recognize he has any issues then all you can do is be very clear what contact he can have (ie supervised by someone you chose) , and advise him to see a solicitor because you will have to stop contact.

ultimately - you are doing something which might help him get the help he needs which is long term benefit for your children...but it will be long process. stay strong adn firm.

it isnt helpful for kids to see him like this. i think that is where i went wrong...allowing contact, thinking i could supervise it etc.

i went wrong allowing some contact too. really shouldnt have,he saw drop off and pick up as times to try and get in the house,which he then wouldnt leave.

op....call the police if he turns nasty/aggressive. dont hesitate. it needs nipping in the bud at his first mistake. and also you then,depending on incident,have grounds for an injunction....and its on record should things escalate.

he doesnt have a key does he?

If he's missed an urgent referral to his psychiatrist and you're really that worried, it may be worth a call to your local mental health crisis team (NHS Direct would probably be able to give you the number). It's actually quite hard to section people, but if he's a genuine danger to others or to himself by his refusal to follow up treatment and take medication, it might be appropriate for him, at least for the 72-hour period. Even if it's not, the team may be able to give you good advice about how to talk to him to defuse the situation as much as possible. Good luck.

In the meantime, think of some practical things in case things do get bad. Can you change the locks and bump up security eg put a bolt on the door so you can secure it quickly? Make sure the phone is immediately to hand if he turns up. Even consider telling neighbours if they hear anything untoward to please ring the police.

Thanks for all the replies.
I rang Woman's Aid last night for advice, very helpful.
I have the only key to the house (that's if he hasn't got another 1 cut) and i'm making sure the door is locked at all times.
He spoke to the girls on the phone tonight and told them he'd see them next week - which means he has changed his mind about the weekend so that's a relief. Not sure about next week though. I'll make sure i meet him in a public place. He'll want to pick the girls up from school...i'll have to judge his mood. My sister is coming up tomorrow so we can discuss what to do.
My head feels addled with all this. Half of me can't quite believe it and thinks it will all settle down and everything will sort itself out, and the other half is saying be afraid and take action. I can not predict what he'll do or how far he'll go. If he comes into the house i'll make sure i've a phone in my pocket just in case. Oh god, i can't believe this. Writing about it makes it more real. I didn't go to the police or see his GP today like womans aid suggested because it seems such enormous steps to take. I'm afraid that i'm not thinking clearly or that he'll find out and really blow. I really need to talk to my sis because i can't do this on my own.

i think you are setting everything in place to deal with this - and have a week's "respite".

the judging his mood thing - i had to do that for a long time. eg he was coming to see kids and i thought "oh while he is here i will pop up to shops to buy fruit" -and it would be evident that i could not leave them in his care even for 20 minutes...as he was anxious etc.

we saw family therapists - they tried to get him to "own" his "depression" and to give clear signals when he wasnt wel...but ultimately he didnt want to.

now he uses the "depression" as excuse when it suits him....

for you - it hink is approrpiate to be very firm - given he ahs not gone to psych. make that a condition of any mvoe forward regarding his contact. ie he has a referral - he needs to go and if psych can then call you and reassure you he is fine then so be it you will take it from there.

but given he was given a referral and has refused to go - you cannot trust him with the children. given his behaviours (here the log/diary might be useful) .

you may also be able to g et your views to the psych via your gp. (mine got lost inititally - then ultimately she said it was "personality" issues and domestic abuse/relationship issues - not mental health!!